Gettin’ Sexy at the Spa

Pornstar Spa at Bang BrosMassage porn has been blowing up the cyberwaves of late and it seems like any adult network worth its bandwidth is hastily cobbling together some kind of massage-related hardcore site to keep up with customer demands. Reality Kings has Happy Tugs, an Asian themed massage site; Porn Pros has Massage Creep; Brazzers hosts Dirty Masseur; WTF Pass has HD Massage Porn; and Teen Mega World has Tricky Masseur. Merely scraping the surface and keeping ourselves limited to networks only, no standalone sites, we’ve already gathered all the evidence needed to confirm that massage porn is set to follow parodies just as ska and so-cal punk followed grunge and alterna-rock. The best massage porn site of all, however, is the one with the strongest roster of models laying down and letting some lucky and manually dexterous “masseuse” run his filthy mitts all over their incredible bodies. That site, dear readers, is Pornstar Spa.

Under the watchful eye of the infamous Bang Bros, Pornstar Spa has grown from a seedling of an idea of a concept to one of the most thrilling sites on the entire Bang Bros network – and, man, is that saying something! The latest addition to the Pornstar Spa roster, which already includes more than two dozen incredible pornstar babes, is French/Vietnamese legend of the adult entertainment industry, frequent sparring partner of Manuel Ferrara and Rocco Siffredi, and multiple AVN Award winner, Katsuni. One quick gander at the previews of Katsuni’s Pornstar Spa scene and you’ll see why this site is so damn hard to turn away from: her luscious physique is captured in evocative low camera angles, making it feel like she’s right there in front of you. Lathered with oils and laying on a physiotherapy table, Katsuni’s body has rarely looked better than it does here, and that’s even before anything profoundly sexual occurs. You can imagine how thrilling it gets once she realizes this handyman is here to take care not just of her muscular tension, but her sexual tension, too.

So, you’re not a Katsuni fan? As difficult as that is for this writer to comprehend, we must respect all tastes. Just try and avoid finding an incredibly well-built babe who you wouldn’t turn to murder just to get your hands on for a few measly seconds within this list of Pornstar Spa performers: Vicki Chase, Lisa Ann, Amy Reid, Brynn Tyler, Diamond Kitty, Capri Cavalli, Jennifer Dark, Nicole Aniston, Phoenix Marie, Rachel Starr, Madison Ivy, Kelly Divine, Samantha Saint, Nikki Sexx, Mason Moore, Sophie Dee, Lylith Lavey, Katie Kox, Francesca Le, Vanilla DeVille, Abbey Brooks, Venice, Jayden Jaymes, Richelle Ryan, Sienna West, Tiffany D. Gore, and the incomparable (even after such a disappointing boob-job) Rebeca Linares.

Well, readers, did you ever see a more stellar lineup of physiques in one place in the history of adult entertainment? Yeah, thought not.

Flirts in Skirts

Skirts Up GirlsBack when I was attending Catholic school – yes, that unidentifiable guilt is still with me – my female fellow students were held to a dress code rule that didn’t directly impact us boys: skirt/dress length. The unnecessarily sadistic method teachers had of testing the length of a girl’s skirt or dress was to instruct them to kneel on the floor or, if during recess, on the cold, hard asphalt. If the hem of the garment touched the ground, the girl was fine, if not, detention. (Now there’s a killer idea for a pornsite!) The idea behind this rule being that any girl who wore a skirt short enough to allow anyone, be it teacher, student, school caretaker, secretary, or a boy from a visiting school, visual access to her upper thighs was a “bad girl” who wasn’t welcome in such a fine, upstanding educational institution. Fuck that, am I right? Wear ’em short, ladies! Give us a peek at anything you want to show off. Believe me, we’re eternally grateful for any additional inch of skin. Why do you think we follow you around shopping malls? Stair and escalators, ladies. Stairs and escalators.

Upskirt porn has seen its peaks and valleys of popularity, though it seems of late to have unfortunately avoided the attention of too many porn fans. Perhaps it has been the increased proliferation of celebrity upskirt photos snapped by paparazzo as our hot-legged stars crawl out of limos or prance around onstage in outfits your mother might admire on TV, but would throw up if she caught her daughter wearing. There are, however, some upskirt sites still going strong. One of these recently went under the Pink-O-Scope™: Skirts Up Girls. For the ful lowdown on what’s up at Skirts Up Girls, check out our full review here. (Hint: it rhymes with Stüssy… kinda.)

Your Mother Wouldn’t Like It

MrPinksPartly because she was raised in a strict Catholic household by prolifically procreating, but otherwise asexual parents, and partly because I don’t want my mother thinking her son sits at home all day with nothing but a tub of lotion and a crusty old handkerchief for company, I haven’t yet managed to tell my mother exactly what I do for a living. “I write reviews of hardcore pornographic websites,” doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of declaration you can make over a dinner of roast chicken and vegetables on a Sunday evening. Reluctant as I am to continue the charade – unlike some, I’d rather not lie to my mother on a regular basis – I just can’t seem to be able to find the right way to inform her of my current occupation.

During a recent phone call, Mom and I spoke about the weather, what music I’ve been listening to, my movie recommendations, my siblings, my father, the declining mental health of my grandmother, which holiday songs and jingles we found the most obnoxious… everything but work. As far as she knows I work on a computer for something involving the Internet, so when she subtly inquired as to how I earn my income by asking “And how’s work going?” my overly simplistic response of “Fine. You know, busy, busy, busy!” seemed adequate. I wanted to answer “Well, Mom, it’s really quite an interesting time of the year for the porn industry. The AVN Awards are about to take place and may determine the trends, rising stars, and powerhouse studios of 2012, changing the kind of material I’ll be writing about in both reviews and blogs. Asa Akira just did a double-anal scene and I wouldn’t be surprised if that kind of ultra-sensitive physical activity is on the cards for a large number of younger pornstars who now think they have to follow suit to even be considered for decent roles. If you’ll recall, 2008 to 2011 was largely focused on who’d be taking it in the ass, from whom, when and for which studio. I’m inclined to believe 2012 will be the start of a similar line of thought but, you know, twice as intense. Ha.”

Nope, instead I just told her it was fine. She might be aware of what happens in contemporary hardcore pornographic movies; she might not. She might want to know what I really do for work; she might not. She might understand that her beliefs about porn (and religion and economics and politics) don’t exactly mirror mine; but then again she might not.

Ah, mothers. Can’t live with ’em, can’t tell ’em about your work on the periphery of the porn industry.