Great Moments in Amateur Sex Toy Design

The launch of the 2015 installment of Lovehoney’s Design a Sex Toy Contest isn’t only cause for celebration if you’re a wannabe product designer with an erotically inclined mind, it’s also worth investigating if you’re a fan of the myriad absurd and ridiculous concoctions people dream up to help them and their fellow humans with alleviating sexual frustration. BuzzFeed knows this all too well, having collected an array of the weirdest and most curious submissions from years gone by. Here, we examine a few of the standout submissions that, creative or not, have such limited potential it’s a wonder they got as far as a concept drawing.

The Biter, a triple threat providing a penile sheath for male masturbation, a vibrating phallus for female masturbation, and a pair of chomping teeth (to simulate biting, duh) to put the fear of good dentistry into every male user and confuse the fuck out of females.

the biter

Ever wanted to prove your anal agility at a very liberal party by plugging your ass and opening everyone’s beers for them? If only this ingenious device had made it to production, you could!

bottle opener

The Camel seems intent on giving women an enjoyably bumpy ride thanks to its (apparent) G-spot stimulating head, clit-attending hump, and beaded ass-filling tail. If only its creator was truly inspired, the Camel could’ve been a spitting llama – everyone’d buy that!

the camel

This one’s a pussycat. I don’t know what it does. Meow sexily at you? Is that what the lower compartment is for, the meowing mechanism?

pussycat

Think you can do better than these crafty little sex toy designs? Lovehoney wants to know about it. Submit your creations to the 2015 Design a Sex Toy Contest and you could win up to £150,000 in prizes and royalties!

Cleaning Up is Hard to Do

All guys have experienced that frantic search for a tissue, old sock, new sock, or fraying rag upon reaching the climax of a masturbatory jaunt. Not always fun, is it? You grab a communal tissue box – hey, nobody was home! – but get paranoid someone can feel the encrusted pre-cum adorning the cardboard side. Or you find the closest cloth object, wipe up, then realize you’ve probably stained your favorite vintage Heart concert shirt with a million-or-so little swimmers. What to do? What to do? Digital Playground, home of the DP contract stars and many incredible audio-visual masturbation aids, has the solution.

dick bib

Dubbed the “DickBib” and riding the Internet-aided trend of “tributing” (ejaculating on) images of desirable women, Digital Playground has launched an IndieGoGo campaign to raise funds for its latest novelty, a clean-up cloth baring the visage of the studio’s current It Girl, Eva Lovia. Designed to hang below your junk “in anticipation of your spunk,” the DickBib is made from a “special polyester” that’s both reusable and washable, allegedly saving you copious funds otherwise spent on tissues and new socks. The DickBib wearer simply fastens above the penis and lets the lovely Ms. Lovia’s face dangle behind and below their balls in wait.

52400Is this product, which DP has for pre-sale for $20-a-pop with perks for larger contributions, the stupidest sexual aid to come along since the ScreamingO SnorkelO or a sensible and environmentally friendly way to clean up your spooge? More importantly though, what are you going to tell your visiting, doting mother when she finds the semen-encrusted face of a pornstar staring back at her from your month-old laundry basket and how do you address the “bib” portion of the name without feeling like you should be having baby food wiped from your chin by a babysitter?

Lelo’s Masturbation Tips for Couples

ftv girl Shannon

Dubbed ‘Masturbation Month’ by a group of fierce advocates for self-pleasure, May sees people around the world stroking their dicks and rubbing their pussies not only to relieve stress, improve general health, and ensure their organs are functioning as expected, but to increase awareness of this most intimate and personal style of lovemaking amongst those who would otherwise believe it a blindness-causing sin. Lelo, preeminent makers of the world’s finest intimate lifestyle products, has other ideas for Masturbation Month 2015, however, and provided some brilliant tips for couples ready to explore masturbation both individual and mutual. Here’s a taste…

– Destigmatize masturbation by treating it like any other sexual act, says Lelo. “Arbitrary distinctions between what is sex and what isn’t can hamper you from fully expressing yourself… a good way to start is by ‘just’ masturbating with your partner, not treating it as foreplay.”

– The simplest advice is often the best. Case in point: pay attention! “Both show your partner what exactly it is that you want sexually, as well as learn the same of them.”

– Make some changes to your own masturbation routine – add a new toy, switch hands, get creative (but not lethally so) with some neckties or vegetables and “learn new ways to reach climax both by yourself and with your partner.”

– Instead of whining and pining for an absent lover, use the distance as a tool to find new ways to enjoy each other. Try embracing every techno-tool you can to keep each other aching for contact, then let off steam by pleasuring yourselves together over a video chat.

– Many women (and some men) find most pornography a turn-off, largely because they don’t know what’s out there. “There are filmmakers dedicated to improving pornographic movies to better present female pleasure and feminist themes. Just as you compromise on what TV show to watch after dinner, you can compromise and foster tastes as a couple.”

– Respect and enjoy your need for a truly solitary experience: “Masturbation is healthy and fun, but it can be important to also have moments to yourself, and respect that you partner’s appetites for sex (alone or together) may differ from yours.”

Lelo’s masturbation advice for couples can be read in full at BaDoink, where many Mr. Pink readers are already enjoying some top-notch meat-beating inspiration in celebration of Masturbation Month.

For some great masturbation videos, Mr. Pink’s suggests FTV Girls