Halloween Hangover Cures

Bunring Angel - I Know Who You Fucked Last Summer

Well, it’s been a whole five days since the spirits of the netherworld rose up to possess us all, thrust us into elaborate (and often crazy expensive) costumes, and hurl us together for a wild, unhinged social explosion, so what does the porn world have to show for it? This year, along with the requisite cosplay-aided carnality and general fun-lovin’ usually seen in the adult sphere around this time of year, a few studios went all out and delivered multi-part epics tailored to Halloween fans everywhere. The infamous Brazzers set itself apart thanks to the efforts of a particular returning superstar performer while Burning Angel, no stranger to horror-themed porn, released another porn parody starring a cast of today’s boldest studs ’n’ sluts. Whether you were too busy IRL to beat your meat last Wednesday or spent the whole day immersed in utterly fantastic fucking, here’s Mr. Pink’s recap of what went down at two of the most impressive porn studios in the land on Halloween ’18.

The world famous “ZZ” Brazzers roped in returning open-orificed star, Bonnie Rotten, who took a temporary break from porn in late 2015 to welcome her first child, and cast her as a woman whose Halloween is ignited by the arrival of a mystery package containing a vibrator. He Came at Night opens with Bonnie enjoying some alone time with her new toy before being startled by a phone call from some heavy-breathing freak who’s actually a lot closer than she thinks. In Part 2, Bonnie’s prank caller won’t stop so she turns to neighbor Bill Bailey for a safe, secure lap to sit in. It doesn’t hurt that Bill’s lady, Kira Noir, is just as concerned for her foxy female neighbor as her man is. Part 3 brings Bonnie’s terrifying ordeal to the inevitable conclusion: the masked figure lurking on her property and breathing heavily down her phone line can no longer hang back and observe. Small Hands strikes, charging through the house in pursuit of his moistened, fleshy prize, revealing himself to be Bonnie’s tormenter – and not a bad lay, at all!

Burning Angel has been delivering awesome Halloween entertainment for discerning adults for many years now and, this year, the efforts BA unleashed on its devoted subscribers and supporters went above and beyond what most studios can muster. Joanna Angel and her crew of devilish deviants concocted this year a four-part extravaganza called I Know Who You Fucked Last Halloween. Detailing Joanna Angel’s descent into a very horny version of hell, chapter one sees her husband Small Hands driving Ms. Angel to a secret location for a “surprise.” Well, surprise! Ivy Lebelle, Katrina Jade, and Ariana Marie pounce on Joanna and devour her completely, leaving her to wonder what her ultimate fate will be. Ms. Lebelle, an awesome new future superstar, takes chapter two for herself, treating a preferred client, Steve Holmes, to a wondrous working over after her pops up in a spooky mask, playfully scaring her. Chapter three highlights the excellent Katrina Jade: relaxing at home, trying not to recall the grisly death from chapter one, Ms. Jade is visited by the deceased woman’s widower and decides to help him get over the loss of his one true love… with pussy. Working its way to a roaring climactic scene starring Ariana Marie, I Know Who You Fucked Last Halloween spans many years and ends on a denouement. A year after enduring the terrifying ordeal of chapter one. Ariana is in her yoga studio teaching two guys to limber up when she reveals her hidden interest in something else, the infamous Devil’s Triangle! Taking on both boys in an effort to observe herself of her sins, Ms. Marie is ultimately left with a messy studio and face – and a fuckpile of regrets!

Whatever you ended up doing on All Hallows’ Eve, we hope the following days are filled with fond remembrances and plenty of costumed carnality!

Burning Angel review

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pussy

After Nubiles got us all antsy in the pantsy about tomorrow’s annual USA-DAY celebration – aka 4th of July, Independence Day, ID4, Daddy’s Drunken BBQ & Brawl etc – as covered in our last missive, it’s time to turn to the rest of the pornosphere and enjoy their own red-white-and-blue holiday offerings.

