Awareness raising charities have never been more prevalent than they are now – see recent hubbubs over Lady Gaga’s youth empowerment-focused Born This Way Foundation and Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccine Generation Rescue and that whole Pink Ribbon for breast cancer campaign started by the Susan G. Komen organization – but until recently it had seemed most campaigns that took to social media for disbursement were mainly spread and supported by women posting make-up-free selfies and supposedly leukemia-focused cleavage parading. The fellas have finally joined in the fun of (reported) fundraising, snapping selfies that, save for a well placed sock, would be utterly, totally naked. And it’s all in the name of raising awareness of testicular cancer… or prostate cancer… whichever one you like, I guess. (As a movement, it does seem a little unfocused.)
Now, far be it from to claim a double standard when there are so many held against women but not us men, but why does it seem perfectly acceptable in the eyes of so many vocal Instagram and Twitter users (and, if you believe they’re legitimate, Buzzfeed commenters) that all men depicted in the celebratory articles are tall, fit, muscular, and, largely, tattooed and sporting some kind of hip hair style, cranial or facial? Isn’t spouting “Hot damn… Um.. please excuse me while I change my panties ;p” in regard to the valiant effort of brave, selfless men exposing their most vulnerable states to an anonymous global audience a little, well, sexist? Wouldn’t the same comment be downvoted to all hell if posted by a man in response to, say, #titsinmitts? Way to treat us like pieces of meat, ladies! And exactly how does Buzzfeed, HuffPo and other news and content aggregators racking up millions of page views (and advertising dollars) on the backs of these boys and their barely-sheathed tackle help fight… whatever cancer is allegedly the focus here?
Circumcised? Spun a dreidel? Enjoyed the works of Woody and Groucho and Larry David but had to contend with gentile friends who just didn’t get the anxiety-ridden humor? You, my friend, might be a jew and, as a reader of this blog and (presumed) supporter of the sex industry, might wanna check out Jewrotica’s list of the recently ended year’s hottest Jewish religious leaders. No. I’m not kidding! Here it is, folks, the only (and therefore utterly definitive) list of the Sexiest Rabbi’s of 2013.
The main list of 10 Torah teachers included both men and women and, unfortunately for most of our readers, the pollsters saw six men to only four women. But when those three women include a “whip-smart” guitar-playing radical Chicagoan (Rabbi Lizzi Heydemann), a “queer yeshiva” founder who teaches “the sexiest bits of Talmud as well as the driest” (Rabbi Benay Lappe), a PhD-equipped author of “Hebrew Priestess” books (Rabbi Jill Jammer, PhD), and an American living and working (and getting arrested) for adoptive, sexual and religious rights advocacy in Jerusalem (Rabbi Susan Silverman, big sister of comedian Sarah), you know you’re talking about some incredible women. They’re not exactly as open and explicit as porn’s most famous Jewess, Joanna Angel, but Ms. Angel isn’t likely to refer you to Maimondes, “Yad ha-Ḥazaḳah, Ishut,” xxiv. 6 when you’re experiencing some marital anxiety, either.
Unless you’ve been sticking your dick in the holes found in a slice of Swiss cheese, going online to locate women who’ll watch your dairy-fed antics, and even approaching startled ladies in public in failed attempts to coax them into participating in your little pastime, I’d say your fetishes are probably under control, unlike the “Swiss-cheese Pervert” of Philadelphia’s Mayfair region.
Awareness of the alleged deviant’s activities gained ground after being posted on a Mayfair TownWatch Facebook page. Community outrage spread and more victims came forward claiming, much like Priscilla [surname redacted] who managed to snap a cell phone pic of the perp after he propositioned her, that the man intended to hire them to observe his rubbing his genitals with slices of Swiss cheese. Priscilla shared her photo of the suspect (and his cheese) with authorities and shortly after they arrested one Christopher Pagano of Norristown. Described by neighbors as “a weirdo” who “used to come outside in his underwear with no shirt,” 41-year-old Pagano was charged with stalking and harassment as well as open lewdness before being released on $30,000 bail.
To get to the bottom of all this depravity we must turn to that most revealing of adult social media sites, OkCupid, on which the lonely legions declare themselves and their various kinks and curiosities open for judgement. Contacting twenty-year-old (and curiously named) Gabby Chest of Bridesburg in 2012, Pagano is reported to have offered significant details of his sitophilia, the total of which can be viewed at PhillyMag and is best digested on an empty stomach. (Note: somewhat tellingingly, Pagano misspells “arrangement” as “arraignment”.)