Viva la Chiva!

When online translation tools failed to give me a satisfactory English rendition of the phrase “chiva culiona” (the title of a Culioneros site) I turned to that last vestige of seemingly reliable knowledge: human contact. After calling a friend fluent in Spanish and conversational in Portuguese, I was still left with no translation. Could it be slang? Could it be a completely made up title that means essentially nothing? Nope, it just referred to public transportation.

Chiva Bus
Chiva Bus image courtesy of -Chupacabras-

The Chiva bus (also called Escalera [ladder] Bus) are brightly decorated artisan vehicles found in rural Colombia and Ecuador that transport residents around the towns and villages of the mountainous Andean region. Painted blue, yellow, and red like the national flags of the two countries that spawned them, these double-decker buses have remained an integral mode of transportation for the area, becoming a cultural icon in more recent years. (Hell, even Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore, and Cameron Diaz arrived at a New York Charlie’s Angels premiere atop a Chiva bus.) The unique structure of the Chiva bus allows for varying use: a roof rack supports luggage and goods, the usual absence of doors allows for quick boarding and alighting, and the intricate, hand-painted text and graphic designs give each bus a personal, communal touch rivaled in the United States by only one vehicle: the infamous Bang Bus.

Bang Bus

It’s not just the elaborate hand-drawn designs and high occupancy that Chiva buses and the Bang Bus have in common: they’re both mobile porn studios that see the hottest, easiest women in Colombia and Florida, respectively, climb aboard to earn some money fucking random strangers. Chiva Culiona brings dozens of many-wheeled hardcore hookups your way in a distinctly Latin fashion, while the Bang Bus we all know and love keeps its wheels turning as it cruises around with an incredibly lucky guy or adventurous pornstar babe in tow for guaranteed adult entertainment gold.

Computer Wife – Missy Pink’s Sex Advice

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comDear Missy Pink,

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years, and our sex life has remained multiple times a week, even spontaneous quickies on top of that, so we are very sexually active. They recently changed his work shift to where he’s gone all night and since I work days, we don’t see one another much. He has a computer at work and wants me to use the webcam on our laptop to live chat with him. He’s expecting me to masturbate and tease him while he watches, but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Not only could someone come by his cubicle and see what’s on his computer, but, I am a bit old fashioned and private, enjoying our bedroom, not technology. I’m afraid if I don’t do it, maybe he’ll find someone that will, he has a very high sex drive. I’m not sure what to do.

Computer Wife

Dear Wife;

First of all, kudos to having a husband with a high sex drive, and having that drive aimed towards you, even if it does include the computer. It’s apparent, you are the one that peaks his erotic interest, he wants to see you performing for him, while thinking of him and talking to him, … a rare trait, and one to be appreciated.

With that being said, maybe you could explain things to your horny hubby as, it’s not that you don’t want to turn him on while he’s at work, showing you’re missing him as much as he is you, but you want your excitement to show only to him, you don’t want to feel the possibility of a stranger viewing your open thighs, that is for him only. That will not only boost his ego, but also reaffirm his trust in your marriage. Being playful is great, adding spice to the bedroom, or the office, whatever the case may be is a commodity well claimed for keeping things alive between couples, but, it has to be stimulating for both or there’s definitely going to be something lost in the translation. It’s hard to be turned on when you feel you’re being tuned- in by others.

It seems to me the point of origin for your worries is the fact you’re like two ships passing in the night now, so why not drop anchor when convenient for you both. If he arrives home early in the morning from his shift, and you’re in the process of awakening and preparing for your day of duties, before you slip into the shower, slide back under the sheets, make love and use up those precious minutes to feel mutual intimacy. If he’s ready to walk out the door as your coming home, set down your purse and then drop to your knees, give him a quickie of oral pleasure and then pat his butt, hand him his dinner bucket and send him on his way. That will keep his mind occupied while at work!

Couples need to be creative, and I’m sure his ideas didn’t disgust you, just made you apprehensive, so, think a bit further out of the box, let your mind go wild with opportunities for bringing the closeness back into your life. You have the most important things going for you already, fidelity and desire, so work to keep those embers as a blazing inferno!

