Entertainment | Mr. Pink's Blog

Earth’s Horniest Heroes

Unless you’ve been living under a drunken haze these past few months, you’re surely aware that a little comicbook movie about a team of mighty heroes in tight costumes called The Avengers just opened to record box office takings with $207.4 million opening weekend. There are, however, some long time members of the Merry Marvel Marching Society who haven’t yet shelled out the $9 dollars for a ticket (plus a $2 service charge and and another $3 for 3D glasses) to see their comic heroes on the big (really fucking big) screen. Rising ticket prices isn’t the only reason for avoiding the biggest blockbuster of the summer, though; there’s also resentment.

I, a long time fan of the Avengers comics – the Harris/Epting/Palmer run in the early ’90s, especially – resent the exclusion of the most attractive of the female team members: Ms. Marvel, The Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter, and, yes, even She-Hulk. With only ScarJo as feminine eye-candy, it stands to reason there’s demand enough from the male heterosexual portion of The Avengers’ audience to demand this travesty be rectified. It’s too late for Marvel, though. Axel Braun beat them to it.

Axel Braun is the undisputed king of the contemporary porn parody and the man responsible for such hardcore takes on comicbook legends as Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman, all in movies suffixed XXX: A Porn Parody, so it’s no shock he took on Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and it’s no surprise he decided to include such wearers of skimpy form-fitting costumes as those women listed above. If you’ve seen his work you’d know that Axel Braun is many things, but he ain’t no damn dummy.

Check out the trailer for The Avengers: A XXX Porn Parody then report back here immediately, solider. That’s an order! (Don’t worry, it’s SFW.)

Now, just tell me Lex Steele doesn’t give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money as Nick Fury, and tell me Xander Corvus doesn’t bring the appropriate self-obsessed teen angst Spider-Man requires, and tell me you wouldn’t risk being crippled by the aggressive sexual potency of Spider-Woman’s (Jenna Presley) pheromone-aided seductive techniques. And that’s the Jessica Drew Spider-Woman, not one of the other, lesser versions. And Braun’s got Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) in there, Brooklyn Lee squeezed into an ever tighter, shinier catsuit than ScarJo’s Black Widow, and fucking Chyna plays The Sensational She-Hulk – is that perfect casting or what? Really the only casting decision that seems a touch off is that of Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel; she’s great and all, but kinda slight for one of the most powerful human women in the Marvel Universe. How does the marvelous Ms. Swallow fare in her sex scenes with Spidey and Scarlet Witch? Vivid has every planet-threatening, kitten-saving, costume-shredding, face-blasting second of the most adventurous porn parody Braun has produced thus far, The Avengers XXX.

Hungry for Fifty Shades of Grey

Erotic fiction has long been the butt of jokes and insults slung by the literati and pornographers, both. So imagine author E.L. James’ surprise when her erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey raced up the bestseller list. The author, known to her husband of 20 years as Erika Leonard, claims to have had no inkling that what started as a BDSM-infused piece of Twilight fanfiction would soon become so popular she’d decide to change the names Bella Swan and Edward Cullen to Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, move into print-on-demand publishing, and be courting offers from Hollywood bigwigs intent on making the Fifty Shades trilogy, which also includes Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, the biggest thing since Twilight and The Hunger Games blew away box office records.

Describing herself as a shy mother of two who started writing what would evolve into the Fifty Shades Trilogy during something of a midlife crisis, James has apparently done what nobody expected would ever happen: she brought BDSM fiction into the mainstream. Telling the story of a recent college graduate (Steele) and her evolving relationship with a billionaire Seattle industrialist (Grey), Fifty Shades has some feminists all in a tizzy over its apparent willingness to place a naive, “innocent” of “independent spirit” (according to the author’s site) in the stranglehold of a domineering, manipulative, and downright abusive alpha male figure. Others apparently couldn’t care less about the sexual politics of the tale and are just along for the allegedly quite thrilling ride, a ride that involves repeated BDSM sessions in Grey’s “Red Room of Pain.” Twilight fans will surely notice some lasting similarities between the gazillion-selling vampire series, right down to the physical damage the male characters “love” inflicts on his victim… sorry, his “partner”. Whether or not Fifty Shades will attract the same degree of controversy as the novels on which it was originally based remains to be seen. So too does the question of whether the novels will turn a new audience into rabid erotic fiction devotees and bring them closer to the erotic artistry with which so many pornographers make their living. After all, it’s all sex (or something similar), isn’t it?

