Can’t Keep a Danish Nympho Down

Plenty of those working in the adult industry have found themselves up against YouTube’s posted Community Guidelines for posting content deemed inappropriate and unwelcome, too sexually provocative for a general audience. Self-shot pornstar vlogs and adult movie trailers alike have been taken offline after being reported by more conservative users, but movies with worldwide cinema distribution deals have largely been left to flourish in the most expansive marketing tool the industry has ever seen. Until now.

Lars Von Trier

For those unaware, that’s Danish cinema provocateur Lars Von Trier, whose next film’s trailer was recently unleashed upon a global cinema culture wet with anticipation. Then, rather unceremoniously, it was pulled from YouTube, the most visible (and vital) viral video site (and promotional tool) in history. Thankfully, YouTube isn’t the only game in town, leaving Vimeo, Onion’s A.V. Club, and numerous other outlets to run the highly explicit, defiantly NSFW trailer uncensored. And, surpassing most expectations (at least the more puerile ones) and following on from a series of orgasmically evocative character posters, the trailer’s loaded with explicit imagery that should persuade you to ignore the more intolerable heart-wrenching films of Von Trier’s past and at least give Nymphomaniac, which is reported to run 5½ hours in its full cut, a devoted fast-forwarding.

For the trainspotters out there that still need to be convinced to check out the trailer, here’s a brief rundown of the carnally adventurous treasures it contains:

– Graphic (if brief) shot of labia in repose.
– Charlotte Gainsbourg crawling naked, sucking dick, and fucking on a hospital bed.
– … and beaten black and blue.
– A proposed virginity-shedding.
– Uma Thurman referring to a “Whoring bed,” before screaming her lungs out.
– A bare-assed caning, complete with instructions and corrections.
– Stacy Martin wiping what appears to be ejaculate from her lip and breathing “Wow.”
– Shia LaBeouf licking a nipple.
– Some crying.
– A few pretentious lines of voiceover.
– and Rammstein.

Nymphomaniac, in its truncated form, is set a Dec. 25 US release. Learn more at the official website and, for now at least, just watch the damn trailer!

Nymphomaniac Official Trailer from Zentropa on Vimeo.

Carcinogenic Pussies Destroy Hollywood

We open on Hollywood Blvd. It’s early on a Saturday afternoon. An unlicensed Elmo-costumed street performer coaxes a tourist into parting with $5 for a photo. T-shirt vendors restock their displays with product as another happy customer walks off with an unlicensed “Dude Abides” tee. The right wall of the vendor’s store suddenly collapses, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare startled at the wreckage. The ground starts shaking and the locals duck into doorways and under structural supports. Then, towering over the five-story Hollywood and Highland center, bounding in from the east comes a colossal pussy, its thundering queefs blowing eardrums as it hurls HPV bombs at the people on the street below.

Well, that’s not quite what happened, but Michael Douglas did last week tell the Guardian that a cause, if not the cause, of the throat cancer he recently recovered from was the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) transmitted orally to him via cunnilingus. Yeah, that’s right he nuzzled up to an HPV-infected woman (not necessarily his wife; he is a tinsel town legend, after all) and now believes that particular activity was what led to a tumor at the base of his tongue; not years of heavy drinking, smoking, and God knows what else, but eating pussy.

While you may scoff at the notion of oral sex causing cancer, the CDC claims HPV leads to throat cancer in 1,700 women and 6,700 men annually. In fact, data offered by the American Association for the Advancement of Science suggests tobacco has been knocked from its top spot as the leading cause of oral (neck, mouth, and throat) cancer in men by HPV. An noted in CNN’s article on Douglas’ revelation, according to Dr. Anil Chaturvedi of the National Cancer Institute “The precise reasons for the survival benefits are not clear, but tumors in HPV-positive patients tend to have less genetic damage. Because of that, they are more responsive to cancer therapies like radiation treatment.”

Anyone who’s seen Douglas’ turn as he of the mirrored piano and impossible pomp, Liberace, in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra, can certainly attest to the actor/producer’s recovery: it’s his most dynamic and accomplished role in years.

Universal Pictures Sues Fifty Shades Parodists

Fifty Shades of Grey XXXUniversal Pictures might be developing the official film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, the hit erotic fiction trilogy that has had sexually unsatisfied American women all in a tizzy these past months, but it’s not the only entertainment entity attempting to capture the seductive and salacious BDSM-infused story of a virginal college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and dominant business magnate, Christian Grey. Smash Pictures, an adult entertainment studio based out of Chatsworth, California has already completed production on its adaptation, an unofficial one that is now drawing the ire of Universal and the attention of its lawyers. Objecting to Smash’s making a film that flagrantly contradicts the right of Universal, which reportedly paid $4 million for E. L. James’ best sellers in early 2012, to produce its version, which the studio is reportedly negotiating with Angelina Jolie directing and Ryan Gosling taking the role of young multi-millionaire and devoted ass-man, Grey. Smash Pictures, however, contends that only it can do the novels justice.

Universal’s complaint states “By lifting exact dialogue, characters, events, story, and style from the Fifty Shades trilogy, Smash Pictures ensured that the first XXX adaptation was, in fact, as close as possible to the original works.” Smash VP Stuart Wall, named in the complaint alongside Smash owner Daniel Quinn and writer/director Jim Powers, told LA Weekly’s Barbie Davenporte about the company’s recent turn to more romantic fare after years of more explicit stuff, and called their Fifty Shades adaptation “very true to the book and its S&M-themed romance.” Davenporte added “And while parodies are the only way adult film studios can make money these days, making a ‘Fifty Shades’ version is truly the only way to put the three erotic novels in film in their BDSM glory without the MPAA censorship and film industry finger-wagging.” But if Smash and Powers are actually aiming for as close an adaptation as possible, does their claim to fair use of parody, the same legal protection that allows so many other porn parodies to exist, not apply? Without the clear distinction between the two versions of Fifty Shades, Smash’s and Universal’s, and the former already on shelves as the official one slugs through development and preproduction, both parties stand to make or loss a killing.