Your Mother Wouldn’t Like It

MrPinksPartly because she was raised in a strict Catholic household by prolifically procreating, but otherwise asexual parents, and partly because I don’t want my mother thinking her son sits at home all day with nothing but a tub of lotion and a crusty old handkerchief for company, I haven’t yet managed to tell my mother exactly what I do for a living. “I write reviews of hardcore pornographic websites,” doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of declaration you can make over a dinner of roast chicken and vegetables on a Sunday evening. Reluctant as I am to continue the charade – unlike some, I’d rather not lie to my mother on a regular basis – I just can’t seem to be able to find the right way to inform her of my current occupation.

During a recent phone call, Mom and I spoke about the weather, what music I’ve been listening to, my movie recommendations, my siblings, my father, the declining mental health of my grandmother, which holiday songs and jingles we found the most obnoxious… everything but work. As far as she knows I work on a computer for something involving the Internet, so when she subtly inquired as to how I earn my income by asking “And how’s work going?” my overly simplistic response of “Fine. You know, busy, busy, busy!” seemed adequate. I wanted to answer “Well, Mom, it’s really quite an interesting time of the year for the porn industry. The AVN Awards are about to take place and may determine the trends, rising stars, and powerhouse studios of 2012, changing the kind of material I’ll be writing about in both reviews and blogs. Asa Akira just did a double-anal scene and I wouldn’t be surprised if that kind of ultra-sensitive physical activity is on the cards for a large number of younger pornstars who now think they have to follow suit to even be considered for decent roles. If you’ll recall, 2008 to 2011 was largely focused on who’d be taking it in the ass, from whom, when and for which studio. I’m inclined to believe 2012 will be the start of a similar line of thought but, you know, twice as intense. Ha.”

Nope, instead I just told her it was fine. She might be aware of what happens in contemporary hardcore pornographic movies; she might not. She might want to know what I really do for work; she might not. She might understand that her beliefs about porn (and religion and economics and politics) don’t exactly mirror mine; but then again she might not.

Ah, mothers. Can’t live with ’em, can’t tell ’em about your work on the periphery of the porn industry.

Fleshlight Fucks the iPad

Fleshlight iPadThis year, notorious Kevin Smith-endorsed product, Fleshlight, took home two AVN Awards, Best Sex Toy Company – Large, and Best Sex Toy for Men, but the biggest news to come out of Fleshlight HQ of late concerns a brand new attachment that will finally enable Fleshlight users to pound the mouths, pussies, and asses of porn’s hottest women in a far more intimate way than ever before.

Catching the eye of Gizmodo’s Kyle Wagner, a prototype by TV Miller designed to allow the customer to “interactively reach self-gratification, with various prerecorded multimedia designed specifically for the tablet-penis interface,” caused a stir and led to an exploratory article by Wagner that reached Fleshlight HQ down in Austin, Texas. Fleshlight COO Brian Shubin responded by confirming that the product is in development but refused to provide any additional details at this time. “It’s another exciting product we have in development at the moment. We are always looking to improve our user experience and this will be a way to take it to another level.”

Although a release date hasn’t yet been confirmed of even hinted at, Shubin did tell eager technobaters to keep checking back with Fleshlight for updates. Fuckable iPads… who’d a thunk it?! In fact, with a bit of imagination and the right tools, as this photo from Gizmodo commenter Randy Sexer shows, you could already be in vicarious fucking heaven… or something.

Rock Fleshlight iPad

Inside the Winner’s Circle

2012 AVN AwardsEvery year, the AVN Awards bestow upon porn’s best and brightest the greatest accolades the industry has ever known, and this year was no different. Pornstars both veteran and fledgling, female and male, were handed phallic trophies declaring them the best blahblahblah of 2011 and therefore guaranteeing them a place in the upper echelon of adult performers; at least, that is, until next year. In order to properly assess the current state of the industry and ruminate on what 2012 might have in store for porn viewers across the globe, why don’t we run down the list of the more prominent achievements heralded by the 2011 AVN Awards and see what’s what.

Female Performer of the Year, Bobbi Starr, certainly deserved her accolade, having in the last 12 months cemented herself not only as a astonishing performer capable of the most raucous and debasing kink and rough sex scenes as well as an incredibly tender onscreen lover when it is required, but by managing to do all of this while establishing herself as a maverick director of feminist pro-sex porn for men and women of all persuasions.

Manuel Ferrara took home the Male Performer of the Year award and few could argue that the Frenchman hadn’t earned his phallic trophy. It seems like Manny has been plowing the asses of porn’s best and brightest for eons but the last year has really been a fantastic one for the uncircumcised multiple-shot-popper, having broken in the rear passages of London Keyes, Holly Michaels, Gracie Glam, and Kagney Linn Karter, and extending his extremely intimate Raw DVD series, while maintaining his handsome yet down-to-earth persona.

New Starlet of the Year was a hotly contested category and while I could definitely sit here are argue that Skin Diamond, Holly Michaels, Abella Anderson, Jessie Andrews, and Rebeca Linares’ new tits are all worthy of the accolade (even if the latter did only enter the industry to get their host into big boob movies and out of anal ones), you’ve gotta hand it to Brooklyn Lee. The native Ohioan took on the toughest performers, both male and female, in the industry and proved herself a worthy match. While I can’t help but feel this award might’ve been more appropriately awarded to Ms. Lee last year when she first made a splash, she’s nonetheless a stunning performer with a bright future.

My frontrunner for Female Performer of the Year, Asa Akira, didn’t win that category, but instead took home a wheelbarrow full of awards for the Best Tease Performance, Solo Sex Scene, Anal Sex Scene, Double-Penetration Scene, Threeway Sex Scene (boy/boy/girl), Group Sex Scene, and, for Asa Akira is Insatiable 2, Best All-Sex Release. Quite a year for the diminutive Japanese-American with, well, an insatiable appetite for powerful sex.

Having not yet seen Diary of a Call Girl, I can’t personally vouch for Actress of the Year award winner Jessie Andrews’ performance in the title role, but her numerous other onscreen roles have made quite an impression, both on this reviewer and the porn industry at large. Julia Ann, the wondermilf herself, called Jessie one of the brightest new talents in the business after performing with her in Club 59’s Teach Me. This girl has very, very big things ahead of her.

Industry awards are great, sure, but they don’t mean anything compared to a legion of devoted, sexually satisfied fans. When it came to the fan-voted awards, Riley Steele took ’em all! Best Body, Favorite Porn Star, Twitter Queen, and Hottest Sex Scene (shared with Jesse Jane, Kayden Kross, Stoya, BiBi Jones and Manuel Ferrara for Digital Playground’s Babysitters 2). Talk about an active fanbase!

One of Mr. Pink’s favorite sites, Brazzers, took home Best Membership Website, beating out Naughty America, Bang Bros, and Reality Kings to nab the trophy once again. Oh, and there were plenty of statues handed to producers, directors (most notably Axel Braun), writers, and cinematographers of parody films both drama and comedy, so if you needed one safe bet for the rest of 2012, it’s that parody porn still doesn’t seem to have worn out its welcome. And, no, I don’t quite know how to feel about that.

Congratulations to all of this years winners and our warmest condolences to the rest of the nominees, and here’s to another great year of good ol’ American porn!