Octo-Porn Has Arrived!

Octomom PornHey, remember that maternal train wreck the tabloid media dubbed “Octomom”? And remember the rumors that flew around suggesting she’d be taking to fucking on camera to keep her flock of 14 fed, clothed, and housed? Well, the rumors finally came true, with Wicked contract director Brad Armstrong helming her maiden venture into what could be the career that saves her from losing her La Habra residence after she filed last month for personal bankruptcy. That’s right, folks, the single mom who found worldwide notoriety for squirting out eight rugrats in one sitting is now a genuine adult performer.

While exact details of Suleman’s shoot are still largely under wraps, a few tidbits have leaked and are now being thrashed around the Internet, possibly as a respite from all the cannibalism stories that’ve been popping up of late. When her scene, which is masturbation-only, comes out, the curious can expect to see Suleman covered in, of all things, SpaghettiOs. Yup, SpaghettiOs. (No, I don’t know what the fuck is up with that particular prop either.)

Of her first experience pleasuring herself in front of a camera, crew, and eventually a home-viewing audience, Suleman said she owed a lot to Jessica Drake. “She opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could never have imagined.” While the company releasing the movie still hasn’t been identified, Suleman seems quite happy with their professionalism, saying “I don’t think I could have asked for a better crew to work with. They were so patient and willing to teach me.” Clearly given a substantial confidence boost, she told Huffington Post “reporter” Naughty But Nice Rob “They made me look so glamorous, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy. I’m very excited for it to come out!”

Yeah, that’s what she said about the octuplets, too.

Smurfing Around with Hustler

This Ain't the Smurfs XXXOf all notable pop culture properties, few are less overtly sexual than The Smurfs. The Muppets have that dominating vixen Miss Piggy and even the Teletubbies offered up some rather sexual imagery (those things on their heads sure seemed phallic and Twinky Winky was a noted gay icon), but the closest it seems The Smurfs ever came to promoting discussion of sexuality was that scene in Donnie Darko where Donnie’s friends suggest Smurfette, as the only notable female Smurf, serviced the entire village; hardly a reputable journal of psychological or sociological inquiry. There you have it, Smurfs aren’t a sexually motivated creation. This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX, however, is.

Another parody porn from the reigning king of the genre, director Axel Braun, this seemingly uncalled for hardcore romp through Smurfdom centers around the not at all blue pornstar, Nicole Aniston. Slaving away behind the reception desk at the Hustler offices, Nicole is startled by the sudden space-time-continuum-destroying arrival of three little blue people on her desk. It turns out Brainy Smurf  (Jeremy Conway) rigged up a teleportation device and thrust himself, Papa Smurf (Jay Crew), and the delightful Smurfette (Lexi Belle) into the present day real world. Evan Stone, also plodding around the Hustler offices – so, no springing for elaborate sets or location shoots then, Braun? – presents Nicole with a challenge: if he finds the little blue critters, he’ll want them all to himself, forcing the busty blonde to distract him the only way she knows how. Fast-forward a touch and the Smurfs soon discover another of their kind (Charley Chase) and Hustler shutterbug Bill Diehl promptly shoots both Smurfettes in a lesbian scene that begins the show the superficial nature of their blue skin.

Soon enough, the bright blue penises arrive on the scene and the colorful makeup is really put to the test. Although it’s somewhat distracting to find yourself counting the globs of blue body paint falling off the performers as Papa and Brainy prove to Charley that they’re blue from head to toe, even beneath their tight white and red trousers. Lexi’s Smurfette isn’t denied a solid dicking, either, and the final sex scene pits her diminutive cobalt pussy against Gargamel’s (Barry Scott) impressive pink sword.

This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX is now available as a two-disc set (with bonus 3-D version and glasses included) in adult retail establishments everywhere. Those fully devoted to online video can see the bluest blue movie of all time at Hustler.

