Just Because They Suck You… Doesn’t Mean They Like You!

Clerks XXXIt’s not inconceivable that even before the rise of parody porn, wannabe Hollywood auteur Kevin Smith hoped and dreamed that his debut feature film, Clerks, would strike such a chord with contemporary society that it’d eventually be turned into something even more pornographic than his dialogue. Now, almost twenty years after Clerks’ 1994 release, a Clerks porn parody is available from Vivid Entertainment.

Providing the Clerks slackers with far more sexual opportunities than the original film, Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody sees Allie Haze and Lexi Swallow fill the presumably loosely-tied boots of Dante and Randall as Dana and Randi, who spend their workday embroiled in all sorts of lewd and lascivious (and presumably humorous) situations. Joining Haze and Swallow are Chastity Lynn as Jane and Kelly Devine as Silent Bertha, the gender-bending XXX versions of Jay and Silent Bob. Other performers include Jayden Lee, Seth Gamble, Brian Street Team, and Evan Stone as the most obnoxious series of customers imaginable – yes, every one.

Clerks XXX is now available for viewing at Vivid’s online HQ, but those who want the full “rise of the indies” experience should pick up the DVD release, which includes a non-hardcore black-and-white version. Although with presumably better dialog recordings than Smith’s original. Oh, and Smith has been unusually silent about this highly explicit tribute, perhaps too immersed in his adored and officially endorsed Fleshlight to pay it much mind.

Vivid’s Survey Says… Pt. 2

Vivid XCriticAfter unveiling some of the more surprising results from their first few surveys of porn viewers, Vivid Entertainment and XCritic dug even deeper to discover just how much porn people are watching, why they watch what they watch, and who they’re most likely to while away the hours watching fuck on their TV or computer screen.

– Two-time AVN Female Performer of the Year, Tori Black was voted the most popular female star, followed by Lexi Belle and Kayden Kross.
– Jenna Haze beat out Mason, Joanna Angel, parody maestro Axel Braun, B. Skow, and Robby D. as everyone’s favorite director; a huge relief for Ms. Haze, I’m sure, consider directing is all she does these days.
– More than half of respondents use blogs and Twitter to keep tabs on and interact with their favorite performers.
– Star performers also proved to be the most significant motivating factor in fans’ deciding to buy a particular release.
– Viewers clearly use porn for inspiration as well as masturbation, with well over half of respondents trying positions and moves from porn with a partner and noting that their efforts were very successful!
– Most viewers consider themselves moderate watchers of porn and regard it as a positive contribution to our collective culture.

Most notable, though, was the overwhelmingly positive response to the idea of dating a pornstar, with more than 85% of respondents claiming they’d be ok with dating a woman who fucks other men on camera for a living. And, even more surprisingly, more than 60% of viewers would be so comfortable with such a situation they’d even marry their theoretical pornstar girlfriend. That’s certainly one result I didn’t see coming!

Vivid and XCritic continue their joint mission to investigate and elucidate the culture of porn. Pornstars around the country, meanwhile, are fending off proposals of marriage with surprising dexterity and effectiveness. (Although Twitter’s ‘block user’ function surely helps.)

Vivid’s Survey Says… Pt. 1

Vivid XCriticFor the past few months, porn’s most well-known studio, Vivid Entertainment has been joining forces with XCritic to conduct a comprehensive survey of porn viewers, their habits, their preferences, and their opinions about the numerous factors that define how porn is produced, for whom, and for what specific purpose. Does anyone still watch DVDs? Are MMF threesomes more popular than FFM threesomes? Would home viewers perform in an adult feature if it didn’t require sex? What if it did?

XCritic has been slowly releasing the results of the polls and some of the answers have been quite surprising.

– More than 1/3rd of respondents still watch retail DVDs over online, digitally distributed content.
– Despite the continued rise of gonzo, a feature production is still the most watched porn format.
– Although double-penetration scenes have become more commonplace over the past few years, most guys still prefer two girls and one guy in threesome scenes.
– More than half of respondents claim to be always aroused when viewing porn, meaning blood is flowing away from other areas of the body to keep an erection, possibly to the detriment of logical and critical faculties; hence: your regrettable Coke bottle “accident”.
– Most respondents believe the amalgamation of Internet and television will result in more porn viewing.
– Lindsay Lohan is the celeb most desired to be seen fucking in a sex tape, low-res cell-phone footage or not.
– The most popular porn categories were anal and girl-girl, apparently by a huge margin.
– Almost half the men responding would take a non-sexual role in an adult production, while nearly 40% would say yes to a sexual role!
– And, perhaps most surprisingly of all, more than 73% of respondents do not hide their porn viewing, with more than a third enjoying porn with a significant other.

Vivid and XCritic are continuing their polling, so keep your eyes peeled on Mr. Pink’s for more results as they roll in.