May, 2014 | Mr. Pink's Blog

Kenyan Fisherman’s Wives Predict Downfall of Big Dicks

All those alpha males running around with visible bulges in their trousers, making women of all (adult) ages quiver with a mixture of excitement, intimidation, and overwhelming hunger and fucking up your chances to becoming Mayor of Pussytown are about to get their comeuppance. See, according to a study published earlier this month by PLOSOne entitled “Predictors of Extra-Marital Partnerships among Women Married to Fishermen along Lake Victoria in Kisumu County, Kenya,” the prevalence of infidelity among women (within a six month period) was 6.2%, and 95% of reporting women said they were prompted to engage in extra-marital frivolity because of (wait for it) their husband’s overly large erection.

Along with domestic violence, suspicion of a spouse’s own infidelity, and being denied their preferred sexual position, penis size was among the most commonly reported stated reasons or inductions to martial infidelity amongst these Kenyan communities. And, while you might be thinking, “Who cares? I’m not Kenyan, not a fisherman, and don’t have a giant god-like woody!” you’d be wrong to dismiss this study as inconsequential to your own life. After all, if you’ve ever been spurned by a woman’s cold shoulder simply because your own relatively inadequate manhood couldn’t stand up against another guy’s, your long-gestating revenge is at hand.

“Every one inch longer penis increased the likelihood of women being involved in extra-marital partnership by almost one-and-half times. Women associated large penises with pain and discomfort during sex which precludes the enjoyment and sexual satisfaction that women are supposed to feel,” research revealed, encouraging dismayed micropenises worldwide. One woman participating in the study revealed even more details. telling researchers “Some penis may be large yet my vagina is small, when he tries to insert it inside, it hurts so much that I will have to look for another man who has a smaller one and can do it in a way I can enjoy.”

Science, as everyone knows, is all “theories” and “research” and doesn’t amount to shit. But if it did, anyone with a chip on their shoulder concerning the size of their (and everyone else’s) penis and what it will or will not inspire in a prospective lifelong mate, any guys wishing the most physically blessed of us would stop stealing our thunder and, for once, be on the receiving end of something more severe that diminished blood flow and the occasional erectile problem, this here is the vindication he has sought! They may impress in the locker room and over a bar table of Appletinis, but a giant penis is more likely to leave its lover wanting something more manageable before too long. Whether or not you’ll be there to satisfy at a moments notice, however, is entirely up to you.

Burning Angel’s Pale Girls

Sitting in the back of the bus on a school trip during the most sexually interested (and therefore frustrated) years of high school, a female classmate asked me what I found attractive in or on a woman. Not wanting to offend present company, I hesitated. Pressing me for an answer (and lest I be declared unwaveringly homosexual), I started rattling off a list of things about the opposite sex that appealed to me. “Wit, intelligence, brown eyes, pale skin…” I was immediately interrupted and declared a roaring racist simply because I expressed a fondness for women with a ghostly pallor. Had my classmate let me finish, she would’ve learned that, not only was I not a white supremacist, I was basically down to fuck as many wildly different women as possible, her (a freckled Episcopalian redhead) included. Leave it to counter-cultural porno icon Joanna Angel to avenge what I saw as the grossest misidentification of a supposed racist than Elvis Costello’s drunken barroom insult of Ray Charles.

Burning Angel’s latest full-length hardcore endeavor, entitled Pale Girls, stars five melanin-deficient alt.pornstars and five of the most solid male performers in the business in scenes of wild, aggressive release. While the men (Mick Blue, Mr. Pete, Tomrry Pistol, Erik Everhard, Mark Wood) remain largely tattoo- and piercing-free, the ladies – Severin Graves, Madison Moon, Mabel, Draven Starr, and newcomer Vera Drake – not only bare their smooth, milky-white skin but prove it to be the perfect canvas for the dark, even disturbing tattoos for which the Burning Angel girls have become known.

The Joanna Angel-directed Pale Girls has yet to be given a street date, but all performers are featured on the Burning Angel website in scenes that may or may not make the final DVD cut (which also includes a BTS video, photo galleries, and trailers).

Burning Angel: fightin’ for (really white) whiteys since ’02.

Nikki Benz for Toronto Mayor

The beautiful, stately city of Toronto hasn’t exactly been getting great press of late, but the reasons are largely the responsibility of mayor Rob Ford. After numerous controversies plagued the early days of his term, and as the result of a Toronto Police Service gang investigation, Ford was documented in multiple videos to be a roaring alcoholic prone to “drunken stupors” in which he has ingested, among other intoxicants, crack cocaine. Some mayoral powers were taken from Ford and granted to his deputy, but with Canadian law preventing his removal from office, Ford intended to not only ride out his remaining days as leader of Toronto City Council but to run for reelection in October ’14. He’s up against some pretty stiff competition, though, in the shapely form of Ms. Nikki Benz.

