Smoke My Bacon, Baby!

Your deep-frier-owning, ranch-dressing-drizzling, Mexican-Coke-preferring girlfriend has said there’s only one thing she loves more than you and it’s bacon and now you don’t know how to reignite the passion of fellatio in your relationship without feeling and smelling like a bona fide pig-fucker? Well, friend, J&D Foods has a product for you: bacon condoms. That’s right, folks, the makers of Bacon Ranch, Bacon Gravy and Bacon Shaving Cream, of bacon flavored lip balm, bacon scented roses, and even bacon sunscreen comes a rubber that’ll “make your meat look like meat”.

Bacon Condom

For those of you not throwing up your breakfast… J&D’s Bacon Condoms are made of latex but instead smell and taste of freshly sizzled rashers of fatty hog flesh. While I cannot at this time report on how these Bacon Condoms feel against human skin, they also look quite a bit like bacon given the fleshy, meaty design patterned on each, uh, unit. Like most bacon-celebrating products, demand has proven quite high for J&D’s absurd (and absurdly delicious) contraceptive product. Already out of stock after only a month on the market, Bacon Condoms can be yours if you add your name to the waiting list… or hit the supermarket for some DIY porking and poking.

Bacon flavored condoms

Vibe Guide States the Buzzin’ Obvious

Sex ToysLeading online condom store, Condomania, recently published a how-to guide for women who’ve never used a vibrator before. Titled “How to Use a Vibrator: Helpful Advice for First-Timers”, the article details the ins and outs of vibe use – and thankfully with less lame puns than this blog – and points out what some might find to be exceedingly obvious. Ranging from inane observations – “Vibrators for women take many shapes and come in various sizes,” – to thinly-veiled product endorsements – “Some first-timers opt for Trojan vibrators, which come in easy to use designs that aren’t intimidating to use or expensive to buy,” – the guide may come across as completely unnecessary to some, but will likely have all those previously asexual Fifty Shades fans giggling in their Nordstrom Rack-purchased frocks and contemplating self-satisfaction of the battery-operated kind.

From setting the mood – “dimming the lights, turning on soft music; whatever you need to feel sexy” – to letting the previously external-only phallus find its way inside – “Allowing the vibrator to enter the vagina simulates sexual intercourse but adds an extra ‘buzz'” – Condomania seeks to cover all areas of vibrator-aided self-pleasure and, somewhat surprisingly, even suggests using a vibe with a partner for added stimulation. A novel concept if ever there was one!

What Condomania’s guide seems to be missing, though, is the efficiency vibrators introduce into masturbation. By selecting the right shape and size of toy, getting to know its settings and potential power, women can feasibly bring themselves to a height of masturbatory bliss and brevity rivaled only by the most accomplished of male self-strokers. Plenty of guys can sit in a restaurant bathroom, spit in their palm, and rub one out in two or three minutes, so what’s with all the candles, scents, and allotment of a solid hour of “me time” needed by the presumed readers of Condomania’s guide. Is the only thing keeping these women readers from near-instant sexual self-gratification the hypocrisy that’d arise should they continue making jokes about feeble sex-obsessed men and their devotion to the manual orgasm process? Nobody said sexual liberation didn’t come with a cost and if that’s less jerk-off jokes, so be it.

Less Hockey, More Nookie

Sex ToysWith a major dispute involving division of revenue, free-agency rights and salary arbitration (so, money) pitting team owners against the players’ association and closing down the 2013 NHL season, the Edmonton Oilers have been sidelined, leaving their fans twiddling their thumbs. Or, as Canadian adult retailers believe, diddling their ladies. Vinay Morker, owner of Hush Lingerie and More adult boutique in South Edmonton, told Edmonton Sun reporter Matt Dykstra that sales are up 15% because male fans are spending time usually devoted to hockey on the non-platonic women in their lives. “When Oilers fans, mostly guys, have to break their routine of seeing every game, they have more time.” Morker said. “And there’s nothing better than spending it with your spouse or girlfriend.”

So, ladies, it seems there’s a formula at play here that could improve your own sex lives. Instead of ignoring your fella when he harps on about linebackers and point guards and throwing the goalie, learn the terms, get an entry-level job at a sports management agency, work your way up to executive level, influence (or, hell, cause) a contract disputes and wait for your lapdog to come panting home to mama looking for a treat. If the aforementioned Canadian retailers are correct, he’ll come bearing gifts.

The Fleshlight That Sticks Around, Rain or Shine

Fleshlight Shower MountHow many times have you gone to take a shower and felt the pangs on regret and remorse as your mind started wandering back to a former flame and the many coital congresses you shared in the shower cubicle? Entering a solitary bathing situation after such reminiscences can cause even the sturdiest heart to waver and even the most aggressive libidos to fly off the chain. Good thing the always innovative Fleshlight is there to lend a helping hand in your lonely hour of need, even in the shower.

The recently launched Fleshlight Shower Mount uses a suction-cup design to grab hold of your shower cubicle wall and offers varying angles from which it accepts your loneliness or sexual frustration made flesh. (So, your boner.) That’s right, fellas, Fleshlight’s Shower Mount is a multi-angled attachment that can be affixed to almost any shower, bathtub, closet wall, hardwood floor, or (for the exhibitionists out there) storefront window and makes it a cinch to get yourself off hands-free.

The Shower Mount is now available on its own or with original, Stamina Training Unit, Ice, or any of the signature Fleshlight Girls units, as well as in vibrating form. This latest development from the leading male masturbation aid company comes hot on the heels of the interactive V-Stroker. the Halloween-themed Fleshlight Freaks range, and Vibro, the first vibrating Fleshlight.

What’ll they think of next, a Fleshlight that doesn’t send you obnoxious “wat u doin hun xo” texts the next day?

Eco-Friendly Vibes? Like, Totally Trippendicular!

Open SkyAlicia Silverstone might be turning to cookbooks to make a dime these days, years after her Clueless fame faded into a nostalgia trip for 30-year-olds, but her more recent career activities aren’t entirely unsexy. On her website The Kind Life, the actress and health nut pimps products that are vegan, cruelty-free, and sourced from sustainable materials in an eco-friendly way. Now, on Open Sky, Silverstone is endorsing a product few would’ve predicted she’d attach her name to: vibrators.

Described as “personal luxury massagers designed for natural pleasure”, the six new vibrators from Leaf are eco-friendly and have 100% silicone bodies with a silky smooth finish, as well as being completely “body safe”. Ranging from the more basic, leaf-shaped Life and heart-shaped Fresh, the strongest and second smallest in the collection, to rabbit-eared Vitality, long and subtly curved Touch, ultra-discrete Spirit, and twin-motored flexible Bloom, Leaf offers a guilt-free self-pleasuring experience that someone of Silverstone’s environmentally pure nature can’t help but love.

With the holiday season approaching and our girlfriends, wives, and occasional sexual partners uniformly devoting themselves (with various degrees of genuine commitment) to an eco-friendly lifestyle, Leaf seems a surefire way to increase her sexual enjoyment without an iota of guilt… unless, that is, there’s something she hasn’t told you. With that in mind, how about picking up some “ethical” vegan condoms from Glyde?