Possible Porno Auteurs

For all Hollywood’s financial, technological, and artistic success, no mainstream (or even indie) filmmaker has used any part of the Hollywood system to produce and distribute an explicit pornographic movie. Sure, a few directors have included unsimulated sex in their films specifically to arouse their audiences sexually, as opposed to intellectually or emotionally (see Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny or Larry Clark’s Ken Park), but where is that genre-breaking, convention-destroying hardcore sex movie Hollywood radicals have been promising for decades?

In order to encourage the more adventurous auteurs out there, I decided to come up with a short list of filmmakers I’d love to see tackle a narrative movie with explicit sex aimed at fairly mainstream audiences. Some choices might seem a little out there, but so are some of the directors’ oeuvres.

Steven Soderbergh:

While the Traffic and Oceans 11 director has announced he’ll be retiring after his current projects are finished, it’d be great if he could squeeze a hardcore porn flick out, too. Why? His upcoming Magic Mike stars Channing Tatum as a male stripper

Lars Von Trier:

Ok, so he refuses to visit America and hates the Hollywood system, but since he’s cast some of our greatest contemporary actors, let’s give the Danish enfant terrible a pass. He did, after all, includ a few brief glimpses of actual penetration in 2009’s Antichrist, but the bodies didn’t belong to actors Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe. Next time, Lars, why not go all out and have, say, Alexander Skarsgård present Christina Hendricks with a pearl necklace, porno style?

Steven Spielberg:

Everyone loves Spielberg, right? The guy made E.T. and Schindler’s List, for chrissakes! Doesn’t that prove he’s an unquestionable genius of the cinematic arts? Given his cache and cred, instead of wading in tear-jerking territory with his most recent efforts, why doesn’t Hollywood’s most powerful auteur put his weight behind something truly revolutionary? What’s that? He already has?

Hung like a War Horse

Well, color me impressed.

Blazing with Pornstars

Madison IvyToday, dear friends, is the day when stoners around the world wake up, bake up, and just keep on bakin’ all through the day. Today, good buddies, is 420, April 20th, the big FOUR-TWO-OH; the only day of the calendar year when you can find people blazing up across campuses, nature reserves, public parks, by the beach, and pretty much anywhere else they please. While anyone looking to have a lil’ toke this weekend should definitely keep in mind all applicable laws, whether in a Medical Marijuana State or not. If it’s not, like, totally illegal and shit wherever you are, spark one up and let your freak flag fly – ’cause your favorite pornstar is probably doing the very same thing. Need proof?

Bustacious cock-and-smoke-blower Madison Ivy – seen above with the result of a good day’s work on set – is clearly gearing up for a big day and is putting her engineering skills to work on a monster doobie. Careful not to put someone’s eye out with that, Ms. Ivy!

Self-styled alt.porn stoner chick Kayden Faye (a.k.a.: Kayden 420) is already kicking off celebrations in suitable style, putting on a smoke-filled cam show for her fans.

Marie Luv has already had a few #stonermoments, as you can see from this tweet: a poorly doctored image of Kermit the Frog and… Dude! Fuck! Oscar looks like a giant nug of weed, man! He totally does!

And my favorite stoner pornstar, Charley Chase, who has been exceedingly forthcoming about her 420 celebrations in the past, seems strangely quiet so far. From the looks of things, though, that could be because she’s been squeegeeing her third-eye open for a week in the lead up to 420. Take a look at this pic and tell me she’s not on cloud nine!

Charley Chase

For those who don’t smoke pot and wouldn’t know Jack Herer if he rose from the dead and passed you the dutchie, the weed aspect of 420 Girls might bore you, but the sites has hand picked the hottest stoner girls in adult entertainment and now features them talking about, imbibing, and showing off their stashes of nature’s little miracle weed in true pothead style. Dude, just check out this music video starring one of porn’s most outspoken stoners, Charlie Laine.

So, wherever your 420 takes you, whether you’re a dedicated OG Kush guy, a disciple of Indian Bhang, or someone with a hard-on for the White Widow, stay safe, have fun, and if you see a cool-looking chick with reddened eyes and a sly grin, for chrissakes talk to her! Who knows, you two could end up taking your pot party somewhere a little more private.

Asa’s Second South Beach Pickup

Asa Akira Bang BusAfter regaling you, dear reader, with the details of Asa Akira’s first Bang Bus conquest, all me another brief moment to tell you all about her second. No, she’s not back for another visit to Miami; she fucked three dudes in one trip! The first, as I’m sure you’ll recall, not only managed to get hard and stay hard for the duration of his time with the multiple AVN-winning Japanese-American hottie, but managed to make a very strong impression on both Asa, who clearly wanted to snuggle after the sex, and on whoever the new guy taking over from former Bang Bus helmer Preston Parker is; such a great impression the guy was even offered a job! How could Asa follow up such a stellar selection and would this next guy manage to make her cum, too?

After a few more minutes of cruising the South Beach area, Asa and the Bang Bus crew sidled up to a beachside reserve and Asa jumped out, ran up to, and promptly enticed to the graffiti-laden inside of the Bus a guy so nerdy even the usually very polite Ms. Akira made a joke or two at the expense of his apparent addiction to Angry Birds. Once aboard the bus, this new dude – let’s call him Shades; watch the scene and you’ll see why – seemed pleased as punch to be sitting next to a pornstar whose work he knew and enjoyed, but he seemed reluctant to make the first move. Leave that to Asa!

