Missy Pink,
I’m tired of my sex life being one sided! I’m 32, married to a 35 yr old male, and I’m growing weary of his selfish ways. H e always tells me that he can’t have intercourse unless I’ve gone down on him for awhile first, says that’s what leads up to the excitement. Ok, I do it, I don’t mind, but he never returns the favor for me, he says to do that to a woman is not natural! If I refuse to give him oral sex, he refuses sex all together. I’m disgusted with the double standards, can you help me?
– Blow or No
Dear Blow or No;
I can understand your frustration, and in many relationships there is a double standard as you call it, whether be intentional or unintentional, it still exists and will create barriers in more than the bedroom.
Working for many years in the adult field, I’ve heard things that have shocked and enlightened, me, maybe I can pass on some of what I’ve learned to help you. Some people, male and female alike, see oral sex as being something dirty and disgusting, stretching back to their youth when one of the things they heard their parents say the most, “Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!” It creates a stigma, which means when there’s love and lust between two people, sometimes you need to find a way to break it.
If you know the evening is going to turn romantic, add extra foreplay in the form of showering together. Let him see for himself just how clean you are in the lower region, allow him to lather his fingers and slide through your vaginal area, giving him the control of knowing he’s cleaning you as well. This may help “wash away” some of his inhibitions. Take your time, don’t expect one night to revert him into being a horny hound for apply tongue to pussy action. Patience truly is a virtue, even in sex. While you’re licking and sucking on him, gradually work your body over onto his, placing yourself into a 69 position, show him being close means it won’t bite, and there’s nothing to be stand-offish about. Ask him to rub your clit, insert a finger, allow him to get accustom to the womanly scent, view, and offering of hopefully wanting to then lick you.
Reassure him you’re not asking that he dive in shoulder deep, even some tip of the tongue directly onto the clit would be appreciated. Get a little kinky, bring strawberries, chocolate syrup, etc. to the bedroom, but it into your vaginal area, he may want to lap up the taste of temptation. The main goal is to remain open in your discussions, don’t put pressure, don’t refuse to give him his pre-intercourse blowjob, but rather, talk a little dirty when telling him how good it would feel to you. Make it light and playful, you don’t want to push him further away.
Some men, and women see oral sex as another branch of a stronger intimacy when making love and they immediately put up walls, for some reason it’s a psychological reaction that is very real to them, and very frustrating to their partner.
Anything worth fine tuning is worth investing the time into, so, if you want foreplay to work like a well oiled machine, go slow and allow the building of mutual pleasure between the two of you. Given the right attention and approach, you may be surprised at how often you see the top of your husband’s head….between your thighs!