Re-Gifting for Porn’s Sake

The holiday season traditionally sees an exchange of gifts between friends and family members, tokens of appreciation for putting up with each others’ idiosyncrasies and issues for another year. Unfortunately, the desire to give the perfect (or at least perfectly usable) gift often outweighs the personal element. Case in point: the gift card.

gift cards pay for porn

Handed out en masse every holiday season and easily purchased from supermarkets, gas stations, corner stores, 7-Elevens, and many other vendors, a gift card entitles the bearer to spend a predetermined, stated amount at a corresponding store. But what if you loathe L.L.Bean’s collegiate winter wear, object to Wal-Mart’s dominance of national and now international retail, or simply won’t set foot in a DSW for fear of contaminating your feet with the stench of others’? What do you do with your apparently useless gift cards then? Why, purchase some porn, of course!

With a number of adult sites and networks now accepting payment via store-affiliated gift card, I thought a rundown of such smut vendors would serve to enlighten you, dear readers, as to your spending options. And, hey, think of this way: when your father-in-law asks what you ended up buying from Home Depot, you can let him know that whacking it to Jayden Jaymes’s marvelous heaving breasts was more important than a new ball-peen hammer. Maybe.

Spend your unwanted gift cards at the following adult emporiums and ensure no gift card goes to waste. The gift card in my wallet, a $15 Starbucks card, could buy you the following membership stints at the following sites (with duration and price changing per gift card brand and value):

– 16 days with the amply-titted anal-loving fuck-freaks of Brazzers.
– 26 days with Naughty America’s MILFs and housewives and step-sisters.
– 9 days of ogling DDF Network’s European goddesses, foot fetishists, teen lesbians, and busty beauties.
– 30 days marveling at Videobox’s impossibly wide range of on-demand smut.
– 14 days, a solid fortnight, checking out the legendary Hustler archives.
– 14 days with Spizoo, the 13-site globe-trotting pornstar-fucking extravaganza.

Conditions apply, of course (minimum $10 balance, certain card brands only) but at least there’s finally a way to rid yourself of hard plastic currency usable only at unsexy stores that most certainly don’t stock Interracial Booty Intruders, Mommy Needs Money #2, or an HD version of Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge.

 

America’s Naughtiest Ice Bucket Challenge

jillian jansonDumping a bucket of ice-cold water over your head might seem like an idiotic use of one’s time, but the thousands of celebrities, politicians, athletes, and everyday folks like you and I who’ve done exactly that in the name of raising awareness of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS; aka ‘Lou Gehrig’s Disease’), a progressive neurodegenerative disease affecting the brain’s nerve cells and the spinal cord. Hey, raising awareness of an often fatal disease and promoting donations to ALS Association, a charity focused on ALS care, can only be a good thing, right? Not exactly, some critics say, citing severe global water shortages and the hazy instructions for the challenge – so, if I dump the bucket I don’t have to pay but if I don’t dump the bucket, I do? – though naysayers didn’t stop Naughty America jumping on the bandwagon.

“Social media is stressing me out!” complains Naughty Rich Girl Jillian Janson to her butler, Johnny Sins, before asking him to explain to her the whole Ice Bucket Challenge brouhaha. “There’s something about freezing to death that just doesn’t rub me the right way,” she says, “Can’t you just make this all go away?” Sins offers his services, to which Ms. Janson curiously responds in a most forward manner. “What, do I need to have sex with you to make you do something for me? Ok, well, whip it out!”

jillian janson

Clearly abusing her professional hold on him, Janson does indeed take Sins’s growing dick out his neatly pressed trousers, leading him into a couch-based coupling that ends with Sins depositing a little something inside Ms. Janson, soiling her body and dress in the process. Afterwards, she heads outside for some sun, only to be met by a bucket-wielding Sins who now says he, having just won the lottery, is quitting. He raises the jumbo red bucket high above the suntanning Ms. Janson before overturning it and drenching her (appropriately white-shirted) body with the icy water.

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Sure, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and the dialog is particularly stilted and unrealistic, but at least Naughty America’s contribution to the #1 viral marketing hit of 2014, the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is for a good cause. Isn’t it? Someone donated something, didn’t they?

 

Naughty America on Roku!

Naughty America

Naughty America, the nation’s most patriotic online pornography network, has been filling the homes, phones, and workplace computers of Americans with hardcore sexuality since 2004. Now, however, it has its sights set on your living room – and not via your DVD player, either. Roku, the streaming video player that brings HTTP Live Streaming to your living room television, hasn’t exactly been overflowing with decent adult entertainment options since its launch back in 2008. A few big shots like Videobox, FyreTV, and Reality Kings took to Roku to expand the reach of their services, but most adult entities for some odd reason stayed away. Naughty America’s recent revelation of a dedicated NA Roku channel, then, was like a biblical decree from a mountaintop: “Thou shalt watcheth pornographs in the comfort of thine own living room or home theater!”

