Fuckin’ Like a Rock Star with Life Selector – Pt. 2

Simony Diamond“Rock chicks like it rough, don’t they?” With that and my desire to entertain thousands at the biggest stadiums in the country in mind, I chose to pull the hair of my very first groupie mid-blowjob. The young lady doing the blowing, the one I previously identified as Simony Diamond, is in fact someone else entirely. (Life Selector isn’t as clear as it should be when identifying its models.) Whoever she is, her accent is trĂ©s sexy, her fashion sense is somewhere between Avril Lavigne and Jenna Haze in groupie mode, and she seemed to respond well to my virtual hair-pulling; so well that she’s decided something else is in order. Now, do I want a handjob (nah), to explode on her face (maybe) or fill her mouth with my seed (perhaps). For visual flair, I’ll choose a facial. And with that, dear reader, I blast my nameless first groupie from brow to chin, huffing and puffing as I make my deposit. She seems satisfied enough, but I’ve still got rock star dreams to fulfill. Which brings me to (the real) Simony Diamond.

Reclining on a sofa, tattoos on full display, iPhone (in KISS case) in her hand, texting, band manager Simony Diamond looks up to greet me.
“Hi, I’ve heard about you,” she says in a thick Hungarian accent and pointing to a purple Gibson Les Paul, she asks to be shown some of my skills. From the way she continues texting and occasionally rolling her eyes, I can tell she’s not an fan of poorly composed, inauthentic sounding midi-guitar. Another choice appears: Do I show her my “finger technique” or impress her with “my other great skill” (a.k.a.: my dick!)?

This being the virtual fulfillment of my destiny, I pull my dick out and expect her to leap on it. After all, it’s a pretty hefty thing and she doesn’t seem that enthralled in her heavy metal magazine. With my cock out and erect, I sit there on the sofa before the incredible Simony Diamond. She bolts upright! “Hey, go out, motherfucker!” she yells, pointing towards the door. “Shit! Go out!”

I blew it, folks, but thanks to Life Selector’s resumable, amendable storylines, I can simply jump back to the beginning, follow the same path as before and simply pick an alternate option at the moment of crisis.

Join me next week as I endeavor to not only nail that contract but Ms. Diamond, too.

Remembering Harry Reems

Harry Reams

Linda Lovelace is likely the only name most people associate with the notorious Deep Throat, the movie that made her oral abilities legend and thrust hardcore porn into the popular culture for more than 40 years (and counting!), but there’s one man without whom Linda’s legend, the movie’s notoriety and infamy, and the porn world as we know it would be immeasurably different. That man, Harry Reems, on March 19th, 2013 in Salt Lake City VA Hospital passed away at age 65 after battling a number of health problems and falling into a coma on March 15th.

Reems was born Herbert Stricher in 1947 in the Bronx, N.Y. and remained unknown to the world at large until 1972’s Deep Throat and 1973’s The Devil in Miss Jones had him, under Gerard Damaino’s direction, helping Lovelace prove her oral mettle by use of his own impressive appendage. Deep Throat also created one of the most notorious obscenity furors in American history, resulting in many districts banning exhibition of the film. in 1975, agents arrested Reems in New York and he was indicted on federal charges of conspiracy to distribute obscenity across state lines in a Memphis, Tennessee court. Convicted in April 1976, Reems was later released after his conviction was overturned on appeal in 1977.

After years of abusing drugs and alcohol, inspired by a Reverend in Park City, Utah, Reems entered recovery at the dawn of the 90s. A newly married man and fresh convert to Christianity, Reems, who continued to use that name given to him by his Deep Throat director for the rest of his life, remained in Park City with his wife, Jeanne Sterret, until his death and never disowned or tried to distance himself completely from his most notorious film. He even spoke with the Salt Lake Tribune about the film, its legacy, and ‘Lovelace’, the Amanda Seyfreid-starring biopic of his controversial co-star that recently swept through his adopted hometown as part of the Sundance Film Festival.

Harry Reems 1947 – 2013.

Kimberly Kane is Wonder Woman

Kimberly KaneThe early 21st century wave of pornographic parody movies, the one we’re currently wading in the oh-so-pleasant waters of, has already seen two attempts to immortalize DC Comics’ iconic warrior princess, Princess Diana of Themyscria. The first, Wonder Woman XXX: A Hardcore Parody arrived in 2010 from Mile High saw Tori Black don the red, white, blue, and gold armor of trendy mod boutique proprietor Diana Prince’s alter-ego, while it was Chanel Preston who wielded the Lasso of Truth in director Rob Black’s Wonder Woman Interactive: A XXX Adventure Game Parody. Of these two valiant parody efforts, fanboys still seemed to feel that Diana’s time hadn’t yet come, parody-wise, but that’s all set to change with the meeting of this Princess and parody porn’s reigning king.

Axel Braun, the director responsible for porn’s biggest parodies movies and the winner of an astonishing ten AVNs including three Director of the Year awards in three years, knew he’d have a tough job finding exactly the right person for his Wonder Woman but after auditioning more than a dozen actresses and seeing many excellent interpretations, Kimberly Kane stood head and shoulders above the rest.

Kane, who stands 5’9″ tall, 134 lbs, 36B-26-35, seems an appropriate physical fit for the Amazonian warrior princess. who’ll be a more adult rendering in Braun’s film. “What [Kane] brings to the character is the image of a strong, independent woman,” Braun said. “The movie deals with the Wonder Woman story in a much darker, more adult way. She’s not going to be the goody-two-shoes that she was in the ’70s. She’s a woman, she kicks ass. And Kim can definitely kick serious ass.”

With three weeks of intensive physical training bringing her to tip-top, fighting-fit shape, Kane, who previously worked with the director on Star Wars XXX, This Ain’t the Expendables XXX, and Batman XXX porn parodies, seems more than ready for the role, telling AVN “It feels good to be trusted with another of his mega roles.”

To see just how well she’ll do as the famed Wonder Woman, we’ll have to wait a while. Until then, though, Kane promises to keep enthusiasm high, even amidst the potential embarrassment of her promised onslaught of TwitPics showing her previous, more youthful, no doubt adorably awkward attempts at slipping into those white-starred underpants, telling “I was Wonder Woman for Halloween for like 10 years… so I can’t wait to share those pics on Twitter!”

Axel Braun’s as-yet untitled Wonder Woman parody went into production this week.