Asa Akira’s Still At It (Again)

Asa Akira at Bang BusYou’d think after taking on two not-quite-but-almost-randomly selected dudes she found in South Beach, Asa Akira would be tiring of spreading her legs for inexperienced cocksmen, no matter how well they hold up under pressure. Sure, it makes for great adult entertainment, but what about her own sense of sexual satisfaction? Neither of the first two guys focused all his attention on getting her off, instead trying their hardest to keep hard and pop without much delay. They both did a pretty good job, sure, but Asa’s first ride on the Bang Bus hasn’t ended yet and there’s some guy in board shorts walking up to the bus right now… and he recognizes the graffiti-ridden interior and Ms. Akira both! Hopefully this dude will manage to polish off what could easily be the greatest pornstar-headed Bang Bus adventure of all time and ensure Asa returns for another jaunt sometime soon.

As soon as the latest of Asa’s pseudo-suitors ambles aboard the Bang Bus, he makes it abundantly clear that he’s willing to at least try to fuck the irresistible Japanese-American AVN winner, and, since he seems like a pretty “chill” dude, he’s given his shot at porno glory. Starting again with some tender making out, things soon move from the back seat to the floor where the guy quickly moves in what most women would call the only correct direction: down.

Using every trick, technique, and tool at his disposal, our latest wannabe-pornstar not only elicits a smile and a moan from an experienced pornstar and self-avowed wanton slut, but a legitimate orgasm, too! When asked if he has managed to arouse an erection, the board-shorted beach-goer replies in the negative. That’s ok, though; Asa’s already gotten off and now gets to snuggle with her new pal, who really just seems thrilled to be on the bus at all.

Lamenting the apparent finality of her first Bang Bus appearance – during which she came twice, just not with the Angry Birds player she fucked in the middle – Asa insists she’ll be returning for another go-around and tells the Bang Bus director that this isn’t “The End,” it’s just “To be continued…”

Possible Porno Auteurs

For all Hollywood’s financial, technological, and artistic success, no mainstream (or even indie) filmmaker has used any part of the Hollywood system to produce and distribute an explicit pornographic movie. Sure, a few directors have included unsimulated sex in their films specifically to arouse their audiences sexually, as opposed to intellectually or emotionally (see Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny or Larry Clark’s Ken Park), but where is that genre-breaking, convention-destroying hardcore sex movie Hollywood radicals have been promising for decades?

In order to encourage the more adventurous auteurs out there, I decided to come up with a short list of filmmakers I’d love to see tackle a narrative movie with explicit sex aimed at fairly mainstream audiences. Some choices might seem a little out there, but so are some of the directors’ oeuvres.

Steven Soderbergh:

While the Traffic and Oceans 11 director has announced he’ll be retiring after his current projects are finished, it’d be great if he could squeeze a hardcore porn flick out, too. Why? His upcoming Magic Mike stars Channing Tatum as a male stripper

Lars Von Trier:

Ok, so he refuses to visit America and hates the Hollywood system, but since he’s cast some of our greatest contemporary actors, let’s give the Danish enfant terrible a pass. He did, after all, includ a few brief glimpses of actual penetration in 2009’s Antichrist, but the bodies didn’t belong to actors Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe. Next time, Lars, why not go all out and have, say, Alexander Skarsgård present Christina Hendricks with a pearl necklace, porno style?

Steven Spielberg:

Everyone loves Spielberg, right? The guy made E.T. and Schindler’s List, for chrissakes! Doesn’t that prove he’s an unquestionable genius of the cinematic arts? Given his cache and cred, instead of wading in tear-jerking territory with his most recent efforts, why doesn’t Hollywood’s most powerful auteur put his weight behind something truly revolutionary? What’s that? He already has?

Hung like a War Horse

Well, color me impressed.

Blazing with Pornstars

Madison IvyToday, dear friends, is the day when stoners around the world wake up, bake up, and just keep on bakin’ all through the day. Today, good buddies, is 420, April 20th, the big FOUR-TWO-OH; the only day of the calendar year when you can find people blazing up across campuses, nature reserves, public parks, by the beach, and pretty much anywhere else they please. While anyone looking to have a lil’ toke this weekend should definitely keep in mind all applicable laws, whether in a Medical Marijuana State or not. If it’s not, like, totally illegal and shit wherever you are, spark one up and let your freak flag fly – ’cause your favorite pornstar is probably doing the very same thing. Need proof?

