Anal Advice Assessed

Valentina Nappi

Since arriving on the international porn scene in 2011 and making waves in the US industry thanks to her relentless pursuit of personal pleasure, devotion to full gender equality, or fondness for shooting anal, DP, and gangbang scenes, Italian goddess Valentina Nappi has become one of the more salient commentators on the ins-and-outs of the porn world. So, when GQ published a slightly disturbing article entitled “How to Ask for Anal Sex” only to then be followed by a red-pen wielding Complex writer who pointed out its numerous flaws and falsehoods – “Women like to be surprised,” claims GQ, but that doesn’t extend to surprise buttsecks! – we turned to the esteemed Ms. Nappi for her advice, compared it to that of GQ and Complex, and tried to figure out which source was providing the real assistance to anally-inclined readers. Guess who came out on top?

GQ writer, “sex expert” and hostess, Sarah Jane Banahan suggests forgoing mentioning or requesting an anal attempt in advance, telling readers to “undress her slowly, kiss her, tell her quietly that you are going to penetrate her from behind.” Yeah, kinda like that disturbing scene from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! Complex, for its part, wanted answers and turned to sexologist Bianca Laureano to get them. “Articles like this are dangerous because they give men the impression they may do something sexual with a partner without their consent.” Real anal sex, dear readers, is nothing like a porn scenario. You don’t start out with heavy petting, say “Turn over, baby,” then dive in cock-first. What you want to do is follow the advice of someone who’s been on the receiving end of many an butt-hungry penis in her time, Ms. Valentina Nappi.

In a blog post entitled How to Do Anal, Valentina lays it out as clearly as anyone anal adventurer could want. First, she details cleanliness protocols, discussing how to administer an enema and how pornstars stay clean on set. Some take psyllium whole husks for a fiber blast thrice daily before a shoot while others take Imodium (“not a healthy decision,” she says), but Valentina herself simply reduces fiber intake prior to a shoot to ensure she’s not leaking all over the set, the props, and her co-stars come the day of the shoot. Lubrication is next on Ms. Nappi’s checklist and, boy, is she through, a far cry from the lube-less anal attempts outlined in GQ. Size is also discussed, with Nappi insisting that every ass is different and can accommodate objects of different sizes. Crucially, she points out that the average length of the human rectum ranges from 10cm to 15cm and anything larger than that may end up smashing your colon, potentially resulting in Depends dependency.

Sure, GQ and even Complex’s guides to anal sex lacked the casual language Nappi uses, aiming for a more scientific-sounding approach to anal preparation, but really, at the end of the day which would you trust, the male equivalent of Cosmopolitan, a hip-hop-oriented youth culture magazine, or someone who takes cocks in their ass for a living and is comfortable, confident, and casually serious enough about the safety of her fans’ and fans’ lovers’ assholes that she’d even post a little infographic to help identify the (literal) shit you don’t wanna know about, as well as the (proverbial) shit you absolutely need to know before plunging your boner deep inside a surprisingly sensitive little passage.

Valentina Nappi @ HardX

Fucking Cures Fear of Flying

Kagney Linn Karter and Kendra Lust

You found the perfect woman – she’s intelligent, attractive, has a great sense of humor, and is a deeply sexual being with few obnoxious family members to enter and ruin your life – but there remains one problem: she loves to travel and you’re a aviophobic homebody who can’t get on a plane post-9-11 unless heavily medicated and heading to Vegas. How to keep the flame burning so brightly when you can’t join her on a fucking tour of Central Europe or a trip to Nepal to simultaneously orgasm on a Himalayan mountaintop or receive the blowjob of your life behind Musee d’Orsay, now that’s a challenge you’ll be thrilled to hear can be tackled with sex.

According to therapist and former airline pilot, Tom Bunn, one key to dampening the anxiety caused by airplane travel could be sex. Bunn, who created the SOAR program to address flight phobias, told of a male client whose flying anxiety made every trip miserable, until he spent one pre-flight evening between the thighs of a newfound sexual partner, staying up late into the night to enjoy their physical pairing. The result was an anxiety-free flight, Bunn says, brought on by increased levels of oxytocin, a nonapeptide hormone generated in the hypothalamus to quell fear and trepidation, replacing them with calmer, more satisfied feelings. Sparked during foreplay, oxytocin offers what Bun calls a “sexual afterglow” and this can be recalled during times of stress, countering anxious thoughts and traumatic memories with, say, the mental image of your partner smiling back at you after roaring through some mighty wild sex.

Unfortunately, Bunn isn’t actually proposing sex on airplanes, instead suggesting the an enjoyable romp the night before a flight should be enough to tackle any unsettling ideas about air travel you might have. And, if not, just make sure to time your lavatory entrances well and don’t be discovered getting it on at 28,000 ft – at least not until you’ve both finished and basking in the toasty afterglow.

Kagney Linn Karter and Kendra Lust in Tittyfuck Airlines @ Brazzers site Big Tits At Work

7-11 Now Caters to Lazy Daters

7-11 pink slurpeeWhen it’s 3am and you’re stumbling half-drunk down Second St, failing to flag down a taxi and unable to wrangle your Uber app into doing what it’s supposed to, convenience store giant 7-11 is an absolute god send. When you’re blazing with your buddies and dream up a liquid concoction involving Mountain Dew, Miller Lite, and the extracted juices of a nine-hour-old hot dog, again 7-11 saves the day. But when you’re unable to supplant yourself from wherever it is you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing – say, it’s going well with a new ladyfriend over drinks at your apartment when you both start getting pangs of hunger – a brick-and-mortar location can’t provide a truly convenient service, unless…

Braving new territory in the realm of corporate retail convenience chains, 7-11 has announced that four of its largest markets (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Los Angeles, and Chicago) will now be able to order pre-packed products for home delivery. First up, packs devoted to Game Day, Endurance, and the Sniffles aimed respectively at augmenting the thrill of your favorite Big Game™, priming you for peak athletic performance, and aiding your recovery from a mild cold. The last of the four packs making leading the charge for 7-11’s new endeavor, which spokeswoman Margaret Chabris told the New York Daily News will “redefine convenience,” are far more suited to Mr. Pink’s readership than those just mentioned. 7-11’s Date Night Pack brings the purchaser Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream, a can of Red Bull (for staying power!), a Hershey’s chocolate bar (to boost your already heightened libidos), and, most importantly, some Trident gum and a trio of Trojan Ultra Thin condoms to ensure the only thing you’re passing to each other is the quickly emptying tub of Ben & Jerry’s. And, if the two of you hit the sauce while getting saucy (and assuming she stayed over) 7-11’s Hangover Pack should soothe what ails ya (along with some nice, slow good-morning recovery sex) with extra-strength Acetaminophen, Fruit Punch Gatorade, a Smoked Turkey and Pepper Jack Sandwhich, and, the most crucial item of all, one large Pepperoni Pizza direct from the reliably questionable oven rack at your nearest participating 7-11 location.

The cost of 7-11’s ultra-convenient home-delivered packs run from just $9.75 for the Endurance to $25 for Game Day with Date Night and Hangover sitting at $20 and $15 each. Throw in $2 for delivery and you’re looking at a whole new level of near-instant gratification to augment your Earthly search for happiness. Kudos, 7-11. Kudos to you.