Great Moments in Amateur Sex Toy Design

The launch of the 2015 installment of Lovehoney’s Design a Sex Toy Contest isn’t only cause for celebration if you’re a wannabe product designer with an erotically inclined mind, it’s also worth investigating if you’re a fan of the myriad absurd and ridiculous concoctions people dream up to help them and their fellow humans with alleviating sexual frustration. BuzzFeed knows this all too well, having collected an array of the weirdest and most curious submissions from years gone by. Here, we examine a few of the standout submissions that, creative or not, have such limited potential it’s a wonder they got as far as a concept drawing.

The Biter, a triple threat providing a penile sheath for male masturbation, a vibrating phallus for female masturbation, and a pair of chomping teeth (to simulate biting, duh) to put the fear of good dentistry into every male user and confuse the fuck out of females.

the biter

Ever wanted to prove your anal agility at a very liberal party by plugging your ass and opening everyone’s beers for them? If only this ingenious device had made it to production, you could!

bottle opener

The Camel seems intent on giving women an enjoyably bumpy ride thanks to its (apparent) G-spot stimulating head, clit-attending hump, and beaded ass-filling tail. If only its creator was truly inspired, the Camel could’ve been a spitting llama – everyone’d buy that!

the camel

This one’s a pussycat. I don’t know what it does. Meow sexily at you? Is that what the lower compartment is for, the meowing mechanism?

pussycat

Think you can do better than these crafty little sex toy designs? Lovehoney wants to know about it. Submit your creations to the 2015 Design a Sex Toy Contest and you could win up to £150,000 in prizes and royalties!

Cleaning Up is Hard to Do

All guys have experienced that frantic search for a tissue, old sock, new sock, or fraying rag upon reaching the climax of a masturbatory jaunt. Not always fun, is it? You grab a communal tissue box – hey, nobody was home! – but get paranoid someone can feel the encrusted pre-cum adorning the cardboard side. Or you find the closest cloth object, wipe up, then realize you’ve probably stained your favorite vintage Heart concert shirt with a million-or-so little swimmers. What to do? What to do? Digital Playground, home of the DP contract stars and many incredible audio-visual masturbation aids, has the solution.

dick bib

Dubbed the “DickBib” and riding the Internet-aided trend of “tributing” (ejaculating on) images of desirable women, Digital Playground has launched an IndieGoGo campaign to raise funds for its latest novelty, a clean-up cloth baring the visage of the studio’s current It Girl, Eva Lovia. Designed to hang below your junk “in anticipation of your spunk,” the DickBib is made from a “special polyester” that’s both reusable and washable, allegedly saving you copious funds otherwise spent on tissues and new socks. The DickBib wearer simply fastens above the penis and lets the lovely Ms. Lovia’s face dangle behind and below their balls in wait.

52400Is this product, which DP has for pre-sale for $20-a-pop with perks for larger contributions, the stupidest sexual aid to come along since the ScreamingO SnorkelO or a sensible and environmentally friendly way to clean up your spooge? More importantly though, what are you going to tell your visiting, doting mother when she finds the semen-encrusted face of a pornstar staring back at her from your month-old laundry basket and how do you address the “bib” portion of the name without feeling like you should be having baby food wiped from your chin by a babysitter?

Bonnie Rotten: EXPOSED

bonnie rotten

You’d think everyone would be used to seeing a woman’s breasts by now. With rampant displays of cleavage and total toplessness at an all time high according to the National Department of Boobolgical Statistics, and with public disgust at such displays at an all time low, you wouldn’t expect a topless woman in the most sinful, decadent, and indulgent city in the country to turn heads, let alone lead thousands of men to the kind of slack-jawed gawking not seen since the days when Janet Jackson’s infamous hand-bra album cover graced billboards and distracted male drivers the nation over. Yet, here we have intrepid exhibitor of naked flesh, Ms. Bonnie Rotten, swanning around Manhattan and just, like, fucking blowing everyone away with her tits, or something.

bonnie rotten topless in ny

Telling a TMZ cameraman she doesn’t “give a fuck” about being seen naked (No shit?), Rotten traipses through Central Park and cites demonstration of a New York law that allows toplessness as her motivation. The looks of outrage and repulsion as Rotten bounds (and bounces) around TMZ crew members and the occasional actual New Yorker are mind boggling. In this day and age, a woman’s breasts causing grown men to skip girlishly down a path, calmly give directions when asked, and even smile politely when confronted with the, uh, confronting image of the AVN winner’s spider-web breast tattoos – it’s just about unheard of, an almost complete non-reaction and clearly not the one Rotten or TMZ were looking for.

bonnie rotten topless in ny subway

Before boarding a subway train and garnering even less attention for her hardly shocking behavior, Rotten tells the camera she’s starting to feel a little nervous. “I’ve heard they have crabs on the train,” she explains. I mean, fuck, folks – the jokes write themselves with this one! “They’re very real,” she tells a table of men in Times Square ogling her famous, award-wining, million-Google-Image-Search-hit-returning mammaries, basically refuting the claims made by an investigative YouTube journalist in late 2013, as seen here:

Well, TMZ and their controversial pornstar du jour have certainly shown us that… what, women can go topless in New York without garnering much attention from Johnny Law, The Man, or ultra-conservative eunuchs. Cool. It’s a pity Scott Weiner ruined San Francisco for nudists or perhaps Bonnie Rotten would have shot a stroll down Market Street naked from head-to-toe.