Vibe Guide States the Buzzin’ Obvious

Sex ToysLeading online condom store, Condomania, recently published a how-to guide for women who’ve never used a vibrator before. Titled “How to Use a Vibrator: Helpful Advice for First-Timers”, the article details the ins and outs of vibe use – and thankfully with less lame puns than this blog – and points out what some might find to be exceedingly obvious. Ranging from inane observations – “Vibrators for women take many shapes and come in various sizes,” – to thinly-veiled product endorsements – “Some first-timers opt for Trojan vibrators, which come in easy to use designs that aren’t intimidating to use or expensive to buy,” – the guide may come across as completely unnecessary to some, but will likely have all those previously asexual Fifty Shades fans giggling in their Nordstrom Rack-purchased frocks and contemplating self-satisfaction of the battery-operated kind.

From setting the mood – “dimming the lights, turning on soft music; whatever you need to feel sexy” – to letting the previously external-only phallus find its way inside – “Allowing the vibrator to enter the vagina simulates sexual intercourse but adds an extra ‘buzz'” – Condomania seeks to cover all areas of vibrator-aided self-pleasure and, somewhat surprisingly, even suggests using a vibe with a partner for added stimulation. A novel concept if ever there was one!

What Condomania’s guide seems to be missing, though, is the efficiency vibrators introduce into masturbation. By selecting the right shape and size of toy, getting to know its settings and potential power, women can feasibly bring themselves to a height of masturbatory bliss and brevity rivaled only by the most accomplished of male self-strokers. Plenty of guys can sit in a restaurant bathroom, spit in their palm, and rub one out in two or three minutes, so what’s with all the candles, scents, and allotment of a solid hour of “me time” needed by the presumed readers of Condomania’s guide. Is the only thing keeping these women readers from near-instant sexual self-gratification the hypocrisy that’d arise should they continue making jokes about feeble sex-obsessed men and their devotion to the manual orgasm process? Nobody said sexual liberation didn’t come with a cost and if that’s less jerk-off jokes, so be it.

A Very Brazzers Christmas & New Year

Never willing to be outdone by the competition, Brazzers has followed Naughty America’s lead in releasing its very own Christmas scene. Unfortunately for the infamous ZZ, Naughty America’s office-set four-way not only beat Brazzers’ version by launching on Christmas Day (not two days after Christmas), it also put Brazzers MILF-laden scene to shame with a cast of stellar performers of difference ages and sexual styles. Where Brazzers cast Krissy Lynn, Tanya Tate, Chanel Preston, and Nicole Aniston – all of whom are fine performers, by the way – Naughty America hired Lexi Belle, Brandi Love, Madison Ivy, and Veronica Avluv for a generation gap-bridging quartet that simply cannot be beat.

While missing the boat with (an admittedly quite strong) Christmas effort, Brazzers may have simply been waiting until another holiday rolled around, one constituting more familiar territory for the always-partying revelers behind the ZZ brand. That’s right, folks, Brazzers has unleashed a double-header to cure even the most severe New Year’s Day hangover. Nikki Benz and Alexis Ford square up against Manuel Ferrara and Keiran Lee in a Pornstars Like it Big scene so ribald it’ll have you waiting with bated breath as the girls become increasingly horny the closer it gets to the celebrated midnight hour. Meanwhile, over at Real Wife Stories, Brazzers tells of Vanilla Deville, a woman so sexually frustrated she needs the biggest party night of the year to finally realize her inner slut. Making a resolution to “meet new people and fuck more guys”, Vanilla certainly isn’t wasting the carnal opportunity of the year, not at a party with Johnny Castle and Erik Everhard in attendance.

So, dear reader, it seems Brazzers just isn’t the kind of company to throw everything into a scene celebrating the most over-celebrated holiday in the Western World and instead jumps at the chance to create pornographic parties that put even Hef’s to shame. Why not ring in the New Year with two choice Brazzers cuts?