New Toy App Advises Lousy Lays

Sex can be difficult. First you have to occasion to actually have sex, then your consideration and “reading” of your partner’s responses, desires, and disinterests becomes paramount. Then there’s the inevitable regret at not lasting longer, going too long, being too frenetic, not moving enough, not cleaning up quickly enough, and the dreaded question of when to call or text next. While there’s nothing in Lovely’s programming to help you with arranging your next date, this little device could guide you and your partner towards a far more fruitful sexual relationship. How? By reading your body and sending you instructive messages, obviously.


Think of this… Experiencing post-coital sedation, you’re stirred from snuggling by an alert sound on your iPhone. Your turn to pick it up, hoping it’s not anyone that could compromise you chances of “hitting it” again later. It’s Lovely. Lovely tells you that while it was restricting blood flow from your genitals and strangling your shaft, it determined that the doggy-style position hasn’t had enough play in your bedroom. Advising and demonstrating on the use of such positions, and counting the calories burnt, heart-rate reached, top thrusting speed achieved, Lovely aims to improve every sex life it touches. But is it as inspiring as it first appears?

With the privacy of user data one of Internet users’ principal concerns today, Lovely raises a few interesting questions about how openly we share and discuss our sexual habits. If you’re wearing Lovely during sex for one year and it tracks and analyses every encounter you have, isn’t your yearly sexual history available for the hacking (or selling should Lovely not achieve to its expected standards) and couldn’t it end up in the hands of just about anyone?

Perhaps I’m being a little paranoid and Lovely really is trying to help me. It’s just that, what with cock rings being innately wince-inducing and the data issue being a tough one, Lovely seems more like a device for gathering information for others than for the user. After all, shouldn’t the evolution of a sexual relationship come about because the parties declare their desires and engage in the mutually agreeable ones together, not because their phones told them to lift a leg this way, fuck faster on weekdays, or reach for a supportive pillow? Clearly I’m living in a fantasyland and need a device like Lovely, which is now taking pre-orders and campaigning for completion funds through IndieGoGo, to set me straight.

Great Moments in Amateur Sex Toy Design

The launch of the 2015 installment of Lovehoney’s Design a Sex Toy Contest isn’t only cause for celebration if you’re a wannabe product designer with an erotically inclined mind, it’s also worth investigating if you’re a fan of the myriad absurd and ridiculous concoctions people dream up to help them and their fellow humans with alleviating sexual frustration. BuzzFeed knows this all too well, having collected an array of the weirdest and most curious submissions from years gone by. Here, we examine a few of the standout submissions that, creative or not, have such limited potential it’s a wonder they got as far as a concept drawing.

The Biter, a triple threat providing a penile sheath for male masturbation, a vibrating phallus for female masturbation, and a pair of chomping teeth (to simulate biting, duh) to put the fear of good dentistry into every male user and confuse the fuck out of females.

the biter

Ever wanted to prove your anal agility at a very liberal party by plugging your ass and opening everyone’s beers for them? If only this ingenious device had made it to production, you could!

bottle opener

The Camel seems intent on giving women an enjoyably bumpy ride thanks to its (apparent) G-spot stimulating head, clit-attending hump, and beaded ass-filling tail. If only its creator was truly inspired, the Camel could’ve been a spitting llama – everyone’d buy that!

the camel

This one’s a pussycat. I don’t know what it does. Meow sexily at you? Is that what the lower compartment is for, the meowing mechanism?


Think you can do better than these crafty little sex toy designs? Lovehoney wants to know about it. Submit your creations to the 2015 Design a Sex Toy Contest and you could win up to £150,000 in prizes and royalties!

Cleaning Up is Hard to Do

All guys have experienced that frantic search for a tissue, old sock, new sock, or fraying rag upon reaching the climax of a masturbatory jaunt. Not always fun, is it? You grab a communal tissue box – hey, nobody was home! – but get paranoid someone can feel the encrusted pre-cum adorning the cardboard side. Or you find the closest cloth object, wipe up, then realize you’ve probably stained your favorite vintage Heart concert shirt with a million-or-so little swimmers. What to do? What to do? Digital Playground, home of the DP contract stars and many incredible audio-visual masturbation aids, has the solution.

dick bib

Dubbed the “DickBib” and riding the Internet-aided trend of “tributing” (ejaculating on) images of desirable women, Digital Playground has launched an IndieGoGo campaign to raise funds for its latest novelty, a clean-up cloth baring the visage of the studio’s current It Girl, Eva Lovia. Designed to hang below your junk “in anticipation of your spunk,” the DickBib is made from a “special polyester” that’s both reusable and washable, allegedly saving you copious funds otherwise spent on tissues and new socks. The DickBib wearer simply fastens above the penis and lets the lovely Ms. Lovia’s face dangle behind and below their balls in wait.

52400Is this product, which DP has for pre-sale for $20-a-pop with perks for larger contributions, the stupidest sexual aid to come along since the ScreamingO SnorkelO or a sensible and environmentally friendly way to clean up your spooge? More importantly though, what are you going to tell your visiting, doting mother when she finds the semen-encrusted face of a pornstar staring back at her from your month-old laundry basket and how do you address the “bib” portion of the name without feeling like you should be having baby food wiped from your chin by a babysitter?