Can’t Keep a Danish Nympho Down

Plenty of those working in the adult industry have found themselves up against YouTube’s posted Community Guidelines for posting content deemed inappropriate and unwelcome, too sexually provocative for a general audience. Self-shot pornstar vlogs and adult movie trailers alike have been taken offline after being reported by more conservative users, but movies with worldwide cinema distribution deals have largely been left to flourish in the most expansive marketing tool the industry has ever seen. Until now.

Lars Von Trier

For those unaware, that’s Danish cinema provocateur Lars Von Trier, whose next film’s trailer was recently unleashed upon a global cinema culture wet with anticipation. Then, rather unceremoniously, it was pulled from YouTube, the most visible (and vital) viral video site (and promotional tool) in history. Thankfully, YouTube isn’t the only game in town, leaving Vimeo, Onion’s A.V. Club, and numerous other outlets to run the highly explicit, defiantly NSFW trailer uncensored. And, surpassing most expectations (at least the more puerile ones) and following on from a series of orgasmically evocative character posters, the trailer’s loaded with explicit imagery that should persuade you to ignore the more intolerable heart-wrenching films of Von Trier’s past and at least give Nymphomaniac, which is reported to run 5½ hours in its full cut, a devoted fast-forwarding.

For the trainspotters out there that still need to be convinced to check out the trailer, here’s a brief rundown of the carnally adventurous treasures it contains:

– Graphic (if brief) shot of labia in repose.
– Charlotte Gainsbourg crawling naked, sucking dick, and fucking on a hospital bed.
– … and beaten black and blue.
– A proposed virginity-shedding.
– Uma Thurman referring to a “Whoring bed,” before screaming her lungs out.
– A bare-assed caning, complete with instructions and corrections.
– Stacy Martin wiping what appears to be ejaculate from her lip and breathing “Wow.”
– Shia LaBeouf licking a nipple.
– Some crying.
– A few pretentious lines of voiceover.
– and Rammstein.

Nymphomaniac, in its truncated form, is set a Dec. 25 US release. Learn more at the official website and, for now at least, just watch the damn trailer!

Nymphomaniac Official Trailer from Zentropa on Vimeo.

Joanna Angel & Gigolos Launch Pants!

Some weeks ago, Burning Angel head honcho and figure head Joanna Angel launched her latest multimedia endeavor. Compared to the punk rock entrepreneur’s previous business ventures, though, this one is almost completely lacking in cumshots aimed at tattoos, filthy bathroom sex, and plundered assholes. Joanna Angel & The Gigolos, a self-described hardcore punk party band featuring Angel and two former members of Fenix TX), previewed their new single ‘Gimme Some Pants’ a few weeks back but (in true punk practice) only just now got around to finishing off the video and tossing it online. And, in all its glory, here it is:

Delivered with Joanna’s trademark sass and knowing wink, ‘Gimme Some Pants’ channels The Runaways, The Cars, and, strangely enough, Midnight Oil while still keeping that Burning Angel irreverence at peak operational capacity. In between discotheque decor and much humorous prancing and trying on of trousers, Joanna and director Mike Quasar even manage to inject the video with a handful of preview clips for Burning Angel’s upcoming feature, Band Sluts. Also starring Annika Amour, Nikki Hearts, Arrabelle Raphael, Draven Star, and (Mr. Pink favorite) Veruca James, Band Sluts sees Joanna and her bandmate Tommy Pistol (the Jack to her rack-tastic Meg White) set off on a tour in search of fame, fortune, and fornication. It’s three hours of carnality and guitar-twangin’ as Band Sluts cements the mockumentary as Burning Angel’s go-to feature format and ensures no porn fan will be able to think of hardcore sex and hardcore rock ‘n’ roll without Joanna Angel’s winking face and winning figure popping into their mind’s eye.

Joanna Angel & The Gigolos’ video ‘Gimme Some Pants’ can now be seen and heard and purchased all around the ‘net. Band Sluts is out now from Burning Angel.

Gambino, Bang Bros, You Adore Abella

Porn has always been about the stark marriage of two different images or entities: the man and the woman, the penile and the vaginal, the black and the white, celebrities and graphic depictions of their most private moments, the discharged liquid and the receiving solid. (The overly obvious “big dick” and “tight hole” also applies.) Now, one unlikely combination of talents sexual and muso-comedic has resulted in a hip-hop video with a decidedly unusual erotic twist.

In the following video you’ll hear Childish Gambino (a.k.a.: Donald Glover) declare his undying fondness for a particular lady and see the marvelously constructed Abella sexily move around the window of an online webcam chat as Glover’s words appear in the chat field. Met with plenty of xs, os, and emoticons, Glover’s spiel doesn’t have an especially deep effect on Abella, but it does incite her to dance seductively and that’s enough for this guy (meaning me) and that guy (meaning Childish Gambino) both. Care to lay your eyes on Abella’s sultry swaying?

Childish Gambino’s unfortunately lifeless delivery belies his intended emotional core, leaving ‘3005’ an infantile and directionless jab at a witty hip-hop devotional. It’s left then to Ms. Anderson to entertain and that she does, gyrating her red bikini and white t-shirt-clad frame in a cyber-striptease for the author. Anyone who’s seen her ace work for some Bang Bros can surely agree that Abella’s almost as scorching in tease as she is in full carnal swing, making her work here with Childish Gambino a must-see even if the track falls flat.

Abella Anderson’s role in ‘3005’ also ties nicely into a promotion currently being run by her not infrequent employer, Bang Bros. Offering their members the chance to win $1000 of free webcam credits (to be used on Bang Bros Chat), the BB crew ask only for your participation in their weekly raffle, the winners of which can indulge in live webcam shows with pornstars, amateurs, and plenty of Eastern European chicks – on the house!

If that doesn’t constitute proof of both Bang Bros and Ms. Anderson’s relentless devotion to keeping you aroused and entertained as only the best online porn can, what can?

(*Although, it must be noted that upon clicking the posted “Interested in our no purchase necessary option,” all I arrived at was a link-less sentence (“Also learn about our no purchase necessary option here.”) insisting that, although notably absent, a ‘no purchase necessary’ option did indeed exist. For this slightly evasive and deceitful promotional stunt , fellows, I’m afraid you’ll have to part with actual (virtual) currency to the tune of $1.35!)