Canada to Joanna Angel: “Nay, Nay!”

Anyone in London, Ontario who decided to follow Mr. Pink’s advice and head to the second annual Shock Stock to meet, greet, and nervously trade banter with Burning Angel’s founder and creative genius, Joanna Angel, might just a bit pissed off. See, Joanna was all set to not only meet fans, sign autographs, and sell her excellent Fuckenstein DVD; she had also been invited to perform a “dance performance” of an unknown nature. Turns out someone, somewhere, for some reason, objected to the proposed performance, made a complaint to London PD, and succeeded in keeping Joanna from shaking what Mama Angel gave her. Shock Stock’s organizers had supposedly, according to Angel, told the tattooed punk pornstar to tone down her dance at the convention after party this Saturday past because they were “getting heat.” Telling AVN News, Angel stated “The whole point was that my dance was meant to be arousing, so if I couldn’t take anything off or even move suggestively, it probably was best for me not to do it at all.” In the end, Joanna explained, she hosted the party without performing and there was no further complication with law enforcement.

I only hope those fans of Joanna’s who had intended to see more of her during Shock Stock bothered to snag a copy of Fuckenstein. Taking on James Deen and Ramon Nomar with what can only be called a lascivious frenzy, Angel is about as explicitly exposed as possible here, and that should soothe the wounded dreams of horny Londoners cursing the fuzz, the man, the po-po for once again ruining some good, clean, harmless sexual degeneracy!

Asa Akira’s Still At It (Again)

Asa Akira at Bang BusYou’d think after taking on two not-quite-but-almost-randomly selected dudes she found in South Beach, Asa Akira would be tiring of spreading her legs for inexperienced cocksmen, no matter how well they hold up under pressure. Sure, it makes for great adult entertainment, but what about her own sense of sexual satisfaction? Neither of the first two guys focused all his attention on getting her off, instead trying their hardest to keep hard and pop without much delay. They both did a pretty good job, sure, but Asa’s first ride on the Bang Bus hasn’t ended yet and there’s some guy in board shorts walking up to the bus right now… and he recognizes the graffiti-ridden interior and Ms. Akira both! Hopefully this dude will manage to polish off what could easily be the greatest pornstar-headed Bang Bus adventure of all time and ensure Asa returns for another jaunt sometime soon.

As soon as the latest of Asa’s pseudo-suitors ambles aboard the Bang Bus, he makes it abundantly clear that he’s willing to at least try to fuck the irresistible Japanese-American AVN winner, and, since he seems like a pretty “chill” dude, he’s given his shot at porno glory. Starting again with some tender making out, things soon move from the back seat to the floor where the guy quickly moves in what most women would call the only correct direction: down.

Using every trick, technique, and tool at his disposal, our latest wannabe-pornstar not only elicits a smile and a moan from an experienced pornstar and self-avowed wanton slut, but a legitimate orgasm, too! When asked if he has managed to arouse an erection, the board-shorted beach-goer replies in the negative. That’s ok, though; Asa’s already gotten off and now gets to snuggle with her new pal, who really just seems thrilled to be on the bus at all.

Lamenting the apparent finality of her first Bang Bus appearance – during which she came twice, just not with the Angry Birds player she fucked in the middle – Asa insists she’ll be returning for another go-around and tells the Bang Bus director that this isn’t “The End,” it’s just “To be continued…”

Possible Porno Auteurs

For all Hollywood’s financial, technological, and artistic success, no mainstream (or even indie) filmmaker has used any part of the Hollywood system to produce and distribute an explicit pornographic movie. Sure, a few directors have included unsimulated sex in their films specifically to arouse their audiences sexually, as opposed to intellectually or emotionally (see Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny or Larry Clark’s Ken Park), but where is that genre-breaking, convention-destroying hardcore sex movie Hollywood radicals have been promising for decades?

In order to encourage the more adventurous auteurs out there, I decided to come up with a short list of filmmakers I’d love to see tackle a narrative movie with explicit sex aimed at fairly mainstream audiences. Some choices might seem a little out there, but so are some of the directors’ oeuvres.

Steven Soderbergh:

While the Traffic and Oceans 11 director has announced he’ll be retiring after his current projects are finished, it’d be great if he could squeeze a hardcore porn flick out, too. Why? His upcoming Magic Mike stars Channing Tatum as a male stripper

Lars Von Trier:

Ok, so he refuses to visit America and hates the Hollywood system, but since he’s cast some of our greatest contemporary actors, let’s give the Danish enfant terrible a pass. He did, after all, includ a few brief glimpses of actual penetration in 2009’s Antichrist, but the bodies didn’t belong to actors Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe. Next time, Lars, why not go all out and have, say, Alexander Skarsgård present Christina Hendricks with a pearl necklace, porno style?

Steven Spielberg:

Everyone loves Spielberg, right? The guy made E.T. and Schindler’s List, for chrissakes! Doesn’t that prove he’s an unquestionable genius of the cinematic arts? Given his cache and cred, instead of wading in tear-jerking territory with his most recent efforts, why doesn’t Hollywood’s most powerful auteur put his weight behind something truly revolutionary? What’s that? He already has?

Hung like a War Horse

Well, color me impressed.