Le Petite Revenge

It looks like AMKingdom might just be the lucky adult entertainment company to come away with this seasons biggest smash as the company’s high profile release, Revenge of the Petites, has now sold out of its entire first printing. Overwhelmingly positive reviews have been flowing in from all corners of the industry since the title’s initial May 9 release. Revenge of the Petites, which stars Marie McCray, Skin Diamond, Vanessa Cage, and Celeste Star, has been called “An absolute must-see,” by AVN’s Peter Warren and “A charming, light-hearted feature with impressive production values,” by XBIZ’s Dan Miller. Now, as it goes back for a second printing to fulfill existing orders and fall into the laps of thus-far-deprived customers, praise just keeps piling on for AMKingdom’s big budget college-themed sexual extravaganza.

Revenge of the Petites sees director Harry Sparks and stars Marie McCray, Skin Diamond, and the rest of the girls taking on the tried and true tradition of American coming-of-age college comedies like Revenge of the Nerds, American Pie, and Animal House, but with a decidedly more provocative slant. But to what can AMKingdom attribute the release’s success? CraveOnline editor William Bibbiani points to director Sparks: “Sparks is a legitimately strong director who isn’t trying to make a mainstream film that happens to have sex with it, or an ‘adult’ film that happens to have a narrative. He incorporates both mindsets, thought by some to be inherently conflicting, in fairly equal measure and crafts in the process a genuine motion picture experience that’s both pleasurable and arousing. We have a long way to go before the worlds of conventional filmmaking and pornographic content are intertwined, but Revenge of the Petites is at the very least a step in the right direction.”

I’d suggest picking up your copy sooner rather than later unless you want to miss the Petites boat altogether. Who knows how long this printing will last.

Earth’s Horniest Heroes

Vivid Video - Avengers parodyUnless you’ve been living under a drunken haze these past few months, you’re surely aware that a little comicbook movie about a team of mighty heroes in tight costumes called The Avengers just opened to record box office takings with $207.4 million opening weekend. There are, however, some long time members of the Merry Marvel Marching Society who haven’t yet shelled out the $9 dollars for a ticket (plus a $2 service charge and and another $3 for 3D glasses) to see their comic heroes on the big (really fucking big) screen. Rising ticket prices isn’t the only reason for avoiding the biggest blockbuster of the summer, though; there’s also resentment.

I, a long time fan of the Avengers comics – the Harris/Epting/Palmer run in the early ’90s, especially – resent the exclusion of the most attractive of the female team members: Ms. Marvel, The Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter, and, yes, even She-Hulk. With only ScarJo as feminine eye-candy, it stands to reason there’s demand enough from the male heterosexual portion of The Avengers’ audience to demand this travesty be rectified. It’s too late for Marvel, though. Axel Braun beat them to it.

Axel Braun is the undisputed king of the contemporary porn parody and the man responsible for such hardcore takes on comicbook legends as Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman, all in movies suffixed XXX: A Porn Parody, so it’s no shock he took on Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and it’s no surprise he decided to include such wearers of skimpy form-fitting costumes as those women listed above. If you’ve seen his work you’d know that Axel Braun is many things, but he ain’t no damn dummy.

Check out the trailer for The Avengers: A XXX Porn Parody then report back here immediately, solider. That’s an order! (Don’t worry, it’s SFW.)

Now, just tell me Lex Steele doesn’t give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money as Nick Fury, and tell me Xander Corvus doesn’t bring the appropriate self-obsessed teen angst Spider-Man requires, and tell me you wouldn’t risk being crippled by the aggressive sexual potency of Spider-Woman’s (Jenna Presley) pheromone-aided seductive techniques. And that’s the Jessica Drew Spider-Woman, not one of the other, lesser versions. And Braun’s got Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) in there, Brooklyn Lee squeezed into an ever tighter, shinier catsuit than ScarJo’s Black Widow, and fucking Chyna plays The Sensational She-Hulk – is that perfect casting or what? Really the only casting decision that seems a touch off is that of Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel; she’s great and all, but kinda slight for one of the most powerful human women in the Marvel Universe. How does the marvelous Ms. Swallow fare in her sex scenes with Spidey and Scarlet Witch? Vivid has every planet-threatening, kitten-saving, costume-shredding, face-blasting second of the most adventurous porn parody Braun has produced thus far, The Avengers XXX.