Just Because They Suck You… Doesn’t Mean They Like You!

Clerks XXXIt’s not inconceivable that even before the rise of parody porn, wannabe Hollywood auteur Kevin Smith hoped and dreamed that his debut feature film, Clerks, would strike such a chord with contemporary society that it’d eventually be turned into something even more pornographic than his dialogue. Now, almost twenty years after Clerks’ 1994 release, a Clerks porn parody is available from Vivid Entertainment.

Providing the Clerks slackers with far more sexual opportunities than the original film, Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody sees Allie Haze and Lexi Swallow fill the presumably loosely-tied boots of Dante and Randall as Dana and Randi, who spend their workday embroiled in all sorts of lewd and lascivious (and presumably humorous) situations. Joining Haze and Swallow are Chastity Lynn as Jane and Kelly Devine as Silent Bertha, the gender-bending XXX versions of Jay and Silent Bob. Other performers include Jayden Lee, Seth Gamble, Brian Street Team, and Evan Stone as the most obnoxious series of customers imaginable – yes, every one.

Clerks XXX is now available for viewing at Vivid’s online HQ, but those who want the full “rise of the indies” experience should pick up the DVD release, which includes a non-hardcore black-and-white version. Although with presumably better dialog recordings than Smith’s original. Oh, and Smith has been unusually silent about this highly explicit tribute, perhaps too immersed in his adored and officially endorsed Fleshlight to pay it much mind.

Spice Up Your Solo Sex Life

British four-piece pop group, The Spice Girls might’ve seemed naff at their heyday in 1997, but no matter how well cultivated your musical tastes might have been, you still knew them by their nicknames and precocious “Girl Power” ideology. And now, thanks to Jordan Septo, the master of the musically-inclined porn parodies, you’ll get to see Sporty, Scary, Ginger, Posh, and Baby Spice in refashions the biggest-selling girl group of all time as wannabe (geddit?) pornstars.

Spice Girls XXX

Following on from the success of Saturday Night Fever XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody and OMG… It’s the Flashdance XXX Parody, Septo has shifted focus to more recent nostalgia acts with the rather predictably titled OMG… It’s the Spice Girls Parody. With ol’ reliable Evan Stone taking the paternal role of the Spice Girls’ manager, Simon Fuller, the rest of the cast have been plucked from all stratas of the adult industry and given the chance to fill the tallest platforms in porn history. As Scary Spice (Melanie Brown), ring-locked Misty Stone gleefully strides with a buoyant smile and leopard-print catsuit. One of porn’s signature redheads, Dani Jensen seems a fairly appropriate fit for Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell), but doesn’t quite fill out her signature Union Jack dress well enough, if you ask me. Baby Spice (Emma Bunton) is played by an effervescent and effusively girly Jessie Rogers, who dons a candy colored dress and pigtails. As the future wife of footballer David Beckham, Allie Haze does her best Posh Spice (Victoria Adams) impersonation in, what else but a little black Gucci dress. The incredibly fit (in more ways than one) Dani Daniels, hot on the heels of her breakthrough feature role for Elegant Angel, tackles arguably the most difficult Spice Girl, Sporty (Melanie Chisolm), who, thanks to her trim, boyish figure was unfortunately labelled “the lesbo one”.

I don’t know about you fellas, but I’ve been ogling the Spice Girls for years ever since Say You’ll Be There, so I’ve no complaints about this particular parody. What, though, of the precedent Septo’s latest effort sets? Where do we go from here, porn parodies of other musical acts? An Abba parody would be loads of fun, as would a parody focusing on the legendary sexual exploits of some famous rock studs – Hendrix and Cynthia Plaster-Caster, Led Zep and a tuna, both the Glimmer and the Toxic Twins perhaps – but history dictates the end result will be something nobody wants to see: Nickelback porn.

(At least there’s already a fitting soundtrack.)

Universal Pictures Sues Fifty Shades Parodists

Fifty Shades of Grey XXXUniversal Pictures might be developing the official film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, the hit erotic fiction trilogy that has had sexually unsatisfied American women all in a tizzy these past months, but it’s not the only entertainment entity attempting to capture the seductive and salacious BDSM-infused story of a virginal college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and dominant business magnate, Christian Grey. Smash Pictures, an adult entertainment studio based out of Chatsworth, California has already completed production on its adaptation, an unofficial one that is now drawing the ire of Universal and the attention of its lawyers. Objecting to Smash’s making a film that flagrantly contradicts the right of Universal, which reportedly paid $4 million for E. L. James’ best sellers in early 2012, to produce its version, which the studio is reportedly negotiating with Angelina Jolie directing and Ryan Gosling taking the role of young multi-millionaire and devoted ass-man, Grey. Smash Pictures, however, contends that only it can do the novels justice.

