Give Yourself a Handie!

 

The Handie sex toy

Considering the dearth of sexual aids available to men – let’s face it, there’s the Pocket Pussy and Fleshlight and little else – it’s quite surprising that nobody tried to address this market disparity with something like The Handie before now. As discussed on this here blog back in early October, The Handie is an all-in-one sexual aid for men that promises to make bare-fisted masturbation a thing of the past. With a self-lubricating system, vibrating element, textured penetration simulation, and an easy-to-clean ejaculate receptacle, The Handie should’ve been such a smash hit with online audiences that it’s failure to raise the $69,000 declared necessary for production on the product’s IndieGoGo crowdfunding page.

Raising only $3,862 through IndieGoGo, The Handie went into production anyway and is now available for purchase. And, given the amount of attention The Handie has been receiving from the mainstream and adult branches of the media, it could soon be sold out. Heather Vahn (of whom we haven’t seen nearly enough lately) and Khloe Kush starred in the very first Handie promo video (above) and Angelina Chung has just been named the very first “Handie Girl” (although exactly what that means remains to be seen), proving this unique masturbatory aid not only has the pornstar seal of approval, but seems a solid, failure-proof venture enough that actual adult entertainment professionals are risking embarrassment and a career misstep to support it. The Handie is very real and very available and (presumably) very comfortable… unless you’re Milwaukee Buck Giannis Antetokounmpo, that is.

Problem Plug Erected in Paris

Many Parisians are outraged over the latest sculpture to be erected in public view. Standing 24ft above the Place Vendrome in the French capital, ‘Tree’ by American artist Paul McCarthy has raised eyebrows for its startling similarity to not a traditional Christmas tree it is said to represent, but an thick green butt-plug.

butt plug tree
Paul McCarthy, Tree (2014) previous to Friday’s vandalism Via: @HauserWirth on Twitter

McCarthy, something of an art world provocateur, created the piece for Foire International d’Art Contemporain (FIAC), an exhibition running in Paris until the end of October, in the hopes that it’d be accepted, even enjoyed by the allegedly sexually liberal French. Placed adjacent to the Vendrome Column, a monument erected by Emperor Napoleon after defeating the Roman army at the Battle of Austerlitz in 1805. Many Parisians failed to find McCarthy’s irreverence amusing and instead of ignoring the piece for the duration of its exhibition, took to vandalism to make their point.

butt plug tree paris
Martin Bureau / AFP / Getty Images

Severing the ropes that held ‘Tree’ upright, outraged Parisian vandals cut the offending object down to size, leaving it lifeless and deflated, flaccid even, in the city square before eventually being removed by organizers. McCarthy has fired back at his attackers – an irate Frenchman struck McCarthy in the head multiple times at the piece’s unveiling – in a statement made to artnet News: “Instead of the piece being about a discussion about how objects exist as language with layers of meaning, a violent reaction occurred. I am not interested in the possibility of such confrontation and physical violence, or continuing to put those around the object at risk.”

Unfortunately, though, ‘Tree’ doesn’t seem to speak to cases of sexual violence perpetrated against those still, in the year of your chosen deity 2014, find themselves persecuted simply for being more sexually interesting (read: positively perverted) than their decriers, instead drawing much attention to McCarthy’s fecally-reminiscent Parisian exhibition, Chocolate Factory, opening Saturday at Monnaie de Paris. What a wasted opportunity.

Fleshlights Full of Cash in L.A.

Simple Pickup, a company founded by a few guys eager to prove their ‘game’, aims to provide information and education to sexually frustrated guys in an effort to help them conquer their inhibitions and become that lady-killing ultra-player they’ve always dreamed about. So successful is Simple Pickup that a Change.org petition started by Stop Street Harassment has already garnered 30,000 digital signatures and demands an immediate end to what they see as blatant sexual harassment. Apparently, though, Fleshlight, makers of the best-selling masturbation aid for men, saw Simple Pickup as a great promotional opportunity and gave the three guys behind the service $10,000 to create a promo video for their product.

Instead of investing the ten grand in their production budget, the Simple Pickup dudes decided to stuff genuine US currency into the soft, pliable openings of some 200 Fleshlights and scatter them throughout Los Angeles. Giving out clues via their Twitter and Facebook pages after announcing the find-a-hole contest on YouTube, the guys will keep hinting towards the location of the Fleshlights before finally revealing it in full this Saturday. So far, three clues have been unveiled and the broke and horny of LA are running around with an empty duffel bag over their shoulders.

SimplePickup Fleshlights

“So what, I’m not in LA,” you say, “Why do I give a shit about this giveaway thing?” Well, pal, ’cause the SimplePickups chuds vowed to unleash their hidden Fleshlight bonanza in another city if their announcement video reached 50,000 views – it currently sits at 285,000 views, so your city could be next to have molded vaginas hidden among its beaches and barrooms, its malls, its parks, even perhaps its adult variety emporiums. Follow the clues with #FleshCash and good huntin’, pals!