Bustacious cock-and-smoke-blower Madison Ivy – seen above with the result of a good day’s work on set – is clearly gearing up for a big day and is putting her engineering skills to work on a monster doobie. Careful not to put someone’s eye out with that, Ms. Ivy!

Self-styled alt.porn stoner chick Kayden Faye (a.k.a.: Kayden 420) is already kicking off celebrations in suitable style, putting on a smoke-filled cam show for her fans.

Marie Luv has already had a few #stonermoments, as you can see from this tweet: a poorly doctored image of Kermit the Frog and… Dude! Fuck! Oscar looks like a giant nug of weed, man! He totally does!

And my favorite stoner pornstar, Charley Chase, who has been exceedingly forthcoming about her 420 celebrations in the past, seems strangely quiet so far. From the looks of things, though, that could be because she’s been squeegeeing her third-eye open for a week in the lead up to 420. Take a look at this pic and tell me she’s not on cloud nine!

Charley Chase

For those who don’t smoke pot and wouldn’t know Jack Herer if he rose from the dead and passed you the dutchie, the weed aspect of 420 Girls might bore you, but the sites has hand picked the hottest stoner girls in adult entertainment and now features them talking about, imbibing, and showing off their stashes of nature’s little miracle weed in true pothead style. Dude, just check out this music video starring one of porn’s most outspoken stoners, Charlie Laine.

So, wherever your 420 takes you, whether you’re a dedicated OG Kush guy, a disciple of Indian Bhang, or someone with a hard-on for the White Widow, stay safe, have fun, and if you see a cool-looking chick with reddened eyes and a sly grin, for chrissakes talk to her! Who knows, you two could end up taking your pot party somewhere a little more private.

Asa’s Second South Beach Pickup

Asa Akira Bang BusAfter regaling you, dear reader, with the details of Asa Akira’s first Bang Bus conquest, all me another brief moment to tell you all about her second. No, she’s not back for another visit to Miami; she fucked three dudes in one trip! The first, as I’m sure you’ll recall, not only managed to get hard and stay hard for the duration of his time with the multiple AVN-winning Japanese-American hottie, but managed to make a very strong impression on both Asa, who clearly wanted to snuggle after the sex, and on whoever the new guy taking over from former Bang Bus helmer Preston Parker is; such a great impression the guy was even offered a job! How could Asa follow up such a stellar selection and would this next guy manage to make her cum, too?

After a few more minutes of cruising the South Beach area, Asa and the Bang Bus crew sidled up to a beachside reserve and Asa jumped out, ran up to, and promptly enticed to the graffiti-laden inside of the Bus a guy so nerdy even the usually very polite Ms. Akira made a joke or two at the expense of his apparent addiction to Angry Birds. Once aboard the bus, this new dude – let’s call him Shades; watch the scene and you’ll see why – seemed pleased as punch to be sitting next to a pornstar whose work he knew and enjoyed, but he seemed reluctant to make the first move. Leave that to Asa!

After some rather romantic making out – aww, ain’t lil’ Asa just an ol’ softie? – they get down to business and, while this newest cock wrangler might not be as impressively skilled as his predecessor, he nevertheless manages to pound that pus’ quite well from behind before unloading on Asa’s finely-formed ass. Sure, this guy didn’t manage to make her cum, but he still put in a more capable performance than Herr Director predicted; as he remarked to Asa after the pop, “I think it’s you.” No shit, dude. No shit.

Can you imagine being the third guy pulled into a dirty white van and given a chance to fuck one of the two or three greatest adult performers currently working? What if you couldn’t get it up? What if you could, you know, feel that you’re not the first or even the second guy to be inside this insanely hot and insatiably horny women? Would you give up you spot in line or stick around and make the most of the situation just for the chance to hang out on the fucking BANG BUS with fucking ASA AKIRA?

The last guy, well, let’s see what he goes through in the last of this three-part wrap-up of the only Bang Bus scene this reviewer has ever, ever watched from boring-ass beginning to messy, messy end. Next time, fellas. Next time.