Scare Yourself Stiff with Fleshlight!

Fleshlight FreaksBy now every porn-loving guy on the planet should be familiar with Fleshlight, the discreet, portable masturbation aid for men that offers custom molds of pornstar pussies in a variety of flesh-like textures. But with Halloween approaching, it seems only fitting that guys might want something a little otherworldly to stick their dick in. Asa Akira, love her to death, just doesn’t scream Halloween!

Fleshlight’s Freaks range of penis receptacles for men and dildos for women offer spooky Halloween-themed sexual satisfaction under the names Zombie, Alien, Frankenstein, Drac, and Cyborg. Modeled after some of history’s most monstrous creations (and those fucking blue Avatar creatures!) the Fleshlight Freaks range is one of the most inspired and original creations to come out of the sexual aid industry in quite some time.

Zombie’s feel is that of decaying flesh, with a warped, mangled texture that only the freakiest of masturbators (and die-hard zombie fans) will relish. The wrinkled, wounded phallus that is its dildo counterpart is truly horrifying and looks ready to fuck your girl’s brains out whether you want it to or not.

The electric blue Alien dick-sleeve has a more box-like opening than a humanoid vagina and looks surprisingly warm and inviting, while the Alien dildo, also glowing blue, is extra wide and just humanoid enough to seem like an evolutionary step up from what you’re no doubt packing.

The stitched faux-flesh of the “Frankenvag” and the piecemeal phallus dubbed “Frankencock” are oversized and sit right on the edge of perfection and collapse, with the famous Monster’s neck bolts now transplanted to the shaft of this Shelley-inspired dick. A truly barbaric junkpile modification of the human penis.

Drac takes the most romantic and erotic of the famous monsters and presents it in a more explicit hardcore rendering. Bat-wing labia open the door to your impending loss of fluids while the stake-like, thick-veined, crimson boner equivalent dildo is perfectly symmetrical and bound to thrill your Twilight-obsessed ladyfriend.

Perhaps the scariest of all Fleshlight Freaks, however, is Cyborg. The robotically ribbed SuperSkin-textured offers a bionic pussy for you to pound and comes in both vibrating and non-vibrating editions. Women, meanwhile, are presented with a cobalt blue, almost purple shaft that looks more like a futuristic videogame joystick than the fuckstick you’re wielding. Ribbed, ribbed, ribbed with a bumpy shaft and artificially sleek sack, the Cyborg rod could soon replace you if you don’t adapt and evolve.

Oh, and don’t take these out trick-or-treating or you’re liable to end up behind bars at the mercy of a fat, sweaty, tattooed cellmate!

In Celebration of Asses

Today, dear reader, is National Ass Day and although I’ve no idea where this unofficial day of celebratory derriere worship originated, it was hash-tagged on Twitter (#NationalAssDay) and is therefore legitimate. If you follow Mr. Pink’s on Twitter, you would’ve seen me posting and retweeting some incredible backsides throughout the day, but if you don’t and didn’t here’s something tasty in praise of asses: the greatest rear-ends in porn!

 

Jynx Maze

Jynx Maze

 

Jessie Rogers

Jessie Rogers

 

Alexis Texas

Alexis Texas

 

Rachel Starr

Rachel Starr

 

Rebeca Linares

Rebeca Linares

Feel I’ve neglected some deliciously endowed women and their perfectly-proportioned rumps? Lemme know and join in the celebrations!

Naughty America’s 5,000th Scene Celebration

Naughty America 5000th sceneNaughty America has long been a staple of many porn fans’ viewing diets. With such notable and highly lauded sites as I Have a Wife, Ass Masterpiece, My First Sex Teacher, and Seduced by a Cougar, the immense network has acted out the fantasies of every guy in America, and has garnered some very approving reviews from yours truly in the process. Now, eight years after the very first Naughty America scene was unleashed upon an audience, the company that claims “Nobody does it better,” celebrates a remarkable milestone: it’s 5,000th scene.

Thanks to consistent multiple daily updates and years of impressive porn productions, Naughty America has managed to reach its 5,000th scene before plenty of other networks and it’s celebrating in style. India Summer, winner of XBIZ’s MILF of the Year award for 2012, takes the starring role in this American Daydreams scene and daydream she does. After dinner and a movie, India is all ready to pounce on her husband, but he took a rare moment of solitude to beat off, cum, and fall asleep while she was undressing in the bathroom. Like a supreme dope, he left his iPad lying on his lap as he floated into dreamland. India picks up the tablet, sees that he was watching a Naughty America scene. Sexually frustrated and horny as hell, India gazes at the woman that made her husband blow and starts fantasizing about a career in porn herself.

Approaching India’s front door is a Naughty America rep who tells viewers Ms. Summer is in for a big surprise. With flowers, a tiara, and a trophy, not to mention Johnny Sinns, ready to fuck, India is crowned Miss Five Thousand and given the chance to be a pornstar for a day. Not one to fuck around, figuratively speaking, India quickly drags Johnny inside, tears off her blouse and skirt, and proceeds to let her inner slut loose. What follows, dear reader, is a scene loaded with celebratory energy and a joyous exuberance not seen since, well… Ah, fuck it. Check it out for yourself.

Congratulations, Naughty America! You’ve done us proud.