Misty-Eyed Misti Dawn

Misti Dawn“Well, its been a very fast interesting two weeks. My marriage has ended. I could go on why but it just did. I’m sad that it happened the way it did, but it did. Everything that I found out hurts, but I glad I know now. I don’t particularly want to slander and give the details of my life in those aspects out. It just is. I wish him well and success.”

This missive, posted on alt.porn goddess Misti Dawn’s blog on January 24th of 2012, signaled not just the end of Misti’s marriage to fellow adult performer, Michael Vegas, but solidified her need for a significant change in lifestyle. Moving out of the San Fernando Valley in favor of Hollywood, Misti decided that the only way she could attempt to recover from her husband’s alleged deceit – “I found out Michael was having an affair, an emotional affair.” – was to cut her loses and move on. While this certainly won’t please those fans who were hanging out for what seemed like the inevitable DP and anal creampie scenes from their beloved copper-topped nerd girl, this alarming change has thrust Misti Dawn into the next phase of her life and career.

With a role in Max Landis’ recently released fanboy flick, The Death and Return of Superman, and plenty of blogs, podcasts, and random Internet appearances lined up, it appears Misti Dawn hasn’t let the shadier side of porn get her down. She just packed up, pulled out the weeds, and headed for Hollywood looking to sell herself as a face and personality, not just a piece of meat. That story may sound familiar to you, but if there’s one thing Misti seems sure of, it’s that she’s no LA cliche.

Missing Misti Dawn

Misti DawnThings first started to look a little dour for redheaded alt.pornstar and geek girl supreme, Misti Dawn, when she was hired along with another woman to perform in an anal scene that they believed was going to be a pretty straightforward dick-in-butt kind of thing. Upon turning up to set after having taken the previous night to prepare with plugs and enemas and relaxation, both performers were shocked to find out that the scene, for a movie entitled Spitting & Speculums (or something similar), was far kinkier than their agents has let them know. The director/stuntcock, now a very popular shooter of all-star POV anal scenes, began by requesting deep throat blowjobs with plenty of gagging and salivating, which was enough to unnerve our rather timid Indianan and her co-star, but then went into even raunchier territory. Pulling out a vaginal speculum and inserting it into our girls’ anuses stretching them to soon accommodate his cock, Herr Director soon had both women holding back nausea and nearly passing out from the physical shock and stress. Misti calls her agent and complains. He tells her to continue the scene, promising to sort everything out later. Misti’s co-star, though, is in the bathroom throwing up, so the pair decide that enough is enough and call it quits, going home with less impressive paychecks than what they had been guaranteed.

Detailing on her blog how it felt to be so professionally humiliated while also dealing with an intense physical situation for which she was totally unprepared – the vaginal speculum used in the scene can be extremely taxing on the elasticity of a smaller, tighter orifice for which it was definitely not intended – Misti Dawn said that this experience was enough to convince her that she’d be better off exploring her sexuality privately; that her marriage, health, sanity, and sexual satisfaction rightfully took priority over the fun and financial rewards of porn. That was the end of it. Misti Dawn the alt.pornstar was now Misti Dawn the blogger, pop-culture commentator (for Spike TV, no less), semi-professional self-employed model, private citizen, and wife of a still-performing adult entertainer.

Can a life like that really work out to be the best for all parties concerned, though? It’s one thing to be getting paid to fuck men other than your husband, but what happens when you quit and your husband keeps working and, in fact, starts to reach the apex of his own career on camera?

Nerd Hunting

Nerd HuntingThe Bang Bros’ website Fuck Team Five has found itself in plenty of rather sketchy situations in its short online lifespan. There have been humiliating mid-blowjob phone calls to some guy’s poor wife, a three-girl chant of “Nothing gets inside Madison Ivy’s butthole!” and dozens upon dozens of amateur Miami and LA guys getting a chance at pornstar pussy paradise. One episode in particular is especially noteworthy to me because I occasioned to meet one of the “random” guys Fuck Team Five picked up while cruising down Melrose Blvd. on a gorgeous Southern California Sunday afternoon. Then he was a 21-year-old aspiring standup comic fresh off the bus from Godknowswhere, USA. His name, well, for a long, long time I completely forgot his name, but with his starring role in Todd Philip’s (Road Trip, Wedding Crashers) newest opus, Project X, plus a genuine background as an adult performer, Jonathan Daniel Brown might not be a name we’ll be forgetting anytime soon.

One day back in 2008, Brown, having only recently arrived in Hollywood, was walking down Melrose minding his own business when a white van pulled up and out jumped three of the most astounding slutty pornstars known to mankind: Ashlii Orion, Jennifer Dark, and Phoenix Marie. Orion, surprisingly, managed to recall quite a few details of Brown’s participation and how he fared in his first onscreen performance.

“I remember him being this cute little nerdy guy, shy, and super nervous!” Orion told AVN. “He was really nice so I felt bac that I had to make fun of him in true Fuck Team 5 fashion.” It seems being pasty, chubby, and bespectacled, and struggling to make it as a standup comic – which is when I met him while attending a mutual friend’s “show” at a dismally vacant East Hollywood Ramada Inn – hasn’t relegated this so-called “nerd” to the depths of social isolation. Instead, he’s fucking Ashlii Orion until he “popped all over [her] ass.” Kudos, guy I met at a shitty comedy/karaoke thing in a crummy hotel not-really-but-sorta-in Hollywood a few years back. Kudos, indeed.

In closing, all I can say is thank your lucky stars that more also-ran strandups of Hollywood aren’t nabbing themselves small porn roles. That scene’s already enough of a circle jerk as it is.

Hyuk-hyuk.