Anal Advice Assessed

Valentina Nappi

Since arriving on the international porn scene in 2011 and making waves in the US industry thanks to her relentless pursuit of personal pleasure, devotion to full gender equality, or fondness for shooting anal, DP, and gangbang scenes, Italian goddess Valentina Nappi has become one of the more salient commentators on the ins-and-outs of the porn world. So, when GQ published a slightly disturbing article entitled “How to Ask for Anal Sex” only to then be followed by a red-pen wielding Complex writer who pointed out its numerous flaws and falsehoods – “Women like to be surprised,” claims GQ, but that doesn’t extend to surprise buttsecks! – we turned to the esteemed Ms. Nappi for her advice, compared it to that of GQ and Complex, and tried to figure out which source was providing the real assistance to anally-inclined readers. Guess who came out on top?

GQ writer, “sex expert” and hostess, Sarah Jane Banahan suggests forgoing mentioning or requesting an anal attempt in advance, telling readers to “undress her slowly, kiss her, tell her quietly that you are going to penetrate her from behind.” Yeah, kinda like that disturbing scene from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! Complex, for its part, wanted answers and turned to sexologist Bianca Laureano to get them. “Articles like this are dangerous because they give men the impression they may do something sexual with a partner without their consent.” Real anal sex, dear readers, is nothing like a porn scenario. You don’t start out with heavy petting, say “Turn over, baby,” then dive in cock-first. What you want to do is follow the advice of someone who’s been on the receiving end of many an butt-hungry penis in her time, Ms. Valentina Nappi.

In a blog post entitled How to Do Anal, Valentina lays it out as clearly as anyone anal adventurer could want. First, she details cleanliness protocols, discussing how to administer an enema and how pornstars stay clean on set. Some take psyllium whole husks for a fiber blast thrice daily before a shoot while others take Imodium (“not a healthy decision,” she says), but Valentina herself simply reduces fiber intake prior to a shoot to ensure she’s not leaking all over the set, the props, and her co-stars come the day of the shoot. Lubrication is next on Ms. Nappi’s checklist and, boy, is she through, a far cry from the lube-less anal attempts outlined in GQ. Size is also discussed, with Nappi insisting that every ass is different and can accommodate objects of different sizes. Crucially, she points out that the average length of the human rectum ranges from 10cm to 15cm and anything larger than that may end up smashing your colon, potentially resulting in Depends dependency.

Sure, GQ and even Complex’s guides to anal sex lacked the casual language Nappi uses, aiming for a more scientific-sounding approach to anal preparation, but really, at the end of the day which would you trust, the male equivalent of Cosmopolitan, a hip-hop-oriented youth culture magazine, or someone who takes cocks in their ass for a living and is comfortable, confident, and casually serious enough about the safety of her fans’ and fans’ lovers’ assholes that she’d even post a little infographic to help identify the (literal) shit you don’t wanna know about, as well as the (proverbial) shit you absolutely need to know before plunging your boner deep inside a surprisingly sensitive little passage.

Valentina Nappi @ HardX

Ronda Rousey’s Slippery Sex Tips

Ronda Rousey

She may be one of the most Googled female athletes in recent memory, and world champion in her chosen sport, a Hollywood player with mainstream movie cameos, and now the author of a sex and dating advice column for men’s mag Maxim, but Ronda Rousey probably shouldn’t be dispensing sex tips or criticizing others practices until she’s learned a few things about the variability of human sexual response.

Telling Maxim reader “Jack, 36, Los Angeles” that using lubricant is a sign of sexual inadequacy, impatience, and disregard for a woman’s arousal is just plain irresponsible. Italicizing her response because she’s so damn sure it’s correct, Rousey says “You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, then you’re being lazy.” So every post-menopausal woman who suffers from vaginal dryness has a lazy lover? Those couples dealing with sexual anxiety or a disconnected physical response or under the haze of a nice strain of cannabis sativa might also find the lower regions a little less moist than your average folks.

Though the idea that any guy reaching for a tube to lube his partner isn’t taking his time has an iota of validity, there’s always those guys and couples who prefer longer bouts of intercourse, something lube no doubt helps extend without rawness and irritation ruining an epic coital congress. And then, Ms. Rousey, there’s the marvelous world of anal intercourse, something that would hardly be comfortable enough to pursue without the aid of additional lubrication.

Dudes, Maxim readers, sexually active humans… Don’t listen to Ronda. Load up on lube and see how smooth your sex life can be. And, if you must listen to Ronda, at least listen to Kleio Valentien as Ronda ArouseMe in Burning Angel’s hit porn parody. Trust me, it lasts longer than most Rousey bouts and is very wet indeed.

Fucking Cures Fear of Flying

Kagney Linn Karter and Kendra Lust

You found the perfect woman – she’s intelligent, attractive, has a great sense of humor, and is a deeply sexual being with few obnoxious family members to enter and ruin your life – but there remains one problem: she loves to travel and you’re a aviophobic homebody who can’t get on a plane post-9-11 unless heavily medicated and heading to Vegas. How to keep the flame burning so brightly when you can’t join her on a fucking tour of Central Europe or a trip to Nepal to simultaneously orgasm on a Himalayan mountaintop or receive the blowjob of your life behind Musee d’Orsay, now that’s a challenge you’ll be thrilled to hear can be tackled with sex.

According to therapist and former airline pilot, Tom Bunn, one key to dampening the anxiety caused by airplane travel could be sex. Bunn, who created the SOAR program to address flight phobias, told of a male client whose flying anxiety made every trip miserable, until he spent one pre-flight evening between the thighs of a newfound sexual partner, staying up late into the night to enjoy their physical pairing. The result was an anxiety-free flight, Bunn says, brought on by increased levels of oxytocin, a nonapeptide hormone generated in the hypothalamus to quell fear and trepidation, replacing them with calmer, more satisfied feelings. Sparked during foreplay, oxytocin offers what Bun calls a “sexual afterglow” and this can be recalled during times of stress, countering anxious thoughts and traumatic memories with, say, the mental image of your partner smiling back at you after roaring through some mighty wild sex.

Unfortunately, Bunn isn’t actually proposing sex on airplanes, instead suggesting the an enjoyable romp the night before a flight should be enough to tackle any unsettling ideas about air travel you might have. And, if not, just make sure to time your lavatory entrances well and don’t be discovered getting it on at 28,000 ft – at least not until you’ve both finished and basking in the toasty afterglow.

Kagney Linn Karter and Kendra Lust in Tittyfuck Airlines @ Brazzers site Big Tits At Work