Can’t Keep a Danish Nympho Down

Plenty of those working in the adult industry have found themselves up against YouTube’s posted Community Guidelines for posting content deemed inappropriate and unwelcome, too sexually provocative for a general audience. Self-shot pornstar vlogs and adult movie trailers alike have been taken offline after being reported by more conservative users, but movies with worldwide cinema distribution deals have largely been left to flourish in the most expansive marketing tool the industry has ever seen. Until now.

Lars Von Trier

For those unaware, that’s Danish cinema provocateur Lars Von Trier, whose next film’s trailer was recently unleashed upon a global cinema culture wet with anticipation. Then, rather unceremoniously, it was pulled from YouTube, the most visible (and vital) viral video site (and promotional tool) in history. Thankfully, YouTube isn’t the only game in town, leaving Vimeo, Onion’s A.V. Club, and numerous other outlets to run the highly explicit, defiantly NSFW trailer uncensored. And, surpassing most expectations (at least the more puerile ones) and following on from a series of orgasmically evocative character posters, the trailer’s loaded with explicit imagery that should persuade you to ignore the more intolerable heart-wrenching films of Von Trier’s past and at least give Nymphomaniac, which is reported to run 5½ hours in its full cut, a devoted fast-forwarding.

For the trainspotters out there that still need to be convinced to check out the trailer, here’s a brief rundown of the carnally adventurous treasures it contains:

– Graphic (if brief) shot of labia in repose.
– Charlotte Gainsbourg crawling naked, sucking dick, and fucking on a hospital bed.
– … and beaten black and blue.
– A proposed virginity-shedding.
– Uma Thurman referring to a “Whoring bed,” before screaming her lungs out.
– A bare-assed caning, complete with instructions and corrections.
– Stacy Martin wiping what appears to be ejaculate from her lip and breathing “Wow.”
– Shia LaBeouf licking a nipple.
– Some crying.
– A few pretentious lines of voiceover.
– and Rammstein.

Nymphomaniac, in its truncated form, is set a Dec. 25 US release. Learn more at the official website and, for now at least, just watch the damn trailer!

Nymphomaniac Official Trailer from Zentropa on Vimeo.

Joanna Angel & Gigolos Launch Pants!

Some weeks ago, Burning Angel head honcho and figure head Joanna Angel launched her latest multimedia endeavor. Compared to the punk rock entrepreneur’s previous business ventures, though, this one is almost completely lacking in cumshots aimed at tattoos, filthy bathroom sex, and plundered assholes. Joanna Angel & The Gigolos, a self-described hardcore punk party band featuring Angel and two former members of Fenix TX), previewed their new single ‘Gimme Some Pants’ a few weeks back but (in true punk practice) only just now got around to finishing off the video and tossing it online. And, in all its glory, here it is:

Delivered with Joanna’s trademark sass and knowing wink, ‘Gimme Some Pants’ channels The Runaways, The Cars, and, strangely enough, Midnight Oil while still keeping that Burning Angel irreverence at peak operational capacity. In between discotheque decor and much humorous prancing and trying on of trousers, Joanna and director Mike Quasar even manage to inject the video with a handful of preview clips for Burning Angel’s upcoming feature, Band Sluts. Also starring Annika Amour, Nikki Hearts, Arrabelle Raphael, Draven Star, and (Mr. Pink favorite) Veruca James, Band Sluts sees Joanna and her bandmate Tommy Pistol (the Jack to her rack-tastic Meg White) set off on a tour in search of fame, fortune, and fornication. It’s three hours of carnality and guitar-twangin’ as Band Sluts cements the mockumentary as Burning Angel’s go-to feature format and ensures no porn fan will be able to think of hardcore sex and hardcore rock ‘n’ roll without Joanna Angel’s winking face and winning figure popping into their mind’s eye.

Joanna Angel & The Gigolos’ video ‘Gimme Some Pants’ can now be seen and heard and purchased all around the ‘net. Band Sluts is out now from Burning Angel.

Gambino, Bang Bros, You Adore Abella

Porn has always been about the stark marriage of two different images or entities: the man and the woman, the penile and the vaginal, the black and the white, celebrities and graphic depictions of their most private moments, the discharged liquid and the receiving solid. (The overly obvious “big dick” and “tight hole” also applies.) Now, one unlikely combination of talents sexual and muso-comedic has resulted in a hip-hop video with a decidedly unusual erotic twist.

In the following video you’ll hear Childish Gambino (a.k.a.: Donald Glover) declare his undying fondness for a particular lady and see the marvelously constructed Abella sexily move around the window of an online webcam chat as Glover’s words appear in the chat field. Met with plenty of xs, os, and emoticons, Glover’s spiel doesn’t have an especially deep effect on Abella, but it does incite her to dance seductively and that’s enough for this guy (meaning me) and that guy (meaning Childish Gambino) both. Care to lay your eyes on Abella’s sultry swaying?

Childish Gambino’s unfortunately lifeless delivery belies his intended emotional core, leaving ‘3005’ an infantile and directionless jab at a witty hip-hop devotional. It’s left then to Ms. Anderson to entertain and that she does, gyrating her red bikini and white t-shirt-clad frame in a cyber-striptease for the author. Anyone who’s seen her ace work for some Bang Bros can surely agree that Abella’s almost as scorching in tease as she is in full carnal swing, making her work here with Childish Gambino a must-see even if the track falls flat.

Abella Anderson’s role in ‘3005’ also ties nicely into a promotion currently being run by her not infrequent employer, Bang Bros. Offering their members the chance to win $1000 of free webcam credits (to be used on Bang Bros Chat), the BB crew ask only for your participation in their weekly raffle, the winners of which can indulge in live webcam shows with pornstars, amateurs, and plenty of Eastern European chicks – on the house!