When the trilogy reaches your local cineplex, possibly starring Alexander Skarsgard or Ian Somerhalder who’ve both expressed interest in playing Grey, will you be standing in line waiting to see how the Red Room of Pain translates to the big screen?

Idols Romp in Playboy Mansion

While you sit at home lazing on the sofa dreaming about nabbing a chance to not just step foot inside the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner’s den of deliciously deviant behavior and some of the wildest parties Hollywood has ever known, American Idol’s nine surviving contestants are set to take up residence in, well, not the Playboy Mansion, but a a mansion nonetheless formerly occupied by the cast of Playboy TV’s recent reality fuckfest, “Swing.” Telling TMZ reporters about their relentless sexual adventures while they stayed at the lush ten bedroom Hollywood residence, swingers and former castmates, Michael and Holli also offered some advice to the new Idol occupants: watch where you sit.

“Swing” thrust real couples eager to experiment with open relationships into accommodations built for hooking up with anybody and everybody in sight. As a result, few places were off-limits when it came to satisfying ones desire. Michael and Holli detailed their activities and said no room or surface was off-limits when the swingers started swinging. In showers and elevators, outside, and on every floor and countertop in the residence, you could watch loving men and women share each other with other previously monogamous couples in fairly explicit detail on the Playboy TV show. Idols be warned: Hollywood ain’t the healthiest of towns and you just never know what’ll be stick to the back our your Blackberry should you set it down on a kitchen counter between tweets. And before you go grabbing that guitar and sitting on the music room floor for an impromptu Kumbaya singalong, you might want to check the carpet for stains; it turns out the room where the Idols will practice their warbling was once a mattress-filled pounding palace dubbed by the “The Boom Boom Room” Swing cast. Tasteful.

Blow Me Up Again, Tom

Any heterosexual male living in Southern California is surely aware of Tom Leykis, the talk radio shock-jock who owned the airwaves of the Los Angeles basin for many, many years before his former employer, KLSX on 97.1 FM, decided to change formats and launch an obnoxiously persistent stream of the latest pop disasterpieces. Taking some well earned downtime (and how) in between gigs, Tom Leykis, also known to his students, “sons”, and devoted listeners as “The Professor” or simply “Dad”, has been quietly but confidently building his own self-governed media empire.

The New Normal is the moniker given by Leykis to his new studio, broadcast catalog, and radio brand, and while Leykis hasn’t ever really been known for holding “normal” stances on most subjects, instead letting his libertarian philosophies pound truth somewhat forcibly into the minds of his mostly male audience. Most exciting is Monday’s upcoming official launch of The New Normal’s flagship show. Unsurprisingly presented by The Professor of Poon himself, the master debater so sorely missed on the bullshit-clogged airwaves, The Tom Leykis Show aims to bring back all the things that made Leykis’ former FM broadcasts some of the most controversial in the States.

Taking advantage of the social networking revolution, Leykis and his crew have been blowing up Facebook, Twitter, and their official website of late, posting promos, test broadcasts, and offering subscriptions to The Tom Leykis Show’s inaugural year at The New Normal. ($9.99 gets you one month of archived shows; $99.99 buys a year.) Anyone with an Internet connection, however, can head to Leykis’ homepage, Blow Me Up Tom, and tune in every afternoon at 3.00pm PST for a daily dose of Leykis 101 (Tom’s guide to getting laid cheaply, efficiently, and without the possibility of complications), Ask the Athiest (Tom speaking against the idiocy and ignorance of the religious), Flash Friday (flash your headlights at hot women in traffic and maybe they’ll flash back), and a slew of highly anticipated new features that will no doubt create as much controversy for Leykis as his old antics did, if not more. This is, after all, Tom’s show and now that he, not some faceless corporate entity, holds the reins, we can expect things to be even more brutally honest, borderline misogynist, and (to femi-nazis) violently repulsive than before. The New Normal will have Tom refusing to pull punches and dishing up the real story behind everything that happened in his absence from the airwaves, and on into the future.

And hey, old fans who just want their Professor back to guide them through the muddy swamp that is manhood, fans who just want to be “taken out old school” can rejoice in the wisdom of their surrogate father, leader, teacher, master, Tom motherfucking Leykis!