It can happen at the most unexpected moments. You’re watching some news broadcast of dubious credibility or catching up on crappy British reality television and – boom – Jenna Jameson appears out of nowhere, having been well and truly off your pop-culture radar for months, even years, to bless yet another curious celebrity enterprise with her sparkling wit and impressive array of cosmetic modifications. Immediately the mind races through its memories of the woman who just might be the most famous pornstar of all time and tries to recount the steps that led to her latest public appearance. And, when she once agains hits US headlines after being booted from the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother show, looking remarkably different from the Jenna we knew in her prime porno years. So, Jenna Jameson, what the fuck have you been up to?
Since 2012 has split with former UFC champ Tito Ortiz, losing custody of their twin boys, told Larry King she’s “always been extremely Catholic,” flip-flopped from Clinton to support Mitt Romney in the 2012 Presidential election (“When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office,”), acted as PETA spokesperson in an anti-KFC campaign, and allegedly assaulted former assistant Britney Markham with a brass-knuckle-iPhone-case-stomach-punch at an LA salon after Markham claimed Jameson was hooked not on the rumored Oxycodone but on Ambien, Xanax, Suboxone, and booze. Jenna has also had a few run-ins with the law, charged with three misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence of alcohol and other drugs after being arrested in Westminster California upon introducing her Range Rover to a light pole. Stuck with three years of informal probation, Jenna seemed to lay relatively low for a world renowned porn superstar. That was until she once again made headlines, this time for her relationship to 41-year-old Israeli-American jewelry store owner and convicted insurance fraudster Lior Bitton, who even has the good little Catholic girl converting to Judaism!
It’s the Brits, though, who’ve had the juiciest dose of Jenna of late, courtesy of Celebrity Big Brother’s sixteenth season. With a rather porn-heavy cast crowned by Ms. Jameson, the long-running 24/7 reality-fest saw her bunk and bond with fellow former onscreen fucker Farrah Abraham (#TeamJarrah #CBBUK) before JJ was booted on Day 27, mere hours before making the finals. Always controversial, Jenna had her fair share of haters in the crowd, receiving an equal number of cheers and boos from fans the broadcast of her departure. See for yourself here, but I warn you, it’s not exactly pretty…
What’s next for Jenna now that she’s back on US shores and pining for her gal pal Farrah? Why she’s fielding endorsement offers and Instagramming a shitload of memes, just like everyone else!
Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee dabbled in porn and so did Snoop Dogg, Ice-T, and Evan Seinfeld of hardcore legends Biohazard. Hell, Seinfeld even adopted the nom de porn ‘Spyder Jonez’ after marrying Tera Patrick and shooting a whole bunch of smut together. Recently putting Seinfeld’s nepotistic endeavors to shame, though, has been former Saigon Kick drummer Phil Varone, who just days ago announced his decision to ditch porn for the pure unadulterated carnal thrust of rock and roll!
A noted lothario and admitted swinger, Varone started documenting his on-the-road exploits in an official capacity with the 2011 Vivid Video release of ‘Phil Varone’s Secret Sex Stash,’ a “celebrity sex tape” that merely set the scene for Varone’s futher ventures into the world of porn production. In 2014 Varone even managed to win an AVN Award, Best Amateur Release for ‘100% Real Swingers: Meet the Rileys,’ just one title in a series that saw him expose the seedy partner-sharing underbelly of America as well as the secret swinging lifestyle of then porno it-girl Siri. Varone also entered the erotic novelties game with Dr. Philgood, a dildo molded from his own penis by Cal Exotics that even bares the penile piercing the drummer has slid into the snatches of groupies, swingers, amateur harlots, and pornstars like Siri but will now keep off-screen.
Varone’s keeping his exact reasons for leaving porn to himself, simply telling fans that he encountered enough douchebaggery in the industry to convince him drumming for hard rock bands is more his thing. Varone’s also retiring his talent agency, The V Agency, telling media “I have always offered my talent a very high level of personalized service, but returning to music and my other projects going on have made this very hard.” (Check out Phil’s Facebook page for more, dirtier revelations or, if you’re patient, you can order the man’s memoir, Un-Philtered or wait for his next, apparently being worked on as we speak.
Look, Phil, no hard feelings but if you’re out of porn I’ll also have to move on and find another stereotypical hard rocker through which to vicariously live my dreams of banging groupies, doing coke off of brand-new shiny hi-hats, and trying some grannies on for size (although that last part might’ve been a Phil Varone specialty).
So, paging Mr. Joshua Todd of Buckcherry…. Josh Todd of Buckcherry, would you please make some porno?
Prominent interracial hardcore network network and purveyors of aggressive racially-charged blowbangs, cuckold scenes, and epic “takedowns” of white girls by black guys, black girls by white guys, and black and white girls by each other, the impossibly stupidly named Dogfart Network might still be shaking off its poor choice of handle, but it has a very special ace up its sleeve, an ace that had seemingly gone the way of the dodo and Ford Edsel: absurdist interracial political parody!
Targeting noted resort and casino magnate, reality television star, anti-immigration campaigner, and current candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America, one Mr. Donald J. Trump for its latest politically-themed parody, Megyn gets Trumped. Shot for Blacks on Blondes and made live August 18th, twelve days after the first Republican debate took place in Cleveland and ignited a feud between candidate Trump and moderator and Fox News pundit (and conservative babe) Megyn Kelly after Kelly asked Trump about previously made statements disparaging women’s appearances. After a stern back-and-forth that not only increased Trump’s profile and popularity, but the outrage directed at him by many left-leaners and women, the battle was well and truly established, with both parties taking to social media to vent their frustrations. Where many would’ve crumbled, Kelly stood her ground, reportedly saying “It’s okay, I’m a big girl, I can take it.” And take it she did.
Dogfart’s epic Megyn Gets Trumped not only see James Bartholet playing the real-estate tycoon but the remarkable Cherie DeVille in the role of Ms. Kelly. Always straight to the point, “The Donald” brings in two hung-as-fuck black bulls to prove to his new (and very foxy) nemesis that, as he implied during the debate, women are best on their knees. Avoiding another verbal assault from Kelly, this time in the green room, The Donald stands back and watches as Kelly loses control and opens herself up for a slamming more aggressive than any thrown her way by Trump-supporters post-debate. Although I’m glad Dogfart is getting in early with the first notable parody of the 2016 presidential election campaign season, but I can’t help but anticipate the next phase of parodies. Will Barack leave Hillary a stiff, black, vibrating replica of himself in the Oval Office? Will Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders invite rumored running mate Elizabeth Warren over for a chat, provide her with free contraception, assure her of pay equal to an equivalent man, then ask her to prove her dedication to achieving racial harmony by draining the balls of fifteen or twenty black guys? Dear Gods of Dogfart, please hear my prayer!