If that doesn’t constitute proof of both Bang Bros and Ms. Anderson’s relentless devotion to keeping you aroused and entertained as only the best online porn can, what can?

(*Although, it must be noted that upon clicking the posted “Interested in our no purchase necessary option,” all I arrived at was a link-less sentence (“Also learn about our no purchase necessary option here.”) insisting that, although notably absent, a ‘no purchase necessary’ option did indeed exist. For this slightly evasive and deceitful promotional stunt , fellows, I’m afraid you’ll have to part with actual (virtual) currency to the tune of $1.35!)

Boning The Boss – Missy Pink’s Sex Advice

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comHey Missy Pink,

I need a female opinion on something, but I don’t want to talk to any of my girlfriends about this issue. I work in an office, and I’ve been there for nearly 4 years. About 14 months ago a new manager was hired, and this guy makes every part of my body tremble. He’s so hot! I try to keep it to myself, but I find myself flirting with him now, even when other co-workers are close by, I have this need for him to know he turns me on. He’s not married, but is engaged and his fiancé is beautiful and very nice. I’m 30 years old, suppose to be mature enough to handle bumps in the road, but there’s just something about this guy. Should I pursue him or just leave it to my sexual fantasies?

– Boning The Boss

Dear Friend;

There’s nothing like the imagination for making things nearly unbearable to deal with. It sounds as if you’ve become pretty bold on making your intentions known, however, the one thing you failed to tell me is, has he responded to your advances? Does he show the same type of interest in you, or is it purely one-sided? You mentioned he’s engaged, which says he has a commitment with someone else, but, has he given you signs that he’s willing to step over the boundaries of being faithful?

They way you wrote your letter almost sounded desperate, as if you have to have this man or else! And, by the question you asked of me, “Should I pursue him or just leave it to my sexual fantasies?” That told me two things immediately, the first being, you must be feeling some sort of guilt or apprehension, or you would have just acted upon your sexual attraction and never taken the time to pen your letter to me, so, there’s something gnawing at you, and, the second thing is, it’s as if you’re wanting my blessing before you charge. Well, I’m about to take away your charge card, because I cannot say, “Go get him!”
The fact you’ve not confided in your closest gal-pal speak volumes, that tells me there must be something that would bring a quick negativity from her, so, you’ve come to a friendly stranger instead. You don’t mention another thing in your letter, what your marital status is.

If I were a betting woman, I’d say your hormones are running away with you. Yes, there are times when paths cross with another person and the attraction can be astronomical, more than difficult to ignore. You’d rather toss him down on the office floor and leave rub burns on his butt while you ride him in hardcore style, and, I’m sure the image has gone through your mind to do so. I’m also willing to bet, that the feeling is not mutual, because if you’ve been hot for his body for 14 months, and you’re just now writing to me, then he’s not in the same place in time as you are, his affection is for someone else, emotional and physical.

There are times in life where dreams and fantasies can lead us to places it’s hard to return from, but, many of those times are ruined should they manifest into reality. We build up our hopes so high, that if something does truly take place, it could never measure up to the dream, and, we’re left disappointed in a way we never saw coming. So, if you want to keep the dream alive, I suggest hitting the snooze button. Keep the desires to yourself, become more professional in the office, allow him to see you as an asset to the company and not a giddy female that wants into his Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs.

Fantasies are a wonderful thing, when understood and not taken out of context, and 99.9% of the time, when not acted upon. With that being said, they would also make for wonderful masturbation material, so, stop on your way home from work and buy a pack of batteries, charge up your buzzing buddy, take a hot shower, and then get in touch with yourself, but restrict it to your bedroom and your mind.

If there’s any wetness to be felt in the office, restrict it to the water cooler!

Asa Really Is Wicked

Asa Akira

Already the recipient of 2013’s AVN Award for Female Performer of the Year and a recent addition to Elegant Angel’s stable of directorial talent, Asa Akira seems to be doing pretty well for herself this year. Now, hot on the heels of the announcement of her exclusive performance contract with Wicked Pictures, a company she has long admired and respected, Asa Akira releases her first self-titled Wicked picture called (not at all surprisingly) Asa Is Wicked.

Directed by veteran Brad Armstrong, the all-sex Asa Is Wicked release incorporates its star’s ideas and concepts. In a way, it had to. Originally planning for exclusive Asa’s debut to be a double-header co-starring Jessica Drake, Wicked overcame scheduling conflicts and resolved to cement Asa’s position amongst its already impressive roster of contract girls by granting her the freedom to perform as wildly here as she has elsewhere. Asa Is Wicked, then, sees the diminutive gangbang-lover oil-up Johnny Castle for a more feverish massage scene than most would be capable of, a double-penetration scene with Eric Masterson and Tommy Gunn, and, surprisingly enough, condoms in use in all scenes.

Of the condom use, director Armstrong says those in the industry remaining staunchly against their use should be reconsidering their attitudes. “For the guys, there’s a performance issue there, but for the girls, I can’t quite figure out why they would be opposed to it, but some are.” Clearly not Asa, though, who knowingly signed with a condom-mandating company and who says of her future, “I eventually want to have a family. I’ve been around a while. I think about these things now. I mean, I’m 28; in porn years, that’s like 80.”

Wicked Pictures and its new and future endeavors thankfully ensure we’ll be eyeing the talented Ms. Akira for as long as she’s having incredibly adventurous and enthusiastic sex on camera. And, really, that’s the best we can hope for, isn’t it?