– “Torontonians need someone who understands, who exudes transparency, someone whose positions are easily read by their actions.” – Nikki Benz

Heavily loaded with double entendre and emblazoned with the Brazzers logo, Benz’s first bout of campaigning for the office of Mayor of Toronto details what she considers the most important issues facing residents of Toronto today. Transit is of paramount importance, she says, with her fellow Torontonians deserving “a smooth and easy ride encouraging [them] to get on and off as pleased,” a ride outfitted with vibrating seats (for the ladies) and self-cleaning sex toys (for the gents) for an enjoyable commute. Unlike her incumbent opponent Ford, Benz fully supports Toronto’s Gay Pride parade, and sees it as a great way to let everyone know that her city is an open-minded one that promotes equality year-round. (The video then shows Benz sucking face with Kristen Price, driving her LGBT support home.) National Masturbation Day is another topic of concern for Benz, one which she wants to be the basis for a city-wide holiday to focus on self-pleasure. “Orgasms make for happy, healthy people, not like other vices,” she told her constituents, oh-so-thinly-veiling an insult to His (drug-addled) Worship Mr. Ford. Check out Benz’s campaign video in full:

With Brazzers clearly behind the allegedly authentic campaign, it’s a bit hard to take Benz’s run totally seriously. But, hey, if she’s made believers out of TMZ, who am I to question the validity of Ms. Benz’s efforts. Who knows, perhaps soon her fellow Torontonians will accept that a pornstar running on a corporate-sponsored platform of tolerance, progress, and pleasure might just be a better fit for the city’s highest office than a compulsively dishonest drug-addicted alcoholic prone to impossibly bad decisions on and off the clock… but probably not. She’ll certainly try hard to convince them, though: “Torontonians, don’t you worry. I’m coming home and Nikki is going to make everything feel so much better!”

Click here to see more Big Butts Like It Big!

Family Fit – Missy Pink’s Sex Advice

Missy Pink,

I have what might be a strange problem. My husband’s Dad recently moved in with us. We’re in the process of fixing up the basement into his separate apartment, but, until then, he’s sleeping on the sofa in our family room. The problem is this, he is obsessed with online porn and he uses my laptop to log on and then jack off while watching it. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve tried my best to disinfect the keyboard and casing because there are splatters of his cum all over it. I’m ready to throw him out of the house but my husband thinks it’s funny, saying things such as, “Men will be men!” Either he leaves or I do.

Having a Family Fit

Dear Friend;

I won’t be so callous as to say I know how you feel, because I don’t. Unless you’re an exhibitionist, or a partaker of group fornication, sex is usually a pretty private endeavor, especially when it comes in the form of masturbation, either solo or shared between partners, but, taking the risk of a family member walking in, well, that would be a difficult situation to say the least. Of course, putting a bit of a fetish spin on it means your father in law may feel a bit of heightened excitement by that very fact, the sneaking and possibility of getting caught is always a powerful aphrodisiac.

With that being said, allow me to play the devil’s advocate and voice an opinion from both sides of the situation. For whatever reasons, your husband’s Dad has left the privacy of his own home and is learning to adapt to sharing a dwelling with you and your family. So, out of respect for him, I have to say, I’m sure it’s not been an easy transaction from his point of view either. There’s going to be a learning curve, it just so happens that curve carries the act of masturbation and orgasms that aren’t cleaned up properly. His stress and despair may be lessened by sexual release in the form of jacking off once he thinks the family has turned in for the night, and, unless he takes the laptop to the bathroom, locking the door behind him, there’s probably not going to be 100% privacy.

I can certainly understand your despair over the situation, not to mention frustration with your husband, who has seemingly incorporated the, “That’s my boy!” type of pride in his Dad. For him, that’s an assurance of his own fate in years to come, if his Father still jerks off often, then he assumes his sex drive won’t decrease with age either. Of course that doesn’t alter the fact that he’s not being very understanding to your concern and anger.

Unless your relative is spending too much of his time enjoying self stimulation, to the point where it’s unhealthy, then, I would say approaching the topic with him may cause a family rift, and humiliation that may be irreversible. He may feel such embarrassment over knowing you are aware of his middle of the night cock cravings that sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner will hold a lot of tension in the air. Not to mention, even speaking of it with him could leave you red in the face and stammering. And by all means, don’t lash out when you’re angry, things can be said that won’t have a way to take back.

My honest advice to you would be, put a fire under getting that basement converted. Whoever is doing the construction work, tell them to put things into high gear so he has his privacy, it will be a win/win situation for both sides. Set up his own computer, make sure the wifi has him connected and then close your mind to what goes on downstairs while you’re upstairs. I realize cleaning up spattered sperm of your Father in Law is not something anyone would particularly want to do, so, expedite the living quarters.

Tell your husband if his Dad continues to cum, you’re going to go!