Steaks & BJs: Because You’re Worth It

Steak and Blowjob Day

After hundreds of years of commercially co-opted romance made us guys slaves to our ladies on Valentine’s Day, one frustrated and under-appreciated guy did something about it. Starting out as a small grass roots movement to reserve an annual celebration of all men do to keep their ladies happy but soon becoming an international phenomenon, Steak and BJ Day has come a long, long way and now sees women around the world return to the stove-top or grill then drop to their knees in appreciation of their fellas.

Brazzers is arguably the most macho porn network on the ‘net and, true to its irreverent style, there’s a celebration going on at Real Wife Stories today, Steak and BJ Day 2014, that involves steak (obviously), fellatio (thankfully) and Madison Ivy’s marvelous devotion to dick. Standing on the set of her Cookin’ with Madison Ivy show, the Brazzers contract star professes her fondness for “fat, juicy steak” and encourages viewers to thoroughly “beat their meat” while bending over a counter, giving the crew a glimpse of her ass.

Madison Ivy

Offering the browned porterhouse to her producer husband only to be reminded of his veganism (read: emasculation), Madison denies his request for the BJ, telling us “Vegetarians are such pussies. I’m a carnivore and I like cock.” Brick, who has been manning the camera and stifling an erection, is called to the floor and fills the void left by his herbivorous superior. They chow down on the meat before she does on his, tossing her tiny, tight body around for full carnal effect.

Madison Ivy blowjob

If your Steak and BJ Day isn’t going according to plan, thank your preferred deity for Brazzers and Madison Ivy. (Oh, and that vegan dude, the husband she denied a blowjob? He stood by and watched his wife get plugged by some dude named Brick. What a pussy! Don’t be that guy!)

Madison Ivy cumshot

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#RIPVinePorn

Amateur (and often self-shot) pornography abounds on Twitter, Reddit, Instagram, Tumblr, and pretty much any other online community of like-minded horndogs, but one service has decided to nix the homemade erotica for more family friendly values. Unfortunately, that service is also the one that brought us such delectable digital pleasures as a video Daisy Summers calls “Boobs Blunts and Bubbles”, Jessie Andrews joining Aiden Starr for a two-blonde blowjob (kinda), and Alina Li getting very, very comfortable with beer-drining bro on a sofa.

Boobs Blunts and Bubbles

Sucking Dick with Aiden Starr

Alina Li and friend

That’s right, fellas, Vine recently announced that it would no longer permit users to “post content that is pornographic or sexually explicit – even if it is of yourself or marked as sensitive,” effectively banning both pornstars and amateur exhibitionists from sharing their naked forms. It’s not a complete disaster, though. As history has well proven, repression of sexual expression simply forces the erotically inclined to move underground and to find other services. Curiously, Vine’s owner, Twitter, permits porn in abundance, as does Instagram (even if it claims otherwise), while Reddit is flush with dozens of sexy NSFW subforums where enthusiasts share their accumulated images and exhibitionists share their homemade porn without signing away their identity to some skeezy producer. Then there’s Pornstagram, a service that is basically Instagram for adults only. Isn’t that the beauty of living in the Information Age, though? As soon as one service or product disappears, three arise in its place. The Internet: it’s the hydra of porn!

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Lorelei Lee: Under the Hammer

Lorelei Lee

Fuck the Global Financial Crisis and your own dwindling savings account balance, those intrepid explorers of the furthest reaches of human sexuality, the San Francisco-based studio Kink.com, recently opened bidding on one of the company’s very own directors and performers, Lorelei Lee.

After a previous auction saw one fan pay $42,000 for an intimate private webcam session with Maitresse Madeline, the icy blonde Ms. Lee offers her services to the highest bidder and ensures, whatever his or her kinky preferences, satisfaction. Presented under the Kink Divine Bitches marquee, Lee says this auction aims to “expand the relationship between the fan and the star. They want to worship us, and we want them to worship.” Services available to the winning bidder – who’ll presumably pay much more than the current top bid of $24,200 – include lessons in servitude and submission or the chance to dominate, to completely control this particular Divine Bitch. The winner also receives a complimentary year of Kink.com access, signed photos of Ms. Lee, an HD copy of the private show and, most excitingly, the props used by Ms. Lee during their special time together.

