Nervous Husband – Missy Pink’s Sex Advice

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comMissy Pink,

I’m married to a wonderful stay at home Mom. My wife and I are the same age, 33, and things have always seemed to work out perfectly within our marriage. A few months ago she met a stay at home Dad, through a mutual play date, and they’ve developed a very strong friendship, even calling and texting during the evening hours. She doesn’t hide anything, but, she talks about him all the time and I found myself feeling nervous about their relationship, so, I told her my feelings. We talked calmly and she eased my ill feelings, but within days I was more upset than before and we both said hurtful things to one another. There’s been a damage done that I’m not sure can be reversed.

Nervous Husband

Dear Nervous;

You use words such as, “nervous and ill feelings,” when describing how the friendship your wife has with another man, but let’s be honest here, you’re jealous.  I found myself wanting to say, if you’re feeling insecure about this friendship, that tells me you know there are areas that have caused voids for her and maybe she’s found someone else to fill them. To look at this logically, they have much in common, both being stay at home parents, they can compare notes, complain, boast, brag, and literally go crazy over the hectic side of their days, and they know it’s completely understood. While you’re out in the work force, talking to adults and having a change of scenery, she’s been at home watching Sesame Street and carrying on conversations about how potty training works…now she has adult attention.

You didn’t mention if anything was failing in the bedroom part of your marriage, which leads me to believe you feel the connection is more of an emotional one, and if that’s the case, it could get tricky. She’s felt on her own in many ways I’m sure for quite some time, and now there’s finally a sympathetic ear and a non judgmental sounding board that has become her salvation. In some ways, that’s more satisfying than a sexual orgasm.

Since you stepped outside of the comfort zone and hurtful words were spoken, it’s going to take some time on your end to make amends, if that’s the route you’re wanting to go. It will be hard however to do your best to smooth things over if you still have that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach, and, if she refuses to end the friendship, one marital blow up is going to lead to another.

My recommendation would be….be honest. Sit her down, explain that you’re sorry for what you said, and even though you both were hurt, you want to discuss things as adults and at least get to a place where you don’t feel the constant flow of anger between you, and then, seek the assistance of a professional. Yes, couple’s counseling sounds like it may be called for. If you love her as I believe you do, but you feel this threatened over her closeness to another male, then you need a mediator to oversee your healing. Also, there could be the possibility that she has emotional feelings for this male friend and she doesn’t know how to deal with them, maybe that’s the cause for her to become defensive, there are many ways things could go, so, being constructive is the best route to take.

Don’t just toss away the idea of counseling, you may need to be on a therapist’s couch before you get back into the marital bed.

Carcinogenic Pussies Destroy Hollywood

We open on Hollywood Blvd. It’s early on a Saturday afternoon. An unlicensed Elmo-costumed street performer coaxes a tourist into parting with $5 for a photo. T-shirt vendors restock their displays with product as another happy customer walks off with an unlicensed “Dude Abides” tee. The right wall of the vendor’s store suddenly collapses, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare startled at the wreckage. The ground starts shaking and the locals duck into doorways and under structural supports. Then, towering over the five-story Hollywood and Highland center, bounding in from the east comes a colossal pussy, its thundering queefs blowing eardrums as it hurls HPV bombs at the people on the street below.

Well, that’s not quite what happened, but Michael Douglas did last week tell the Guardian that a cause, if not the cause, of the throat cancer he recently recovered from was the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) transmitted orally to him via cunnilingus. Yeah, that’s right he nuzzled up to an HPV-infected woman (not necessarily his wife; he is a tinsel town legend, after all) and now believes that particular activity was what led to a tumor at the base of his tongue; not years of heavy drinking, smoking, and God knows what else, but eating pussy.

While you may scoff at the notion of oral sex causing cancer, the CDC claims HPV leads to throat cancer in 1,700 women and 6,700 men annually. In fact, data offered by the American Association for the Advancement of Science suggests tobacco has been knocked from its top spot as the leading cause of oral (neck, mouth, and throat) cancer in men by HPV. An noted in CNN’s article on Douglas’ revelation, according to Dr. Anil Chaturvedi of the National Cancer Institute “The precise reasons for the survival benefits are not clear, but tumors in HPV-positive patients tend to have less genetic damage. Because of that, they are more responsive to cancer therapies like radiation treatment.”

Anyone who’s seen Douglas’ turn as he of the mirrored piano and impossible pomp, Liberace, in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra, can certainly attest to the actor/producer’s recovery: it’s his most dynamic and accomplished role in years.

Playboy Taps Crimson for Tips

Camille CrimsonWe at Mr. Pink’s have been big fans of Camille Crimson and The Art of Blowjob for some time, but it seemed like everyone else was still favoring puke-inducing deep-throats as vicious as they seemed uncomfortable. Lately, however, the world seems to be waking up to Ms. Crimson’s unique porn styling and her devotion to, well, the art of giving blowjobs. Especially noteworthy is Crimson’s inclusion in, of all publications, the granddaddy of modern day adult entertainment, Playboy.

Writing for the Playboy site’s Sex & Dating section, Crimson details five key ways to ensure you not only receive great blowjobs, but are worthy of them, too.

Presentation is key, Crimson says, advising would-be tonsil-ticklers to wash up, trim excess follicles, and ensure underwear (if worn) is free of stains, holes, and loose waistbands. Ditch your crusty Fruit of the Looms, fellas, and spring for a couple pairs of Calvins.