Naughty America’s Roku channel doesn’t carry over all the features that have made Naughty America such a perpetual favorite amongst smut fans – noticeably absent is a good chunk of the complete video collection and the recently unveiled 4K High Definition video format – but there’s certainly a strong selection of material already online, with more coming every day. Naughty America’s Roku app currently offers existing members TV access to their Favorites, as well as Latest Scenes and Featured Scenes, and the work of Featured Pornstars featured on the legendary network. Roku users can also examine the contents of 33 Naughty America sites and view their selections in both 720p and 1080p resolutions. Best of all, there’s no delay between an update going live on the website and it being added to NA’s Roku selections.

Ok, Bang Bros, Brazzers, Porn Pros, Team Skeet and any other adult network wanting to remain relevant in this, the 21st Century‚Ķ now it’s your turn to attempt a take over of the living rooms of America.

Beatin’ on a Budget! with Naughty America

Naughty America

Home to such legendary sites as My Friend’s Hot Mom, Dirty Wives Club, Naughty Office, Housewife 1-on-1, and Latin Adultery, Naughty America has since 1998 been regarded by fans and critics alike as one of the leading US porn studios and websites. Now seeing recent star turns by relative newcomers like Kleio Valentien, Bonnie Rotten, Siri, and Valentina Nappi appearing alongside the busty MILFs that made NA’s name, and following the launch of a brand-new all-anal site (My Girl Loves Anal), the unveiling of new membership payment options (Bitcoin, gift cards), the increasing number of stunningly detailed 4K-resolution HD movies, and a spring sale, Naughty America is harder to resist than ever before.

THE MATH:
Naughty America’s 38 websites cost a measly 46c each if you take advantage of NA’s current spring membership sale. The collected works of Naughty America’s sites – totaling 3,454 scenes and roughly the same number of photo galleries – have a delightfully low cost-per-scene of only 50c. If you’re somewhat reluctant to throw down the discounted $17.76 for a full month’s membership, Naughty America also offers a three-day limited-access trial for $1.95 that might not give you access to everything, but makes for one fantastic preview.

The birds are out and chirping, the snow has started to melt, and falling icicle fatalities are on the decline, so why not celebrate spring’s arrival by staying indoors, closing the curtains, and emigrating to the real land of sexual opportunity: Naughty America.

Naughty America Busts Out 4K

Naughty America

According to various consumer reports, approximately 1.9 million people bought a 4K television in 2013. In other words, 4K TVs barely made a dent in one of the nation’s and the world’s most reliable markets: American television consumers. Sales projections made by research group NPD DisplaySearch, however, indicate that 2014 is set to be the year 4K High Definition video takes over your home theater with the production of 27 million 4K TV panels already underway in China this year. Chinese retail prices are also set to drop from their lofty USD $1,700-minimum cost to a far more affordable sub-$1,000 range. Naturally, the rest of the world will quickly follow suit. Hell, Naughty America’s already leading the stateside charge with the recent unveiling of their latest upgrade: 4K High Definition Naughty America porn!

To celebrate the dawn of a new year, Naughty America announced the arrival of the strongest, most dazzling video upgrade in the company’s history, unveiling a trailer video as incredibly detailed as it is undeniably arousing. Featuring brief appearances by Chanel Preston, Lisa Ann, Phoenix Marie, and sultry newcomer August Aimes, the trailer reaches a new and impressive level of detail that allows your to visually separate hairs that even in 1080p seemed clumped together; skin tones, performers’ eyes (especially in POV), and, of course, the remarkably detailed and lifelike genital imagery are all sights to behold. And you’ll be beholding them not in the almost-4K you see on TV broadcasts but in the full 4095x2160p resolution, avoiding the confusion many would-be 4K fans run into when making a purchase.

Clearly, Naughty America has decided not to cut corners or keep in line with the underachieving majority, but to press onwards and upwards toward their vision of porn so lifelike, so realistic, so almost-but-not-quite-tangible that it really is the next best thing to, say, slamming Veronica Avluv from behind while she devours the sopping snatch of Jynx Maze, who stares you in the face and invites you to invade not only her ass, but both their asses. (Now tell me a 4K TV, hopefully a reasonably affordable one, isn’t on your shopping list!)