A Dildo for Every Shape and Size

Finding a good physical match between two people – a partnership where each others’ body seems to perfectly conform to the other and mutual pleasure abounds – can be a fucking nightmare. You find yourself charmed by an attractive young lady only to later realize she’s too short to kiss mid-coitus or find yourself unable to hold her weight for some standing sex. She, for her part, might find your erection underwhelming, oddly shaped, or too large. (The rest of your body might have other problems, too.) Now, with the advent of consumer-grade 3D printing technology, those after the perfect penile substitute can design one to suit their specific physical demands. Guys and (especially) gals, I give you Dildo Generator.

dildo generator

Offering customization of height, volume, diameter, color, angle, and flexibility, Dildo Generator offers the easily embarrassed and sexually frustrated a chance to create a dildo of their own specifications without wandering into a seedy XXX emporium and asking if they stock penis molds and how an unnamed “friend” might go about making a perfect replica of their genitalia. The designs can be printed at no cost if the designer has access to a 3D printer or they can be ordered from one of the many 3D printer-equipped Hackerspaces in Berlin. The full kit, which costs €69 (approx. $94 USD), includes your custom-created mold and a silicone dildo of the finished phallus, though a mold-only option is available for €49 ($67 USD).

The programmer responsible for Dildo Generator, Berlin-based Ikaros Kappler, told Vice’s Motherboard of his desire to offer something a bit more risque than “small figurines to put on your windowsill,” saying the idea came to him while he was drinking beer and relaxing with some buddies. (Of course.) Kappler’s creation makes him one of the first to offer a truly customizable sex toy manufacturing engine, a step up from existing 3D-printed sex toy producers making more generic or esoteric products.

Mr. Pink's dildo

Personally, I couldn’t help but use Dildo Generator to create a little something in my own image. You know… something big, pink, and upstanding. Feel free to download the mold (available here in stl format) and, if you have access to a 3D printer, produce your very own semi-official Mr. Pink’s dildo. Just don’t send me details on its use unless you’re a) of legal age, b) female, c) a selfie-taker, and d) willing to see your masturbation reports in print on a future Mr. Pink’s blog. Deal?

Bing the Porn Search King!

Google. Google. Google. That’s all you fucking hear these days. You ask some local buddy with decent taste if they can recommend a restaurant and they grab their phone, start typing, then regurgitate some shit spat out by the net’s most beloved search engine without even checking to see if it’s worthwhile. Pretty much the only time most Internet users believe Google to be anything other than a lifeline connecting them to the very fabric of the modern world is when it comes to porn. Look up some porn on Google and let me know if you find anything worthwhile. Yes, I’ll wait.

search comparison

“Sunny Lane blowjob pov” typed into Google and Bing’s respective search fields (with SafeSearch turned completely off) saw results that are definitely not as similar as one might assume. Google returned results in a text-only mess of links to illegal tube sites with brief low quality videos. Bing, on the other hand, included a few such tube sites but also returned in second position a direct link to Sunny’s official website, home to high-quality photos and HD videos. The most pleasing element of Bing’s returned search results, though, is the use of images. Links to video streams, official previews and trailers, and online galleries are offered in thumbnail form. These small pics are pixilated for censorship reasons, yes, but once SafeSearch is disabled, you’re led to a tantalizing menu of Sunny’s best work. Google, on the other hand, returned its results as text links and, when Google Images and Google Video results were selected, we found not the useful graphic links to actual content provided by Bing, but image links leading to pop-ups, advertising barrages, and dead pages. Hardly the stellar work we’ve come to expect from the world’s leading search engine. But then, back in 2012 Google altered its search algorithms to filter out explicit content the company claims might not be the intended result of the search. (Searching “boobs” gets you clothed breasts; more specifically, “hot sexy naked boobs tits fuck” gets you nudity.) Search for simplified sexual terms at Bing, however, and your results are much easier on the eye. See?

search for boobs

And, if this gif by Redditor is on the right track, Bing might also be a workplace built on communal expressions of sexual pleasure, which would make their fondness for – or at least acceptance of – pornographic material that much more of a relief. It’s conjecture that suggests Bing’s employees are, after all, just wankers like us.

bing workplace

The More the Merrier – Missy Pink’s Sex Advice

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comMissy Pink,

My wife and I have been married for 7 yrs. Our sex life is good, our marriage is good. We’re both in our mid 30’s and are pretty open when sharing what excites us in bed, but, for the last few months I’ve been fantasizing about gang banging, with her being the only woman. I haven’t mentioned it to her, only because I’m afraid of what her reaction to that might be. We share kinky things, but this might be over the top. Have I become too perverted?

The More the Merrier

Dear Friend;

Have you become perverted? “No.” Are you human? “Yes.” I think the key word you mentioned in your question to me was, “fantasizing.” There’s a big difference between what flows through your mind for excitement and what is actually reality.

Sex is like everything else that consumes our lives, we’re always looking that bit of something extra to put it over the top. For instance, something as mundane as cooking dinner, a recipe that’s been made maybe dozens of times, we find ourselves adding a new ingredient, just to spice it up a bit, add a little difference so you don’t take a bite thinking, “Damn, this is a repeat of the exact same thing we had two weeks ago.”

When we first discover sex during puberty, the only thing needed to achieve an orgasm is a secluded place where our parents won’t find us, while we look through the underwear section of a catalog. But, as we get older, what was once new, becomes old and it takes a bit more to really put the razzle into our dirty dazzle. Sometimes, when masturbating, the thought of a woman you passed on the street might be enough to manifest a scenario in your mind that will have you oozing sperm over your helping hand…but, then there may be a time when you suddenly have to incorporate that same lovely woman into something like a BDSM scene, where she’s shackled to an old dungeon type brick wall, totally naked, with clothespins on her labia and someone torturing her with a vibrator set on high speed. The mind is truly a magnificent organ.

If you truly have no intentions of wanting to slip into the role of being either a participant or maybe even a cuckold husband, and it’s merely fetish thoughts to put you over the edge, then there’s no cause to keep it a sexual secret. Tell your wife first and foremost that it’s only a role play type of bedroom aphrodisiac, and who knows, she may entertain the thought and add her own spin to things, talking dirty in your ear while you assume a missionary position, telling you of all the shafts she’s servicing while you watch and jack off.

Variety is the spice of life and fantasy can be the spice for sex. With a mutual understanding and an open mind, there are no limits to lust.