Ronda Rousey’s Slippery Sex Tips

Ronda Rousey

She may be one of the most Googled female athletes in recent memory, and world champion in her chosen sport, a Hollywood player with mainstream movie cameos, and now the author of a sex and dating advice column for men’s mag Maxim, but Ronda Rousey probably shouldn’t be dispensing sex tips or criticizing others practices until she’s learned a few things about the variability of human sexual response.

Telling Maxim reader “Jack, 36, Los Angeles” that using lubricant is a sign of sexual inadequacy, impatience, and disregard for a woman’s arousal is just plain irresponsible. Italicizing her response because she’s so damn sure it’s correct, Rousey says “You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, then you’re being lazy.” So every post-menopausal woman who suffers from vaginal dryness has a lazy lover? Those couples dealing with sexual anxiety or a disconnected physical response or under the haze of a nice strain of cannabis sativa might also find the lower regions a little less moist than your average folks.

Though the idea that any guy reaching for a tube to lube his partner isn’t taking his time has an iota of validity, there’s always those guys and couples who prefer longer bouts of intercourse, something lube no doubt helps extend without rawness and irritation ruining an epic coital congress. And then, Ms. Rousey, there’s the marvelous world of anal intercourse, something that would hardly be comfortable enough to pursue without the aid of additional lubrication.

Dudes, Maxim readers, sexually active humans… Don’t listen to Ronda. Load up on lube and see how smooth your sex life can be. And, if you must listen to Ronda, at least listen to Kleio Valentien as Ronda ArouseMe in Burning Angel’s hit porn parody. Trust me, it lasts longer than most Rousey bouts and is very wet indeed.

WoodRocket and Rule #34

When was the last time anybody but Axel Braun was so universally celebrated for parodying pop-culture icons in hardcore adult movies? Even some holders of the intellectual properties being parodied admitted first to a curiosity then, an interest, and finally an appreciation of the irreverent super-hero, comic book, TV, and movie-lampooning releases. Well, move on over, Mr. Braun ’cause it looks like your bombastic mega-budget mockbusters could be under threat from the studio that’s proving to be more punk rock than mainstream pop, more Brain Candy than Awakenings, if you will. That studio is WoodRocket.

woodrocket

Founded by Lee Roy Myers, among others, WoodRocket’s bizarre blending of slapstick comedy, pop-culture parody, hardcore porn, and social satire have made it one of the most promising new studios to pop up in some time. Having already pushed porn parodies further than anyone ever thought – SpongeKnob SquareNuts, Sex Toy Story, and even that Jerry-Seinfeld-and-pal-driving-around web series thing, they’ve all been WoodRocket subjects – the studio could have started to focus more on its non-porn webseries James Deen Loves Food and Memes I’d Like to Fuck (see below) or on outlandish projects like a life-size Darth Vader built from sex toys. Parodies have remained an essential part of WoodRocket, though, and we’re now seeing the most courageous and inventive skewering of pop-culture icons since Edward Penishands quietly became a cult comedy hit.

edward penishands

Apparently feeling that squirts and stoners shouldn’t get to have all the cartoonish fun, Myers and company followed up SpongeKnob and Sex Toy Story with Strokemon, the first live-action Pokemon parody starring Rizzo Ford as Dikachu, who’s given a solid working-over by Gash (Tyler Nixon) and Fisty (Kassondra Raine) and just go damn squeals the whole time. Now, I’ll admit to being a bit too long in the tooth to understand the less obvious Pokemon references and jokes, but where the recent Bill and Ted’s SEXcellent Adventure-parodying photoshoot starring Lily Bergman, Jessica Dawn, and Vuko as Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan, and the history-spanning cast of influential figures from Lincoln to Beethoven, Genhis Kahn to Joan of Arc is concerned, I’m so on-board it’s ridiculous.

Bill and Ted's SEXcellent Adventure

Whatever your pop-culture fancy, be it Naked Lunch or The Nanny, WoodRocket’s likely to have considered skewering it with sex, proving that just because it made you laugh in your teens doesn’t mean it can’t be masturbation fodder of the highest caliber in your adult years.

The Sadist is Present

Top Grl

There are porn parodies and then there are porn movies that use existing cultural artifacts to create their own take on a popular subject. Most porn parodies use television or movies or comic books or public sex scandals as the basis of their hardcore, but Intersec Interactive has significantly different tastes than most pornography studios and has therefore opted to tackle a rather unusual subject for one of Top Grl’s challenging femdom sessions: Serbian artist Marina Abramović’s landmark 736-hour-and-30-minute performance piece, The Artist is Present.

thesadistispresent

Devised and performed by Abramović for MOMA’s 2010 retrospective of her work, The Artist is Present saw a still and silent Abramović seated before gallery patrons, many of whom were moved to tears by nothing but the artist’s returned gaze. This might seem an odd sort of artwork to influence porn production, but Intersec Interactive is an odd sort of company. One of Kink.com’s few genuine competitors, Intersec has unleashed via Top Grl a scene entitled The Sadist is Present that, although using an unchanging endurance performance piece as its inspiration, thankfully offers a bit more activity than Abramović’s now legendary work.

Mona Wales has taken a seat, naked except for tall heels, when in walks Bonnie Day. Stunned, Bonnie receives her command: Make yourself comfortable. Ordered to strip in front of the embodiment of the perfect female figure, Bonnie follows each subsequent instruction to the letter, whether it’s kneeling in a pile of stiff rice grains, flogging herself with a cat o’ nine tails, and even peeling an onion only to use it as a masturbatory device.

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This is some weird shit, y’all, and it’s highly entertaining even though the rest of the scene takes place not in a gallery space but in a fairly typical bondage rack in some dank basement cum dungeon somewhere. More sadistic physical abuse is on the cards, only it uses the same tropes and tools found in most hardcore BDSM work. Clearly, then, art and porn are becoming increasingly intertwined (as also evidenced by the rise of publicly advertised and accessible erotic art shows and film festivals) but still have some way to go. For all the efforts of Mona Wales, Bonnie Day, and the Top Grl and Intersec teams, they still fall short of the epic commitment required by Abramović. But, hey, it’s a swell start!

Learn more about Marina Abramović at Artsy.