The Return of Fuck Team Five

These days, Bang Bros is known more for its parade of eager porno newbies and bonafide stars performing in casual, colorful one-on-one scenes. Even though Bang Bus is still going strong, it’s not as often associated with porn culture like it was years ago. Brown Bunnies, Big Tit Cream Pie, and My Dirty Maid all deliver solid HD hardcore on a regular basis, but there are some fans who have missed the more anarchic Bang Bros adventures of old, the kind that had them seen as the scourge of our porn-viewing populace. Those days may be returning, if the recent resurgence of activity at Fuck Team Five is any indication.

Bang Bros

Fuck Team Five concerns, as its name suggests, a crew of pornstars (sometimes five-strong) roaming the streets saving lives and sucking dicks. Well, sort of. Fuck Team Five episodes of yore were kind of like a roving gang of women roping random dudes into impromptu orgies and it seems the new episodes are basically following suit. The first to arrive on May 26, ‘Porn Casting Surprise!’ sees Krissy Lynn, Rose Monroe, and Valentina Jewels surprise a studio waiting room full of male porno hopefuls with a wild, orgiastic audition. Throwing their ample curves around until the handful of guys who manage to get hard are left utterly speechless, this (the return of Fuck Team Five?) seemed almost too good to be true.

Then, four weeks later, another one hit. This time the setup is more familiar. In ‘We’re Taking Over,’ Rose Monroe returns, along with Brandi Bee and one of porn’s most devastating seductresses, Ariella Ferrera, to take over a t-shirt printshop, finding at least one dick to play with but, more importantly, Stella Ray, a curvy, tattooed employee who couldn’t be more down to fuck our three porn goddesses.

We may have to wait another month before the next Fuck Time Five adventure pops up to amaze and appall different segments of the American public, but it’s not like Bang Bros is a network devoid of hugely entertaining HD fuckery, so if you like your porn truly wild and exuberant, go see your Bros.

Bang Bros review

Bang Bros Go Green with St. Paddy’s Double

The one day every year on which everyone (of a certain level of intoxication) claims to be Irish, St. Patrick’s Day, is right around the corner and (if you’ll allow your faithful porn critic to offer his suggestion for your Saturday) the online pornosphere is already donning tight green hot-pants, getting loaded on whiskey and Guinness, and throwing itself at you, the nearest available warm body, in search of some company. What do you say, folks? Care for a boozy romp with two bold new porno revelations courtesy of our ol’ pals the Bang Bros?

Honey Gold

First to arrive at Bang Bros HQ this St. Paddy’s Day season, landing at Bang Bros 18 on Wednesday, was a curvaceous, thick-lipped expert cock-rider, sultry Chinese-American newcomer Jade Kush, who threw herself at her scolding stepfather in lieu of taking her ultra-slutty outfit to a party as planned. Ryan McLane takes the reigns and has the Chicago-born Ms. Kush sliding up and down his glistening shillelagh with the camera capturing some stunning rear-end shots.

Having avoided the total absurdity of much holiday porn in its first offering, Bang Bros leaves it to Brown Bunnies and the always enthusiastic Honey Gold to bring the funnies. Left alone to dress before a big party – perhaps the same one Jade planned to attend; do I smell a threesome? – Honey gives the camera some lusty body-shots as she squeezes into a tight white top and green booty shorts, spied on the whole time by her peeping pervert of a stepbrother. Busting him at her barely-cracked bedroom door, she insists on teaching the little fucker a lesson. peeling off her shorts and straddling his face, Honey forces him to devour her “pot of gold” as, again, we’re treated to glorious low-angle shots of her slender body cavorting against his mouth. Soon, she’s demanding cock and sucking it through a literal pot of (fake) gold, squirting on her nice clean bedspread, and taking her kinda-sorta-relative’s load on her tongue, gold coins strewn about her body and the floor.

Now, I know the lure of free-flowing liquor and shit-faced revelry is strong – believe me, I know, I’m sometimes tempted belt out It’s a Long Way to Tipperary after a few too many Connemaras – but with utter pornographic delights such as the two women featured this week at Bang Bros, who needs sunlight, social activity, or genuine human contact, Irish or otherwise?

Bang Bros review

Desperate Times & Desperate Women

Shoplyfter

Whenever there’s a change of government in a major economic power, the market gets a little nervous for a few days, sometimes longer. As it is, we’re still recovering from a brutal financial crisis and some folks, especially those recently leaving college to a uninviting job market, are resorting to desperate measures just to get by. Enter two brand new hardcore sites that focus on a woman’s dismal personal finances and her resourcefulness at overcoming her monetary obstacles.

XXX Pawn launched a while back, just over a year ago, and somehow managed to slip under the radar of many reality-porn fans, tucked away as it was on a second-tier section of the Bang Bros network. Now gaining some traction, the site uses security-cam footage and an HD to camera to capture the illicit happenings in the back office of a pawn and loan shop. Girls enter with a TV or some jewelry and try to drag some money for the proprietor. Hey, he’s struggling, too, and can only pay premium for premium product. Once they go in the back to negotiate a better deal – sometimes leaving her blissfully unaware boyfriend out front plunking an unplugged electric guitar – talk turns from her unwanted valuables to her undressing, perhaps sucking, and eventually fucking the store owner for a cash payment. Sure, it’s coercive and a little twisted, but that’s what makes XXX Pawn so hot. Well, that and the fact that the anonymous girls are largely up-and-coming pornstars like Sklya Novea, Harlow Harrison, Ivy Rose, and Karlee Grey. I can’t exactly imagine Ms. Grey needing to pawn a Playstation now that her career is skyrocketing, but much like shoplifting this does seem to be a fairly widespread problem.

Shoplyfter takes a slightly different approach to helping girls get a leg up, financially speaking. This time the young law-breakers aren’t trying to pawn an old ring or a stack of CDs; they’re not trying to pawn anything. They’re trying to steal. “American retailers lose $45 billion annually to theft,” says the Shoplyfter official preamble and whether or not this number is correct, the folks behind this site are at least doing something about it. Each young woman seen at Shoplyfter no longer has a name, just a case number, a consequence of trying to steal merch from the wrong retailer. You may notice a few familiar faces here, like Dolly Leigh, Bonnie Grey, and Bobbi Dylan, and you’ll definitely be familiar with the studio behind the site: Team Skeet. In true Team Skeet style, Shoplyfter’s busted babes are threatened with legal action only to relent and make a deal with the loss prevention officer.

Now, Shoplyfter pushes even closer than XXX Pawn to endorsing highly questionable activity, but since when is porn a barometer of public morality and legality? In the name of fun and fantasy, can’t we watch someone try to help a sexy young shoplifter avoid jail time in a way that encourages forgiveness, compassion, and the exchange of bodily fluids?