After some rather romantic making out – aww, ain’t lil’ Asa just an ol’ softie? – they get down to business and, while this newest cock wrangler might not be as impressively skilled as his predecessor, he nevertheless manages to pound that pus’ quite well from behind before unloading on Asa’s finely-formed ass. Sure, this guy didn’t manage to make her cum, but he still put in a more capable performance than Herr Director predicted; as he remarked to Asa after the pop, “I think it’s you.” No shit, dude. No shit.

Can you imagine being the third guy pulled into a dirty white van and given a chance to fuck one of the two or three greatest adult performers currently working? What if you couldn’t get it up? What if you could, you know, feel that you’re not the first or even the second guy to be inside this insanely hot and insatiably horny women? Would you give up you spot in line or stick around and make the most of the situation just for the chance to hang out on the fucking BANG BUS with fucking ASA AKIRA?

The last guy, well, let’s see what he goes through in the last of this three-part wrap-up of the only Bang Bus scene this reviewer has ever, ever watched from boring-ass beginning to messy, messy end. Next time, fellas. Next time.

Asa Akira Fucks South Beach (Part One)

When a site has been in operation as long as the infamous Bang Bus, flagship site of the Bang Bros network, it must be hard to keep things exciting. Sure, you grab your driver and cruise around Miami’s South Beach looking for girls who’ll fuck before they’ll shake hands, but even fucking an endless stream of allegedly randomly selected young hotties gets tired after a while. Hell, even the Bang Bus episodes that switch things up and put a genuine pornstar babe in the proverbial navigators seat can get a little samey after a while. So what do you do when you’re a Bang Bro on the Bang Bus who’s finding that things just aren’t as thrilling as they once were? Why, bring in Asa Akira, of course!

 

One of the porn industry’s most adventurous performers, notable names, and bankable hardcore stars, Japanese-American fuck-bunny Asa Akira took a seat in the back of that legendary white van a while back and this week saw the induction of her inaugural jaunt ’round South Beach in search of everyday guys who can get it up and fulfill her rampant sexual desire on camera. The scene in question, simply titled “Asa Akira Rides the Bang Bus!“, hit the network homepage on Wednesday and has already been viewed some 48,000 times. A staggering feat, to be sure, but not quite as impressive as Asa’s activities in the scene itself. Speaking of…

From the moment she is picked up by whoever has replaced ex-gay-for-pay performer, Facial Fest head honcho, and former Bang Bus boss, Preston Parker, Asa shows how deep her sluttiness runs by whipping out her tits and flashing her ass, even before she has managed to amble aboard. Taking to the streets and fending off advances from her camera-wielding host, this multiple AVN Award winner soon finds her first conquest.

The lucky guy Asa picks up quickly agrees to be the first to pound her pussy behind the tinted windows of the Bang Bus and, boy, he does a damn good job, too! After a little prompting from their host, Asa and her new found friend start passionately, slowly making out and keep at it for quite a while. As soon as she pulls his cock out, though, things get much more explicit. As any fan of Ms. Akira knows, she can suck and fuck like nobody else on Earth and she proves that here by giving this lucky bastard the ride of his life. Sweating it out together behind the fogged windows of the overheating van, Asa even comes as her partner pushes his cock deeper and deeper inside her cleanly shaven cunt. After spending a few minutes snuggling, and after she compliments this able bodied young chap on his fantastic sexual technique, and after Mr. Bang Bus makes sure to get the guys number for a future casting opportunity, the team unloads their cargo and goes in search of another guy who’ll try to get Asa and himself off.

Yeah, that’s right, folks, this is only the first encounter Asa enjoyed during her first Bang Bus ride. The others? Well they’re a tale for another blog. Until next time, check out this tantalizing image torn from Ms. Akira’s virgin Bang Bus venture and tell me you’re not booking a flight to Miami right fucking now!

Asa Akira Bang Bus

Joanna Angel Spooks Canada, Eh?

Joanna Angel FuckensteinJoanna Angel, queen bee of alt.porn renegades Burning Angel, has ditched her Brooklyn buddies, turned her nose up at Hollywood, and has fled to the Great White North. That’s right, canucks, the pink-haired, heavily-tattooed assfucking fanatic herself is heading your way and not for the reasons you might suspect. (No, she’s not an obsessed Tim Horton’s fan or emigrating to our northern neighbor.) Appearing live all this weekend at Shock Stock, Canada’s newest horror convention, Joanna will be signing copies of her black-and-white pornographic throwback to classic horror movies, Fuckenstein, and yakkin’ it up with fans from her very own booth on the convention floor, and doing what she does best, selling her unique brand of hardcore fuck movies. Hell, she’s even putting on a dance performance late on Saturday night that’s bound to be a must-see!

Be warned, though: you’ll not only have to shrug off a throng of amped-up horror fans ogling and angling at a chance to flirt (or at least clumsily attempt to flirt) with Joanna Angel, you’ll have to beat horror and blaxploitation legend Fred “The Hammer” Williamson to the proverbial punch, too.

Shock Stock takes place April 13th through 15th at Centennial Hall in London, Ontario. For more information, the full guest list, and to purchase tickets visit Shock-Stock.com.