Fleshlights Full of Cash in L.A.

Simple Pickup, a company founded by a few guys eager to prove their ‘game’, aims to provide information and education to sexually frustrated guys in an effort to help them conquer their inhibitions and become that lady-killing ultra-player they’ve always dreamed about. So successful is Simple Pickup that a Change.org petition started by Stop Street Harassment has already garnered 30,000 digital signatures and demands an immediate end to what they see as blatant sexual harassment. Apparently, though, Fleshlight, makers of the best-selling masturbation aid for men, saw Simple Pickup as a great promotional opportunity and gave the three guys behind the service $10,000 to create a promo video for their product.

Instead of investing the ten grand in their production budget, the Simple Pickup dudes decided to stuff genuine US currency into the soft, pliable openings of some 200 Fleshlights and scatter them throughout Los Angeles. Giving out clues via their Twitter and Facebook pages after announcing the find-a-hole contest on YouTube, the guys will keep hinting towards the location of the Fleshlights before finally revealing it in full this Saturday. So far, three clues have been unveiled and the broke and horny of LA are running around with an empty duffel bag over their shoulders.

SimplePickup Fleshlights

“So what, I’m not in LA,” you say, “Why do I give a shit about this giveaway thing?” Well, pal, ’cause the SimplePickups chuds vowed to unleash their hidden Fleshlight bonanza in another city if their announcement video reached 50,000 views – it currently sits at 285,000 views, so your city could be next to have molded vaginas hidden among its beaches and barrooms, its malls, its parks, even perhaps its adult variety emporiums. Follow the clues with #FleshCash and good huntin’, pals!

Masturbation Aid Needs a Helping Handie

We all need a hand every now and then, but when was the last time you thought of helping both yourself and your fellow masturbating man by contributing to the production of a new sexual aid for male use? What, you’ve never tinkered with a DIY fuck-sleeve or tried beating off with an artificially warmed glove and thought of the commercial possibilities? Well, now’s your chance, hot shot!

The Handie

The Handie, invented by Maxx Padilla, is a device intended to assist men in achieving the most powerful self-applied orgasm of their lives. A glove made of “silky soft material” with all manner of contraptions and additions attached to its hand-hugging design, The Handie aims to be the ultimate male masturbation aid by equipping a one-size-fits-most glove with a vibrating bullet, lubrication reservoir and dispenser, grip control, and what is basically a spooge cup. You want one? Yeah, I want one too, but we’re going to have to wait until at least November before The Handie makes any real progress. You see, Padilla is running a funding campaign at IndieGoGo, asking for $69,000 in pledges before he can mass manufacture every masturbator’s dream device.

So, are you dedicated enough to the idea of Ultimate Extreme Masturbation™ that you’ll throw some dough The Handie’s way? Good, ’cause with little more than two grand tallied up so far, Padilla and his team have a long way to go. There’s goodies for you if you do contribute, including the chance to have your very own custom-colored Handie molded by the pornstar of your choice. There’s also stickers and t-shirts, so you can show everyone in your town or social media circle how much of a wanker you really are – if they don’t already.

Two New Wand Massagers to Rock Your Girl

Over the past few years, two sex toys have ruled the market, one intended for use by men and the other by women. While the male Fleshlight toy has seen a number of imitators riding its substantial coattails, the most prominent female aid, the Hitachi Magic Wand has stood alone as the reigning champ of masturbatory tools. Until now, that is.

Doxy Massager

Another plug-in wand-style massager has been proving itself very popular in Europe of late and even claimed the Editor’s Award at the 2014 Erotic Trade Organization Awards. Doxy Massager is its name, applying heavy vibrational force to crucial erogenous zones is its game. Made by CMG Leisure Limited, Doxy offers a PVC-covered aluminum head that can deliver throbs and vibrations from 3,000 to 9,000 RPM, and can even be made to work its way up as the user reaches higher planes of pleasure. The only drawback to both the Hitachi Magic Wand and Doxy Massager, at least as far as I can see, is the need for a power outlet to plug them into. If only some bold, tech savvy entrepreneur would come along with something similar, only battery-operated. (Yo, Shibari, that’s your cue!)

Shibari Halo

BBW pornstar, sex educator, and businesswoman par excellence, Kelly Shibari, has unleashed her own take on the wand massager which she’s calling Halo. And, dear readers, it’s cordless! Talking to Fleshbot about the device, Shibari said other wand massagers proved too strong, too noisy, and too unwieldy for her, so when the chance to align herself with a device that had 10 different speeds, quiet operation, was waterproof, and ditched the power cable in favor of a rechargeable internal battery, she jumped. And, at $49, the Shibari Halo costs a fraction of what you’d pay for a Doxy (approximately $160).

“So,” I’m sure you’re wondering about now, “which one should I buy for my dearly beloved to enhance her own sexual satisfaction as well as our mutual activity? Should I wait for Doxy’s arrival on US shelves or trust in Kelly Shibari and her angelic cordless creation?” On that point, my friends, I’ll have to get back to you once they’ve been extensively tested (and possibly run into the ground) by me and mine – and not like this disappointingly SFW test run by Chessie kay:

Hell, maybe I’ll buy a pair, race ’em across the kitchen floor, and declare the winner the greatest vibrator in the history of sexual aids! Double hell, maybe I’ll see who sends me a complimentary device and devote myself to them and only them for all eternity. Then and only then will there be an official declaration of vibrational supremacy from the master of masturbatory analysis, Mr. Pink!