4th of July with Ariana Marie

The seemingly always outdoors Mofos crew put on their I Know That Girl hats and invite you to virtually hang with Athena Palomino, decked out in stars-and-stripes, as you both enjoy a relaxing sunny day by the backyard pool. The barbecue just adds to the heat and soon it’s you, Athena, and a POV HD camera romping around in the bedroom until a certain someone ends up with a cum covered chin and chest. With Ms. Palomino’s recent semi-retirement announcement – she found God and is sticking to custom and independent porn from now on – this could be one of the last chances we have to adore a woman who could’ve been the next (seriously) big thing but now appears consumed with her dream of funding a public park in Baltimore.

Globally, the idea of your stereotypical American Girl generally has one constant: curves. Teen Curves, Team Skeet’s requisite T’n’A site, this week features a young vixen by the name of Skylar Snow. The Puerto Rico-born stunner swans around a backyard pool – oh, hey – before heading inside to more properly work the shaft of one enviable fella.

Passion HD delivers one of its signature visual erotic wonder-fucks, this time serving fans up a steaming hot Ariana Marie, who gives a great bikini-and-flag tease before, guess what, poolside sex takes place! I know the weather’s quite nice across much of the country right now, but must every damn 4th of July porno involve a barbecue and swimming pool? Thankfully not, as our next example proves.

Spizoo – which, incidentally, keeps getting stronger and sexier – delivers an immigration story Americans of every political persuasion can support, and one that thankfully involves not a single swimming pool! A big-dicked Romeo arrives from Italy intent on taking advantage of American-style freedoms, especially those involving a twin-set of loose women eager to absorb the flesh and fluids of an exotic European. Logan Long, a local boy and Spizoo regular, joins the fun in the celebratory orgy. Things get wild and things get wet with some steamy hot-tub makeout action between Blaten Lee and Eden Sin, but again the group goes inside to carry on in relative private.

Whatever you’re doing this Fourth, stay safe, have fun, and remember what this nation was founded on: an unfounded expectation of complete sexual freedom and fulfillment. (At least, that’s what I remember from Civics class…)

Fucking on the Fourth of July

Falling this year on a Wednesday, the Fourth of July or Independence Day celebrates the United States Declaration of Independence, adopted on this date in 1776. As noted by CNN, the fact that Wednesday is this year’s party day may throw a wrench into some of your plans. If you’ll be saving the drunken buffoonery for next weekend or keeping it quiet at home, alone, on the 4th, the relentlessly celebratory Nubiles Porn Network has a little something special to throw your way.

My Family Pies - Fucking on the Fourth

Fucking for Fourth of July sees two blonde beauties land at Bratty Sis, one of the newer Nubiles efforts, to tag-team one lucky fella. Emma Hix and Molly Mae ditch their red-white-and-blue bikinis and rub up against the throbbing boner of Logan Long, Molly’s step-brother, when they find him passed out on the sofa. All the drunken revelry and “USA! USA!” chants may have died down but the party’s only just starting as Emma and Molly rouse the young Mr. Long into a twin-pronged pussy-tapping attack on top of a pool table, beneath decorative stars-and-stripes flags and banners, right before Molly’s mom waltzes in and sees her daughter and her bestie coated in her step-son’s spooge – awkward!

The barbecues just keep coming at Nubiles with My Family Pies serving up a steamer starring two young and eager starlets. Hosting a 4th of July BBQ with her step-dad, Rosalyn Sphinx invites her gal pal Whitney Wright and her step-dad over. When Whitney drops her shorts and flashes her thong at Rosalyn’s dad, things take a turn for the raunchy and Rosalyn interrupts, then decides to join, the pair. Jumping aboard her bestie’s face to grind out an orgasm before helping her pops pop one off inside his step-daughter, Whitney takes charge of the situation and leaves everyone reeling in a post-orgasmic glow just as the burgers are sizzling up the grill.

Taking Nubiles as evidence, it would seem Americans are primarily concerned with fucking their family members. So, hey, enjoy your annual get together, everyone, and say hi to your sister for me.

Nubiles Porn Review