When Washington gets too tough for a pretty blonde who most recently spent time working as an intern for a major political figure, where does she turn? For Sammie Spades, porn was a-callin’. Leaving her post as an intern, Sammie headed to Porn Valley, USA to become a star of the scantily-clad screen. The story of an aide to one of the nation’s highest-ranking public officials leaving politics to suck dick on camera hit TMZ and the world paid attention, for all of fifteen minutes anyway. While Sammie Spades sucks and fucks her way to what I’m sure she hopes is a long and lucrative career in porn, a huge change from a career in Washington, porn already has its resident politically-aspiring cocksucker in Mary Carey.
After campaigning for the seat of Governor of California in 2003’s recall election, and then again in 2005 for Lieutenant Governor, the buxom blonde known professionally as Mary Carey made it clear that her aspirations went far beyond finally working some double-penetration into her performances. Sadly pulling out of the 2005 race to care for her injured mother, Carey has been quiet on the political front ever since. With another presidential election just around the corner, though, perhaps it’s time we were given a candidate we’d all want to get behind.
Dash Direct, a prominent UK-based designer and manufacturer of women’s lingerie has unveiled the results of extensive research conducted in an effort to figure out, once and for all, exactly what the perfect British celebrity babe looks like. Not content with merely listing the leading contenders, Dash Direct decided to mimic the efforts of Shelley’s Dr. Frankenstein and combine the most attractive parts of some of the UK’s top female celebs into three absolutely “perfect” women they dubbed Chelily Brooxon, Lorrea Gallian, and Kathlette Zeta Bux. “What the hell kinds of names are they?” you ask. Well, Chelily is a combination of Kelly Brook’s breasts, Alesha Dixon’s legs, and the derrierre of Rachel Stevens, while the other two fictional beauties are further amalgamations of women only our UK readers might have heard of.
But what, dear readers, of the American equivalent? What if Hollywood decided, kinda like in that 2002 movie S1m0ne, to create a celebrity out of the most attractive body parts of our favorite stars? While your results and mine might differ – is there anyway we can work Fran Lebowitz’s wit and Jenny McCarthy’s dedication to stamping out autism in there? – it’d be great to have an All-American equivalent to these largely British creations.
Whose ass, legs, breasts, torso, face, features, and hair would you combine to create the ultimate celebrity babe?