Officially Sanctioned Spider-Porn?

Some of you no doubt know him as either The Amazing Spider-Man or yet another R-Patz clone, but Andrew Garfield has never really sparked a dot on Mr. Pink’s radar… until now. After briefly discussing porn names with journalist Matt Patches of, Garfield admitted to watching Axel Braun’s recent web-slinging sex-fest, Spiderman XXX: A Porn Parody for “inspiration.” Yeah, whatever, A-Garf, like you didn’t shoot some webs of your own while ogling Brooklyn Lee’s Mary-Jane, a character who didn’t even make it into his relaunch flick.

“You can find inspiration anywhere when it comes to this character because ’cause it’s everyone’s; it belongs to everyone, porn actors, you know…” Garfield explained while continually fondling his own chin in a remarkable display of self-pleasure before following Patches’s lead into more family-friendly areas of discussion. Hey, these two instant pals can ignore the issue all they want, but if the dude playing Spider-Man is openly admitting to gleaning acting inspiration from porn, that sets a monumental precedent. Robert Downey Jr. has a long history of decadence so maybe the next Avengers movie will feature Downey’s Iron Man utilizing some less violent technological wizardry, perhaps to bed Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow. Who knows, maybe the next movie will see my favorite female Avenger, Ms. Marvel, added to the cast and perhaps played by Battlestar Galactica’s Tricia Helfer. Throw in the ferocious humanoid-feline Tigra (Michelle Rodriguez or Eva Mendes anyone?) and you’ve got a pretty damn intense level of sexual tension running around the big 3D-outfitted cinema come Avengers 2.

So, Joss Whedon, allow me to introduce you to a little flick called The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody.

A Parody You Can’t Refuse

Godfather XXXThis summer, director Lee Roy Myers and DreamZone Entertainment make you an offer you can’t refuse: a XXX parody of Francis Ford Coppola’s legendary breakthrough film and one of the most lauded achievements in American dramatic cinema, The Godfather. Although rather unimaginatively titled, Godfather: A DreamZone Parody, nonetheless looks set to blow away viewers with the story of the Whoreleone family, headed by the Dong (Peter O’Tool). As a porn war between families heats up and looks to explode, Dong Vito Whoreleone accelerates his family’s sexual aggression and confirms his hold on the illicit underworld gradually forming in American society.

The Don also puts his son Michael (Tommy Pistol) in the unenviable position of underboss; an assignment that doesn’t sit too well with Michael’s lady, Kay (Kagney Linn Karter taking Diane Keaton’s role and very nearly fulfilling one skinematic fantasy of this writer’s). With April O’Neil, Tommy Pistol, Jessie Andrews, Michael Vegas, Anthony Rosano, Mr. Pete, Bridgette B., and superhot up-and-comer Veruca James rounding out the cast of this hardcore mafia epic, you can be sure bullets won’t be the only thing flying across screen in this flick.

Available on DVD July 24th, Godfather: A DreamZone Parody is sure to fit nicely into that man-cave movie collection, taking place alongside other classic Lee Roy Myers porn parodies of Romeo & Juliet, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and A Wet Dream on Elm Street. Hell, this XXX Godfather DVD will even make a great substitute for The Godfather: Part III, taking that particular cinematic disasters place in your Coppola-approved Godfather box set – and your lady (or mother) will be none the wiser.

Taylor & Burton, Kidman & Cruise, Lohan & Deen?

The Twitterverse was buzzing this past February because novelist and screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis had been tweeting about meetings he was having with James Deen. The adult performer. The male adult performer. The male adult performer everyone seems to adore. As reported by yours truly in a previous missive, Deen was courted by Ellis to star in a film to be directed by Paul Schrader (American Gigolo and the greatest American film you’ve likely not seen, Blue Collar), the script to which he was then in the midst of writing. Deen was to “act and be full-frontal naked banging girls and guys.” In short, the perfect role for him.

Now, four months later, another tweet from Ellis suggests that professional tabloid punching-bag Lindsay Lohan will be starring opposite Dean in the film now titled The Canyons. It stands to reason she might therefore be engaging in some rather risque activities with our big dicked guy next door.

When previously been attached to take the title role in Lovelace, Lohan’s legal troubles led the producers to instead hire everyone’s favorite busty, lily-white nymph, Amanda Seyfried. As director Schrader was quick to point out (typos and all) on the film’s official Facebook Page. nothing is yet a done deal. “Despite what may be reported elsewhere, casting on The Canyons is not quite finalized… Many wonderful young actors submitted auditions and I like to bring some of them to wider attention. Or at least the wider attention that this website provides. Paul S.” (Did he just piss on Facebook? Awesome.)

So, disregarding Schrader’s reminder, we can assume Deen is in, Lohan is in, and we’re gonna watch this most likely incredible movie on its day of release for sure, right? Right. Until then, those questioning whether Schrader can handle something as rampantly sexual as a movie written by the undisputed master of stories about promiscuous, disaffected, drug-gulping twenty-something Americans, starring the world’s most charming male pornstar, and a real-life Hollywood trainwreck, watch this clip of Karvey Keitel and Richard Pryor’s dildo fight in Blue Collar and let your doubts subside. We’re in safe hands here.