Inspiration. Here, mainstream porn takes some criticism from Crimson, one of the few outside voices attempting to curb the hyper-aggressive face-fucking prevalent in today’s porn. She suggests warming up your lady (and yourself) with some “sensual, respectful, and beautiful blowjob porn”. (Gee, I wonder where you’d find such stuff…)

Communication is arguably the most direct path to oral satisfaction. “Without getting too bossy, voice your desires and get what you want out of the blowjob,” she advises. This relates to the culmination of the act, too. “It’s not bad to want to come in her mouth, on her face, on her breasts… but give a heads-up before you do and leave it open for her to suggest an alternative if she wants.”

– While she’s exhausting her jaw and tongue for your pleasure, you could at least show some Appreciation. When you’re going down on her (which we’ll get to in a moment), you want to know you’re doing something right, right? Well, then, tell her when she’s pleasing you either with a few whispered words of encouragement or simply moaning and thanking her afterwards.

– The most enjoyable of all Camille Crimson’s blowjob tips: Reciprocation! She might’ve given you a headie for the ages, but unless you’ve been attentive to her needs – use your fingers, your mouth, a toy, or make her wait her turn – it’s not likely to be a thrill repeated anytime soon. And, for chrissakes, don’t just go through the motions! Help her feel the way you felt and you’ll be well on your way to a permanent grin the envy of all men.

Dirty Dreamer – Missy Pink’s Sex Advice

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comDear Missy Pink,

I guess I should begin by saying I’m a 35 year old woman, never married and not a professional at relationships period. I’ve always been very shy and to be honest, I was in my late 20’s before losing my virginity. I reached puberty early in life and have always had a high sex drive, but, have always used masturbation as my release. The problem with that, the fantasies I would come up with. I have a wild imagination and as the years went on, it took extreme things to really have me satisfied, even with high powered sex toys involved.  Now that I am having more dates and being more active, I’m not finding myself as turned on by the men in my bed as I can get from my own imagination, have I ruined myself?

Dirty Dreamer

Dear Dirty,

There’s nothing written in stone as to what is a suitable or acceptable age for losing your virginity, some are earlier in life than others, but thank goodness, we always are in possession of the box our cherry came from! If the world were open and honest about taboo topics, we’d probably find the majority of the population experienced their first orgasm by their own hands, and even if they find themselves in a steady relationship, marriage, whatever the case may be, there’s still something familiar, comfortable and exciting about stealing those private moments of masturbation, it’s like cumming home to an old friend.

It sounds as if even though your saturation was solo generated, it was done for a very long time, and I’m guessing frequently, so, you achieved a routine and not just an orgasm. No one knows their body like themselves, but, when you’re in the right relationship, the exploration and training sessions can be extremely stimulating. You didn’t say if your dates of late have been more of the one night stand type, or those where you’re building on something  a bit more long term, but, if you are seeing someone on a steady basis, explain to them you bloomed a bit later in life with your shared lust and you need someone to take the time to make you feel like a woman, even in the presence of a man.

If a guy truly wants to be in a relationship with you, he’ll not just see it as a challenge, but also as a portal into a deeper connection, both physically and emotionally. Share some of your taboo fantasies, while sharing pillow talk during foreplay, explain in detail the things that would turn you on like the switch of your vibrator, he’ll become more aroused and so will you by feeling as if you’re “living out” your dirty dreams. It could turn into a win/win sexual situation.

One thing to keep in mind, when you close your eyes, you can be anywhere you want to be, you’re not bound to the bed you’re sharing with your lover, or by yourself for that matter. It’s okay to fantasize even when you’re with someone, that’s all a part of human nature, just because your sexual interludes now include a partner doesn’t mean you have to shut down the erogenous zone of your brain, the two can go hand in hand nicely. Be yourself, be wild, and be honest, and if he can’t handle your physical needs for orgasm, then maybe he’s not the man for you, but luckily, as the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so toss your rod back in the water and see if you pull back a keeper. After all, with your practice, you’re already a “master-baiter!” Hang a sign on your door that says, “Gone Fishin’” and then head for the watering hole!

Smoke My Bacon, Baby!

Your deep-frier-owning, ranch-dressing-drizzling, Mexican-Coke-preferring girlfriend has said there’s only one thing she loves more than you and it’s bacon and now you don’t know how to reignite the passion of fellatio in your relationship without feeling and smelling like a bona fide pig-fucker? Well, friend, J&D Foods has a product for you: bacon condoms. That’s right, folks, the makers of Bacon Ranch, Bacon Gravy and Bacon Shaving Cream, of bacon flavored lip balm, bacon scented roses, and even bacon sunscreen comes a rubber that’ll “make your meat look like meat”.

Bacon Condom

For those of you not throwing up your breakfast… J&D’s Bacon Condoms are made of latex but instead smell and taste of freshly sizzled rashers of fatty hog flesh. While I cannot at this time report on how these Bacon Condoms feel against human skin, they also look quite a bit like bacon given the fleshy, meaty design patterned on each, uh, unit. Like most bacon-celebrating products, demand has proven quite high for J&D’s absurd (and absurdly delicious) contraceptive product. Already out of stock after only a month on the market, Bacon Condoms can be yours if you add your name to the waiting list… or hit the supermarket for some DIY porking and poking.

Bacon flavored condoms