Universal’s complaint states “By lifting exact dialogue, characters, events, story, and style from the Fifty Shades trilogy, Smash Pictures ensured that the first XXX adaptation was, in fact, as close as possible to the original works.” Smash VP Stuart Wall, named in the complaint alongside Smash owner Daniel Quinn and writer/director Jim Powers, told LA Weekly’s Barbie Davenporte about the company’s recent turn to more romantic fare after years of more explicit stuff, and called their Fifty Shades adaptation “very true to the book and its S&M-themed romance.” Davenporte added “And while parodies are the only way adult film studios can make money these days, making a ‘Fifty Shades’ version is truly the only way to put the three erotic novels in film in their BDSM glory without the MPAA censorship and film industry finger-wagging.” But if Smash and Powers are actually aiming for as close an adaptation as possible, does their claim to fair use of parody, the same legal protection that allows so many other porn parodies to exist, not apply? Without the clear distinction between the two versions of Fifty Shades, Smash’s and Universal’s, and the former already on shelves as the official one slugs through development and preproduction, both parties stand to make or loss a killing.

Sexing Up Breaking Bad

Breaking Bad XXXBeing a relatively minor player in the porn parody game hasn’t stopped Sweet Mess Films from tackling a critically acclaimed, almost universally revered television show that has been personally one of the greatest television shows I have ever seen – and the company has landed some top talent, too, with Lexi Belle, Tasha Reign, Brandy Aniston, and Presidential write-in candidate Ron Jeremy all nabbing roles. The title? Breaking Bad XXX: A Sweet Mess Films Parody.

Rodney Moore, an AVN Hall of Fame luminary and keen observer of the state of the adult industry, wrote the script to this, the first Breaking Bad porn parody, as a commentary on the looming threat Measure B held over the porn world, but he and director David Lord have managed to infuse the movie with plenty of laughs and libidinous activity, too, according to Jerry E., owner of distributor Exquisite Films. “Rodney Moore and David Lord have created a fantastic movie, which is as funny and sexy as it is politically charged,” E. said.

The plot sees Walt (Alec Knight), a university film studies professor diagnosed with terminal cancer and, worse, erectile disfunction, take California’s recent laws outlawing pornography production, distribution, and consumption and the banning of sexual enhancement drugs to heart. Armed with nothing but his wits, grounding in film theory, and a film student cum pornstar sidekick, Walt sets about rectifying the dismal state of sexual commerce stifling California’s collective libido.

Everyone – and I do mean everyone; at least, everyone I’ve ever discussed it with – seems to rave about Breaking Bad, and with Sweet Mess and Exquisite films gathering parody-fueled popularity after an hilarious take on The Addams Family, Breaking Bad XXX has a huge built-in audience and will likely be the only take on this phenomenally successful pop-culture property that I’ll bother with.

Breaking Bad XXX: A Sweet Mess Films Parody is out now and stars Alec Knight, Lexi Belle, Tasha Reign, Brandy Aniston, Kimberly Kane, Chanel Preston, Andy San Dimas, Eric Masterson, Steven St. Croix, Derrick Pierce, James Bartholet, and Ron Jeremy.

The Force is Strong with Axel Braun

Star Wars XXX parodyWith The Walt Disney Company having just purchased Lucasfilm and all its properties and holdings from chairman, founder, and sole owner, Star Wars creator George Lucas, you might assume porn parodies of Lucasfilm properties have been put on the back burner until the intended parodists can gauge what Disney’s reaction to seeing their latest intellectual property acquisitions dishing out blowjobs and being primed for anal penetration might be. Porn parody master Axel Braun, however, waits for no mouse.

Riding the wave of Star Wars-related news with their own announcement that pre-production on sequels to existing the Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody has already begun, Braun and Vivid Entertainment now hope to have the next parody out by this time next year. “We expect adult movie fans will continue to have an interest in our adult Star Wars parody movies, so we’ve decided to add a third parody film to the two we already have in pre-production,” Braun told AVN., cementing the fourth Star Wars parody and lighting the fires of anticipation in many a fanboy’s loins.

Braun’s first Lucas-unaffiliated effort has been the breakout porn parody success of recent years and even had pop culture site Die Screaming praising the feature for “managing to keep true to the look and feel of the original source material, while injecting a healthy amount of tongue-in-cheek humor,” and praising both the “amazing” graphics and the “dead-on” casting.

If you still haven’t seen Braun’s original Star Wars parody, maybe this SFW trailer will convince you to seek it out. But don’t be alarmed: that sensation you feel rising from just below your guts and urging you to stroke your lightsaber… that’s the force.