Sure, unless you’re a future oil tycoon, criminal mastermind, or just really, really hard working, you won’t even consider bidding on some time with Lorelei Lee, but those of us that are should probably start seeing if our budgets can accommodate such a rash expenditure. (At least for me, an adult entertainment professional, it’ll be tax deductible!)

Lorelei Lee

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Beatin’ on a Budget! with Naughty America

Naughty America

Home to such legendary sites as My Friend’s Hot Mom, Dirty Wives Club, Naughty Office, Housewife 1-on-1, and Latin Adultery, Naughty America has since 1998 been regarded by fans and critics alike as one of the leading US porn studios and websites. Now seeing recent star turns by relative newcomers like Kleio Valentien, Bonnie Rotten, Siri, and Valentina Nappi appearing alongside the busty MILFs that made NA’s name, and following the launch of a brand-new all-anal site (My Girl Loves Anal), the unveiling of new membership payment options (Bitcoin, gift cards), the increasing number of stunningly detailed 4K-resolution HD movies, and a spring sale, Naughty America is harder to resist than ever before.

THE MATH:
Naughty America’s 38 websites cost a measly 46c each if you take advantage of NA’s current spring membership sale. The collected works of Naughty America’s sites – totaling 3,454 scenes and roughly the same number of photo galleries – have a delightfully low cost-per-scene of only 50c. If you’re somewhat reluctant to throw down the discounted $17.76 for a full month’s membership, Naughty America also offers a three-day limited-access trial for $1.95 that might not give you access to everything, but makes for one fantastic preview.

The birds are out and chirping, the snow has started to melt, and falling icicle fatalities are on the decline, so why not celebrate spring’s arrival by staying indoors, closing the curtains, and emigrating to the real land of sexual opportunity: Naughty America.

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Bitcoin vs Goat

BitcoinHaving outlined the various adult entertainment companies now accepting payment via controversial cryptocurrency Bitcoin in a previous missive, I’m pleased to announce that we’ve covered the less hilarious parts of the discussion and we can now turn our attention to goats.

Goat

In a move that surprised everyone (except perhaps those lifelong goat herders who’ve spent hours upon hours attempting to elucidate their fellow man as to the appeal of Capra aegagrus hircus, the domestic goat), Zero Tolerance announced that it would not be joining the ranks of Bitcoin-adopting adult websites and, in fact, that it was far more likely to start taking and making payments in horned livestock than in any faddish cryptocurrency. And it kinda makes sense, too. After all, with the largest Bitcoin market offline (Silk Road).

As Zero Tolerance’s Michael Mpahlca declared in his pseudo-manifesto, “We have ‘Zero Tolerance’ for make-believe money that spikes or craters in value on an hourly basis. On the other hand, goats have proven to have real value for centuries and can easily be traded for other goods or services in just about every region of the world.” (So, goats rule in Vietnam then?) Mpahlca continued his missive: “When you look at the relevant livestock pricing index you can also quickly see that the goat market, unlike Bitcoins, moves for intelligible reasons grounded in logical and trackable analytics – something all prudent online adult companies take seriously in our planning.”

While the usefulness, even necessity of goats has long been thought to have an impending expiration date, this particular horned livestock has, according to AVN, “remained one of the most efficient methods of clearing fields, providing milk or calming other animals.” Mpahlca confirms ZTOD’s stance on payments made with goats in the final lines of his statement, easing the minds of affiliates and colleagues everywhere. “When someone sends their traffic to ZTOD, they will get paid every penny, euro, or goat they are entitled to – every time – and neither their hard-earned revenue no ours will be subjected to the rampant speculation and market fluctuation that plagues the Bitcoin world.”

Bleat that, Bitcoin!

Langohrziege

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