Cheese Fucker prowls Mayfair, PA!!! Caught!! Released!

Swiss Cheese Pervert

Unless you’ve been sticking your dick in the holes found in a slice of Swiss cheese, going online to locate women who’ll watch your dairy-fed antics, and even approaching startled ladies in public in failed attempts to coax them into participating in your little pastime, I’d say your fetishes are probably under control, unlike the “Swiss-cheese Pervert” of Philadelphia’s Mayfair region.

Awareness of the alleged deviant’s activities gained ground after being posted on a Mayfair TownWatch Facebook page. Community outrage spread and more victims came forward claiming, much like Priscilla [surname redacted] who managed to snap a cell phone pic of the perp after he propositioned her, that the man intended to hire them to observe his rubbing his genitals with slices of Swiss cheese. Priscilla shared her photo of the suspect (and his cheese) with authorities and shortly after they arrested one Christopher Pagano of Norristown. Described by neighbors as “a weirdo” who “used to come outside in his underwear with no shirt,” 41-year-old Pagano was charged with stalking and harassment as well as open lewdness before being released on $30,000 bail.

To get to the bottom of all this depravity we must turn to that most revealing of adult social media sites, OkCupid, on which the lonely legions declare themselves and their various kinks and curiosities open for judgement. Contacting twenty-year-old (and curiously named) Gabby Chest of Bridesburg in 2012, Pagano is reported to have offered significant details of his sitophilia, the total of which can be viewed at PhillyMag and is best digested on an empty stomach. (Note: somewhat tellingingly, Pagano misspells “arrangement” as “arraignment”.)

 

Rabbi Dildo in Masturpiece Drama

Masturpiece's Rampant Rabbi“You wanna make dildos in the image of the Queen, Count Dracula, a genie, and a rabbi? And you don’t think it’ll land you in hot water?”

Despite the protestations I’m sure he suffered through, entrepreneur Shed Simove embarked on his latest and arguably most controversial business endeavor, Masturpieces. Modeled after Her Royal Highness, the immortal blood sucker portrayed by Bela Lugosi, the bottled-up granter of three wishes, and a teacher of the Torah, Masturpieces are dildos produced in limited runs and commanding fairly steep prices.

Now, you might assume it’d be the general Jewish community (as no doubt represented by some self-appointed leading body) that has complained about Masturpiece’s Rampant Rabbi, but fellow adult retailer Ann Summers. Usually associated with the staple of its business, women’s undergarments, Ann Summers also produces the “world’s most popular sex toy,” the Rampant Rabbit vibrator. After Simove’s application for trademark on his Rampant Rabbi was thwarted by a challenge from the retail giant, the self-styled “Ideas Man” simply decided to forgo trademarking his creation. “I can’t trademark it but I’m still using the name. I don’t think there is any confusion between the products,” he told the Daily Star.

What do you think? Should this comedian, “serial entrepreneur,” author, and motivational speaker relent and choose a different name for his culturally irreverent work of phallic devotion or is he cutting it a little too close to a well-known brand and protected trademark? Could you or your ladyfriend possibly mistake one for the other? (Perhaps a side-by-side visual comparison is required. If not, it’s at least an amusing image.)

Masturpiece's Rampant Rabbi

Pornstars Eat 24/7

When you make a living thrashing around on a mattress or sofa until you’re nothing but a spent, sweating heap on the floor, it makes sense that you’d be constantly finding yourself famished at strange times of day. Pornstars are no exception to this rule and actually seem to be embracing their reputation as insatiably hungry women as they embrace a fairly new food delivery service called Eat24.

For its part, Eat24 has done what neither Foodler nor GrubHub managed to: use pornography and pornographers as a notable customer base and part of its marketing campaign. After all, when non-performers are browsing the ‘net in the wee hours of the morning and become inundated with pop-up and banner ads, it’s only the nudie ones that catch their attention. After Eat24 found pornstars tweeting compliments “@Eat24″, spreading the word to their fans, the company’s marketing gurus decided advertising on adult websites would be the most obvious way to spread their new brand far and wide to those who’d likely embrace it: porn fans!

Published on Eat24’s blog, How to Advertise on a Porn Website broke down the company’s reasons for heading into NSFW territory. Infographics abound in the post, giving us laypeople a clear idea of why putting burgers, sushi, and subs on sites like PornHub is a stellar marketing strategy. (And why bananas didn’t make the cut.) The data amassed by Eat24’s researchers brought some curious factoids to light, too. Check out the regional results of polls attempting to discern our nation’s “Horngriest” Cities and Most Sensual Foods, as well as more boring subjects only of interest to designers and marketers, subjects like which banner ads solicited the most click-throughs. (Hint: it was this one.)

Eat24

A Cleavage Identi-Kit

Boobs can be confusing and you don’t even need to see that much of them to find yourself bewildered beyond belief. If you fancy yourself something of a breast aficionado, though, put yourself to the test and name for me the following four styles of revealing boob-dressing.

Boobs

If you answered 1. Cleavage, 2. Innerboob, 3. Sideboob, and 4. Underboob, you’re either an expert on female decolletage, wherever it falls, or an avid reader of pseudo-feminist popculture blog Jezebel. In an article entitled “Beyond Cleavage: The Golden Age of Innerboob, Sideboob, & Underboob” writer Katie Dries defines the above terms for today’s modern woman. (Well, and for us dudes who totally didn’t know these terms before their girlfriends or anything…)

Jezebel attempts to categorize all kinds of exposure in Dries’ piece, but uses familiar images of Liz Taylor (cleavage), Miley Cyrus (innerboob), Lindsay Lohan (sideboob), and even bootylicious Beyonce (underboob) to curry her readers’ approbation in the comments; and, of course, to provide some eye candy, too! She even points out a few choice places to find your preferred means of semi-boob ogling, whether you’re an inner-man or a under-guy or a classicist who prefers to ogle from above.

“What is the next big boob trend?” Jezebel asks in closing, “Topboob? Full-on nipple boob?” Whatever it is, color me interested.

Dildo Theft on Pain and Gain Set

Anyone who’s ever been on the set of any reasonably sized film production, porno or otherwise, knows that theft is rampant: theft of credit, theft of ideas, theft in the form of grossly overpaid players, theft of costume items and props. On the set of Michael Bay’s bodybuilding crime hit, Pain and Gain, however, something rather unusual items failed to make it back to the prop truck after shooting: sex toys.

Talking to The Daily Beast, Bay revealed that after he spent $75,000 on a treasure trove of the sex toy industry’s greatest creations, someone or someones managed to take off with a good chunk of them. A confounded Bay explains as best he can:

“We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse. I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they’d stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical. We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but they started disappearing. We were like, “Who is taking the sex toys?”

One cast member not likely to be the culprit is Rebel Wilson, seen below wielding her own artificial bedroom spicer-upper, a pair of nunchaku, that she pulled out when Bay requested the sex scene they were shooting needed to be sexier. Clearly this a woman with a strong arsenal all her own.

Rebel Wilson

Personally, I’m putting my money on Peter “Where is Pancakes House?” Stormare.