Joanna Angel Spooks Canada, Eh?

Joanna Angel FuckensteinJoanna Angel, queen bee of alt.porn renegades Burning Angel, has ditched her Brooklyn buddies, turned her nose up at Hollywood, and has fled to the Great White North. That’s right, canucks, the pink-haired, heavily-tattooed assfucking fanatic herself is heading your way and not for the reasons you might suspect. (No, she’s not an obsessed Tim Horton’s fan or emigrating to our northern neighbor.) Appearing live all this weekend at Shock Stock, Canada’s newest horror convention, Joanna will be signing copies of her black-and-white pornographic throwback to classic horror movies, Fuckenstein, and yakkin’ it up with fans from her very own booth on the convention floor, and doing what she does best, selling her unique brand of hardcore fuck movies. Hell, she’s even putting on a dance performance late on Saturday night that’s bound to be a must-see!

Be warned, though: you’ll not only have to shrug off a throng of amped-up horror fans ogling and angling at a chance to flirt (or at least clumsily attempt to flirt) with Joanna Angel, you’ll have to beat horror and blaxploitation legend Fred “The Hammer” Williamson to the proverbial punch, too.

Shock Stock takes place April 13th through 15th at Centennial Hall in London, Ontario. For more information, the full guest list, and to purchase tickets visit Shock-Stock.com.

Happy and Horny Housewife

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comDear Missy Pink;

I hope my letter falls under the criteria of what you offer advice for, it’s not really a sexual issue between my husband and I, but it is sexual about myself. I guess I would be considered a MILF of sort, I’m in my mid 40’s, have 2 grown children, a husband I adore, a good life, and a sex drive that just won’t stop! I work out at the gym 4 times a week, my husband always tells me how hot I still am, and our bedroom is kept active multiple times a week, even quickies in the middle of the day, but I need more. All I think about is the burning between my legs that needs constant attention. I’m wearing my spouse out, he’s more than happy to keep me satisfied, but, I haven’t told him just how sex driven I am, I’m afraid he’ll feel inadequate.

Happy and Horny Housewife

Dear Happy and Horny Housewife;

Well, it seems like you do have a bit of a dirty dilemma, but one that most any man in the world would love to be dealing with! Normally, after a few years of marriage, the husband ends up receiving more doggy style sex than anything, and in this case, it’s not what you think, actually, it’s where he sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead!

One thing I didn’t read in your letter was any reference to looking outside of your marriage for the means to manage your moisture, kudos to you for that! With that being said, I would say the answer to your sexual issue could be solved in one word….gasoline. Yes, fill your vehicle’s tank to full, take a trip to the next county over, find that little hidden shop that carries toys for big girls, and go on a shopping bender! You’re more than fortunate that your marital mate is ready to drop his boxers and service both of your needs on the frequent basis that he does, and who doesn’t love those afternoon quickies?! But if you’re still seeking something for your saturation, then I would advise you to maybe bypass the batteries and go for the big guns that run off of AC/DC. Don’t worry about shaving your legs, just spread them and let the gooey times roll!

You claim you need more attention from the comfort of your own bed, and it sounds as if even though your husband is very in tune with your body, maybe it’s time you take a little road trip over your own curves. If you’ve never thought about masturbation, it’s time you do. One thing about it, whenever you want it, you’re always available to do what needs done. Buy yourself a vibrator that does everything but the dishes, have a multitude of settings, take yourself through stimulating foreplay and then flip that baby to high and let the juices fly!

When you toss a load of whites into the washer, lean firmly against the front of the machine as the agitator starts, let it warm up your mid-section, and then set time aside for you to spend with your new purchase, you won’t be cheating on anyone, and those self induced orgasms through the day will be just the thing to hold your horniness over until the hubby gets home from work.

Scrape the dust off of your credit card, get excited tonight at the thought of your shopping spree tomorrow, and always remember, masturbation is sex with someone you love!

Vicky Vette, Legal Eagle

Ok, so Vicky Vette may not actually be a bar association member or legal professional of any kind, but she is quite crafty with a lawsuit. On March 29 2012, a Los Angeles court denied a motion by AdultFriendFinder and Danni.com that called for dismissal of Vette’s charges that these parties, both owned by Penthouse, used her likeness to advertise on thousands of banner ads and promo graphics without her permission. With the motion to dismiss denied, Vette’s case can now proceed to trial, but this is but a piss in the ocean when it comes to adult performers holding control of their likenesses and imagery. So, what’s the word from Ms. Vette on the issue?

“It is outrageous that AdultFriendFinder can think it it’s ok to use my image without even letting me know. I think it’s a scam on me & the general public. I am not sure where this ranks in the ‘annals’ of jurisprudence but I am happy with the result in Court. I know of at least three other girls in the business they are doing the exact same thing to, including Bibi Jones, Carmen Valentina & Gisele. I had nothing but respect for Danni and Penthouse (which owns AdultFriendFinder) so I am a bit stunned they would treat adult stars this way.”

Vette’s attorney, Michael Kernan, Esq. told LukeIsBack.com “AdultFriendFinder argued it had model releases barring any claims, but the Court was not convinced anything covered the image in question.” Now perhaps other adult stars will take action against what is clearly a crime of misinformation and false advertising perpetrated against those who might consider joining AdultFriendFinder, which claims to have a registered community of more than forty-one million users, by those cashing the checks on their sexual frustration.

Adult FriendFinder

Might I suggest, Andi San Dimas, Dana DeArmond, Harmony Rose, and Melanie Rios, that you all consult an attorney immediately? And can I have some kind of finder’s fee? Thirty percent should do it. Cheers.