The Goat, The Van, The Pornstar & His Buddy

Ramon at Bang Bros

It is a generally accepted rule that, at some point in their career, every pornstar will have a run in with Johnny Law. Whether something slight (Mary Carey touching herself while stripping in Washington state) or truly horrifying (Brian Surewood being sentenced to 11 years for vehicular manslaughter), each and every pro fucker seems to tangle with NY, SF, or LAPD. The arrest on Monday of Bang Bros’ resident donkey-dick, however, has porn professionals a little lost for words. Ramon (real name Raul Armenteros) and a pal confessed to being the owners of eight roosters, four guinea hens, four pigeons, four goats, and a duck, all of which were left sweltering without water or ventilation inside a van on a steamy Miami Monday morning. The animals were discovered by Miami Police after passers-by alerted the authorities to what they thought were the sounds of a trapped, crying baby. All four of the goats were “tied up in plastic bags” and one had sadly shuffled off this mortal coil to that great grass patch in the sky.

Personally, I have a soft spot in my heart for animals and although we don’t know the entire story behind this atrocity, this deplorable act once again paints the adult industry in a negative light. I can only assume (and hope) that the crew behind Bang Bros had no part in this as I do worry this might hurt their business, which I really hope it does not. It’s not their fault and the Bros shouldn’t be responsible for what this jackass does on his own free will. What do you think should happen to Raul aka “Ramon”? Should he be fired from Bang Bros? Should they remove the scenes featuring Ramon and his monster cock? Let your voice be heard.

Pounding the Fleshlight

Fleshlight

What started out as a “device for discreet semen collection” patented by designer Steve Shubin in 1998 just keeps growing in popularity and influence. The Fleshlight, the revolutionary male sex toy treasured by horny guys the world over, recently announced that it intended to move beyond simple novelty manufacturing and into live content production by partnering with acclaimed streaming website Live Gonzo. This partnership, along with a few new high-profile Fleshlight Girls and the launch of a Pirates line of pocket pussies developed with Digital Playground, proves that Fleshlight is not a company willing to sit idly by and watch its customers become bored with the same old product. With limited edition plastic cases “forged in honey and gold” available for the Stoya, Riley Steele, and Jesse Jane models (all are stars of DP’s Pirates feature) and the possibility of adding your own two cents to an interactive Live Gonzo hardcore video broadcast tailored for Fleshlight-augmented viewing, these two innovations would be enough for most sex toy manufacturers; but not for Fleshlight, no sir!

Unveiling a Tori Black model at the tail end of 2010, the Fleshlight folks knew they’d have a tough year ahead. So, like any sensible adult entertainment professionals would, they called on two of porn’s most dazzling performers, each one a multiple AVN Award-winner: the Japanese-American reigning queen of hardcore, Asa Akira, and everyone’s favorite MILF (and clearly the most fuckable of all Sarah Palin impersonators) Lisa Ann. That’s right, folks, for just $79.95 you now have the option of inserting your erection into an elastomeric gel mold that, at least on the outside, looks and feels (almost) exactly like the mouths, pussies, and tight, tight assholes of the incomparable Lisa Ann and Asa Akira. Me, I still beat off the old fashioned way, but with Fleshlight continuing to smash sales records and wow customers, that might change soon enough.

A Candidate to Get Behind

Sammie SpadesWhen Washington gets too tough for a pretty blonde who most recently spent time working as an intern for a major political figure, where does she turn? For Sammie Spades, porn was a-callin’. Leaving her post as an intern, Sammie headed to Porn Valley, USA to become a star of the scantily-clad screen. The story of an aide to one of the nation’s highest-ranking public officials leaving politics to suck dick on camera hit TMZ and the world paid attention, for all of fifteen minutes anyway. While Sammie Spades sucks and fucks her way to what I’m sure she hopes is a long and lucrative career in porn, a huge change from a career in Washington, porn already has its resident politically-aspiring cocksucker in Mary Carey.

 
Marey CareyAfter campaigning for the seat of Governor of California in 2003’s recall election, and then again in 2005 for Lieutenant Governor, the buxom blonde known professionally as Mary Carey made it clear that her aspirations went far beyond finally working some double-penetration into her performances. Sadly pulling out of the 2005 race to care for her injured mother, Carey has been quiet on the political front ever since. With another presidential election just around the corner, though, perhaps it’s time we were given a candidate we’d all want to get behind.

 

 

Bush is Back!

Hot Bush

Ever since the shaved, waxed, or otherwise completely hairless vulva became a pornographic staple, plenty of viewers have longed for the return of that thick tuft of short, curly hair to regain its rightful place at the entry point to a world of physical sensations we can only dream about. The shaved pussy might allow the home viewer more visual access to the inner and outer workings of the female genitalia, but its breakout popularity turned the natural pubic growth into something dirty, unhygienic, undesirable; something, in short, to be overcome. But why? Pubic hair is as natural as can be and can add quite a lot to a sexual encounter.

Take a look at pornstars like Bobbi Starr, Kimberly Kane, Katie St. Ives, and Kristina Rose; all women who have, at one point or another, decided to let their furry flags fly high and proudly sport bushes that look natural, but not unkempt, adding an earth eroticism to their work. Sure, Charley Chase might use her muff to cover up a pelvis tattoo, but she too rocks her pubes in a way that should make shaved girls incredibly jealous.

Even women who’ve moved from blowbangs and anal creampies to the world of “legitimate” entertainment media proudly proclaim their vaginal hirsuteness; Sasha Grey’s unveiling of her pubes on HBO’s Entourage being the perfect example and another sign that, like it or not, the bush is back.

The Dash for Celebrity Skin

Dash Direct screenshot

Dash Direct, a prominent UK-based designer and manufacturer of women’s lingerie has unveiled the results of extensive research conducted in an effort to figure out, once and for all, exactly what the perfect British celebrity babe looks like. Not content with merely listing the leading contenders, Dash Direct decided to mimic the efforts of Shelley’s Dr. Frankenstein and combine the most attractive parts of some of the UK’s top female celebs into three absolutely “perfect” women they dubbed Chelily Brooxon, Lorrea Gallian, and Kathlette Zeta Bux. “What the hell kinds of names are they?” you ask. Well, Chelily is a combination of Kelly Brook’s breasts, Alesha Dixon’s legs, and the derrierre of Rachel Stevens, while the other two fictional beauties are further amalgamations of women only our UK readers might have heard of.

But what, dear readers, of the American equivalent? What if Hollywood decided, kinda like in that 2002 movie S1m0ne, to create a celebrity out of the most attractive body parts of our favorite stars? While your results and mine might differ – is there anyway we can work Fran Lebowitz’s wit and Jenny McCarthy’s dedication to stamping out autism in there? – it’d be great to have an All-American equivalent to these largely British creations.

Whose ass, legs, breasts, torso, face, features, and hair would you combine to create the ultimate celebrity babe?