I have been beating myself up for months and I need some advice on how wrong I’m being, or if I’m just normal. If I sound desperate, it’s because I am.
I was in a relationship with a man for nearly 5 years, with every day of it being what I’d always hoped for. We were best friends, our sex life was more than amazing. There were times when the smallest thing would turn one of us, or both of us on, and we couldn’t even wait to get back to our apartment, we would find an old dirty road, or even in the parking lot of a grocery store, not caring who might be the voyeur to our exhibitionist act, all we knew was, we wanted one another. Yes, I thought life for me at that point was perfect.
Long story short, his parents didn’t think I was the proper girl for him. They were a very wealthy, well-to-do family, and since I didn’t come from money, they wanted more for him. The pressure they put on our relationship finally won out, and we parted ways. I could say it was mutual, but, actually it was the fact my self esteem had been beaten down, and I could see the stress on his face every day, which eventually caused arguments between us over the smallest things, but they felt large at the time. Of course he would talk to his Mom each fight we had, wanting advice, and she always told him, “Honey, you could do so much better.” So, our relationship ended.
I was hurt, crushed, angry, a lot of different emotions, which included determined. I had to prove to myself that I was just as good as anyone else, and I would show him, I wouldn’t be just sitting at home, eating cookie dough and watching sappy love movies on TV while going through the Kleenex’s.
The first date I had, I made the most of it, a few too many drinks, a little more flirtation than I would normally show, yes, I was convincing the world and myself that I would be a treasure for any man. I ended up sleeping with him. We stayed together, I dated no one else, I was learning how to be in another relationship that might have a chance, I also learned I was pregnant. We were both happy and planned the wedding quickly. Things were good, even pregnancy sex was fun with him and we built a happy home.
Fast forward to 6 months ago, I was in the local mall shopping and bumped carts with another person, I looked up as I apologized and there was my ex. I honestly think my heart stopped and I don’t remember breathing. I was interrupted by the sound of my own voice saying, “Hello,” and he responded in like. We exchanged casual conversation for a couple of minutes and then went our separate ways.
My problem now is I cannot get him out of my mind. When my husband makes love to me, it’s my ex boyfriends hands I feel, it’s his lips I’m kissing, he’s the one fondling my large breasts and making me wetter than I’ve ever been. As long as I keep my eyes closed, I can keep the fantasy alive, which means multiple orgasms during sex, but afterwards, a feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself. How wrong am I?
Living In The Past
I’m sure you’ve always heard the saying that fantasies are healthy, and I believe that to be true, but like anything that’s good for you, there comes a point when it begins to poison the mind and body. I think it would be safe to say that a large population of those having sex allow their minds to drift to a past lover, or even a faceless stranger, to gain that extra bit of excitement to put them over the edge, it’s all in the name of a good old fashion orgasm.
From your detailed explanation, it sounds like your ex may have been your first true love, and granted, those memories and desires are definitely hard to shake. We don’t want to forget, and we shouldn’t, after all, it’s the past that leads us to the present, like a chain reaction. If you hadn’t broken up with him and been in the frame of mind you were, you may never have met your husband or have the wonderful family that you do, so, there is a reason for things that transpire.
It sounds to me as if your heart is overriding your head at this point, and, if it’s been going on for 6 months now, not lessening in intensity, then I think you need to do some serious soul searching, it’s only fair to yourself, your husband, your marriage and family. It seems things have been good between yourself and your husband, no issues to speak of, only those you haven’t spoken of, and that is the lust you still feel for your ex.
Maybe you can start setting some mental boundaries for yourself, such as, allow yourself a little indulgence sexually once a week, during a solo masturbation session, let your mind wander where it will, but use it as a weaning process. When the lights go off and the erection of your husband comes out, focus on him, experience what he does that makes you feel like a woman, what makes your panties wet and your nipples hard. It’s apparent you love him, now you just have to fall back in lust with him. Get a babysitter on Saturday night, and have a date with your spouse. Find a good movie that’s playing, sit in the back row, and reach a little deep into that buttered popcorn bucket, fondle your mate in the darkness of the theatre, lift your skirt a bit to flash more thigh, tease him and make him feel like he’s the only man in the world you want to give your womanly desires to, but be sure you also feel that he’s the only man for you as well.
If you find yourself unable to direct your passion and need back to the man your married to, and you’re still giving more of yourself to the fantasy of your ex, then maybe it’s time you talk to your husband, let him be your friend now, but be sure you make it clear that you do love him and you wanted to be honest. If you’re not comfortable in sharing that with him yet, maybe afraid he won’t be able to perform in bed after hearing you’re only having a climax thinking of what use to be, then by all means, seek some professional advice. There are a lot of ways to put the spark back to those dying embers, and before you know it, the new fires will be extinguishing your old flame!