The State of Jenna Jameson 2015

It can happen at the most unexpected moments. You’re watching some news broadcast of dubious credibility or catching up on crappy British reality television and – boom – Jenna Jameson appears out of nowhere, having been well and truly off your pop-culture radar for months, even years, to bless yet another curious celebrity enterprise with her sparkling wit and impressive array of cosmetic modifications. Immediately the mind races through its memories of the woman who just might be the most famous pornstar of all time and tries to recount the steps that led to her latest public appearance. And, when she once agains hits US headlines after being booted from the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother show, looking remarkably different from the Jenna we knew in her prime porno years. So, Jenna Jameson, what the fuck have you been up to?

Jenna Jameson

Since 2012 has split with former UFC champ Tito Ortiz, losing custody of their twin boys, told Larry King she’s “always been extremely Catholic,” flip-flopped from Clinton to support Mitt Romney in the 2012 Presidential election (“When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office,”), acted as PETA spokesperson in an anti-KFC campaign, and allegedly assaulted former assistant Britney Markham with a brass-knuckle-iPhone-case-stomach-punch at an LA salon after Markham claimed Jameson was hooked not on the rumored Oxycodone but on Ambien, Xanax, Suboxone, and booze. Jenna has also had a few run-ins with the law, charged with three misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence of alcohol and other drugs after being arrested in Westminster California upon introducing her Range Rover to a light pole. Stuck with three years of informal probation, Jenna seemed to lay relatively low for a world renowned porn superstar. That was until she once again made headlines, this time for her relationship to 41-year-old Israeli-American jewelry store owner and convicted insurance fraudster Lior Bitton, who even has the good little Catholic girl converting to Judaism!

It’s the Brits, though, who’ve had the juiciest dose of Jenna of late, courtesy of Celebrity Big Brother’s sixteenth season. With a rather porn-heavy cast crowned by Ms. Jameson, the long-running 24/7 reality-fest saw her bunk and bond with fellow former onscreen fucker Farrah Abraham (#TeamJarrah #CBBUK) before JJ was booted on Day 27, mere hours before making the finals. Always controversial, Jenna had her fair share of haters in the crowd, receiving an equal number of cheers and boos from fans the broadcast of her departure. See for yourself here, but I warn you, it’s not exactly pretty…

What’s next for Jenna now that she’s back on US shores and pining for her gal pal Farrah? Why she’s fielding endorsement offers and Instagramming a shitload of memes, just like everyone else!

 

A photo posted by Jenna Jameson (@jennacantlose) on

Jarrah! ❤️#Loyalty #integrity #businesswoman #womanpower #winners #cbb #jennajameson #cbbuk @farrah__abraham

A photo posted by Jenna Jameson (@jennacantlose) on

Phil Varone Returns to Rock

Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee dabbled in porn and so did Snoop Dogg, Ice-T, and Evan Seinfeld of hardcore legends Biohazard. Hell, Seinfeld even adopted the nom de porn ‘Spyder Jonez’ after marrying Tera Patrick and shooting a whole bunch of smut together. Recently putting Seinfeld’s nepotistic endeavors to shame, though, has been former Saigon Kick drummer Phil Varone, who just days ago announced his decision to ditch porn for the pure unadulterated carnal thrust of rock and roll!

Phil Varone Twitter

A noted lothario and admitted swinger, Varone started documenting his on-the-road exploits in an official capacity with the 2011 Vivid Video release of ‘Phil Varone’s Secret Sex Stash,’ a “celebrity sex tape” that merely set the scene for Varone’s futher ventures into the world of porn production. In 2014 Varone even managed to win an AVN Award, Best Amateur Release for ‘100% Real Swingers: Meet the Rileys,’ just one title in a series that saw him expose the seedy partner-sharing underbelly of America as well as the secret swinging lifestyle of then porno it-girl Siri. Varone also entered the erotic novelties game with Dr. Philgood, a dildo molded from his own penis by Cal Exotics that even bares the penile piercing the drummer has slid into the snatches of groupies, swingers, amateur harlots, and pornstars like Siri but will now keep off-screen.

Varone’s keeping his exact reasons for leaving porn to himself, simply telling fans that he encountered enough douchebaggery in the industry to convince him drumming for hard rock bands is more his thing. Varone’s also retiring his talent agency, The V Agency, telling media “I have always offered my talent a very high level of personalized service, but returning to music and my other projects going on have made this very hard.” (Check out Phil’s Facebook page for more, dirtier revelations or, if you’re patient, you can order the man’s memoir, Un-Philtered or wait for his next, apparently being worked on as we speak.

Look, Phil, no hard feelings but if you’re out of porn I’ll also have to move on and find another stereotypical hard rocker through which to vicariously live my dreams of banging groupies, doing coke off of brand-new shiny hi-hats, and trying some grannies on for size (although that last part might’ve been a Phil Varone specialty).

So, paging Mr. Joshua Todd of Buckcherry…. Josh Todd of Buckcherry, would you please make some porno?

Joanna & BA Enter the MMA Parody Fray

ronda arouseme

Burning Angel’s head honcho, Joanna Angel, is known not only for her hardcore performances and heavily modified physique, but also for her deft handling of pop-culture properties many other pornographers would simply dismiss as too unsexy or unfilmable to bother trying to turn into a sexy onscreen romp. After tackling the Grinch, The Addams Family, The Jason Ellis Show, The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Z-grade alien movies, and Evil Dead, it’s clear Ms. Angel and co. can turn any subject into hilarious and incredibly sexy alt.porn. It was only a matter of time, then, before the infamous director lent her hand to one of America’s favorite (and most brutal) pastimes: mixed martial arts or MMA, specifically the remarkable achievements of undefeated UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion of the world, ‘Rowdy’ Ronda Rousey.

Casting fan-favorite mainstream crossover sensation Kleio Valentien as the 28-year-old Olympic medal winner and current world number one, Angel found a fighting fit champ all her own who could easily square up against any other woman in the business. For the flick she’s calling Ronda ArouseMe, Angel also cast Arabelle Raphael, Derrick Pierce, Moe “The Monster” Johnson, and Sammie Sixx in the crucial role of Rousey’s early rival “Miesha Taint” (as in Tate). And word, it seems, has been getting around. Not only has Angel’s upcoming parody been previewed in mainstream press publications NY Daily News, Toronto Sun, Complex, AskMen, and Daily Dot, but Ms. Angel was interviewed personally by TMZ Sports about the production’s origins and the fight-inspired moves learned by the cast in training.

Later speaking to AVN, Angel said she was overwhelmed by the attention. “It’s been so exciting. I think all of Ronda’s fans—and all of Kleio’s fans—will love this movie. I’m trying to get it edited as soon as possible so everyone can see it. It will premiere on BurningAngel.com in the near future.” Hey, Joanna, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving your recent Burning Angel efforts (Making the Band and Uber Mistake especially), but this next super-graphic, boundary-pushing porno epic really can’t come soon enough – and I’m not even a fight fan!

Until Ronda ArouseMe sees release via Burning Angel, you’ll find teases and previews all over Joanna and Kleio’s Twitter and Instagram feeds, which is where I found this image, just a little something to send every sport-bra-lover into a state of drooling incoherence. Have fun!

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