Idols Romp in Playboy Mansion

While you sit at home lazing on the sofa dreaming about nabbing a chance to not just step foot inside the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner’s den of deliciously deviant behavior and some of the wildest parties Hollywood has ever known, American Idol’s nine surviving contestants are set to take up residence in, well, not the Playboy Mansion, but a a mansion nonetheless formerly occupied by the cast of Playboy TV’s recent reality fuckfest, “Swing.” Telling TMZ reporters about their relentless sexual adventures while they stayed at the lush ten bedroom Hollywood residence, swingers and former castmates, Michael and Holli also offered some advice to the new Idol occupants: watch where you sit.

“Swing” thrust real couples eager to experiment with open relationships into accommodations built for hooking up with anybody and everybody in sight. As a result, few places were off-limits when it came to satisfying ones desire. Michael and Holli detailed their activities and said no room or surface was off-limits when the swingers started swinging. In showers and elevators, outside, and on every floor and countertop in the residence, you could watch loving men and women share each other with other previously monogamous couples in fairly explicit detail on the Playboy TV show. Idols be warned: Hollywood ain’t the healthiest of towns and you just never know what’ll be stick to the back our your Blackberry should you set it down on a kitchen counter between tweets. And before you go grabbing that guitar and sitting on the music room floor for an impromptu Kumbaya singalong, you might want to check the carpet for stains; it turns out the room where the Idols will practice their warbling was once a mattress-filled pounding palace dubbed by the “The Boom Boom Room” Swing cast. Tasteful.

Blow Me Up Again, Tom

Tom LykisAny heterosexual male living in Southern California is surely aware of Tom Leykis, the talk radio shock-jock who owned the airwaves of the Los Angeles basin for many, many years before his former employer, KLSX on 97.1 FM, decided to change formats and launch an obnoxiously persistent stream of the latest pop disasterpieces. Taking some well earned downtime (and how) in between gigs, Tom Leykis, also known to his students, “sons”, and devoted listeners as “The Professor” or simply “Dad”, has been quietly but confidently building his own self-governed media empire.

The New Normal is the moniker given by Leykis to his new studio, broadcast catalog, and radio brand, and while Leykis hasn’t ever really been known for holding “normal” stances on most subjects, instead letting his libertarian philosophies pound truth somewhat forcibly into the minds of his mostly male audience. Most exciting is Monday’s upcoming official launch of The New Normal’s flagship show. Unsurprisingly presented by The Professor of Poon himself, the master debater so sorely missed on the bullshit-clogged airwaves, The Tom Leykis Show aims to bring back all the things that made Leykis’ former FM broadcasts some of the most controversial in the States.

Taking advantage of the social networking revolution, Leykis and his crew have been blowing up Facebook, Twitter, and their official website of late, posting promos, test broadcasts, and offering subscriptions to The Tom Leykis Show’s inaugural year at The New Normal. ($9.99 gets you one month of archived shows; $99.99 buys a year.) Anyone with an Internet connection, however, can head to Leykis’ homepage, Blow Me Up Tom, and tune in every afternoon at 3.00pm PST for a daily dose of Leykis 101 (Tom’s guide to getting laid cheaply, efficiently, and without the possibility of complications), Ask the Athiest (Tom speaking against the idiocy and ignorance of the religious), Flash Friday (flash your headlights at hot women in traffic and maybe they’ll flash back), and a slew of highly anticipated new features that will no doubt create as much controversy for Leykis as his old antics did, if not more. This is, after all, Tom’s show and now that he, not some faceless corporate entity, holds the reins, we can expect things to be even more brutally honest, borderline misogynist, and (to femi-nazis) violently repulsive than before. The New Normal will have Tom refusing to pull punches and dishing up the real story behind everything that happened in his absence from the airwaves, and on into the future.

And hey, old fans who just want their Professor back to guide them through the muddy swamp that is manhood, fans who just want to be “taken out old school” can rejoice in the wisdom of their surrogate father, leader, teacher, master, Tom motherfucking Leykis!

Charlize Theron: Hilariously Hacked

Charlize Theron sex tapeAside from her Oscar-winning turn as executed serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the 2003 film Monster, there have been very few roles Charlize Theron has played that didn’t cause her to become the subject of sexual daydreams and fantasies in the minds of both men and women all around the world. Today, though, Ms. Theron showed more of herself than ever before and bared her sexuality to a surprised (but not that surprised) public as footage and photos stolen from her cell phone hit the Internet, causing a million instantaneous Sunday erections.

Shown taunting the lens of her camera-phone and promising a scene so scandalous it’d ruin her career if made public and make all other celebrity sex scandals seem like a paparazzi-snapped stroll in Central Park, the South African former model, bares her teeth, gives a piercing stare, and speaks of being “so nervous” about this particular production, her very first sex tape. Wha?

A whip cracks in the background, Theron throws on some eerie avant-garde chanting CD and then it happens; the camera turns to reveal the sultry Oscar winner’s partners in porn, two men gussied up in restrictive leather bondage gear. From the other side of the room, Theron taunts and orders around her slaves, gently instructing them to dance. Then, without warning, a guttural bellow is heard, scalding hot milk is thrown at the muted, immobilized sissies, and the woman who identifies herself as, and most definitely is Charlize Theron is suddenly standing beneath two hooded, masked figures, gyrating against their cloaked bodies and getting dangerously close to fellating their oversized plaster probosces. Who knew A-listers that weren’t Richard Gere got this kinky?*

*Apparently Funny Or Die knew. Those fuckers.

Lost in Lust

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comDear Missy Pink;

Lately I’ve been checking the history on my boyfriend’s laptop and he has a lot of porn sites he’s saved. We use to look at those things together, but I thought they were silly and stopped, but apparently he’s continued when I’m not around. Do you think the sex sites are turning him on more than I do? I’m feeling really insecure over a computer.

Lost in Lust

Dear Lost;

I always try to find the silver lining to every sexual cloud before casting judgment upon anyone. If you turn your face a bit towards the sun, you’ll see there is a bright side to the fact that he did include you in the beginning, meaning he wasn’t trying to hide or sneak. You were the one that didn’t find it appealing and stopped sharing the juicy journey with him, which I’m sure he understood, it’s not for everyone, but apparently it is for him, so he continued. I can’t help but wonder if you really weren’t interested, or maybe you felt a bit threatened, and you thought if you stopped, he would too.

If that were the case, then you can’t really blame him for any boner filled backfiring that took place in your plan. Has your sex life decreased? You don’t mention that, so I get the impression he’s still assuming the position frequently enough that you feel comfortable in knowing you do indeed still turn him on. We have to remember that men are the visual species, so, if there’s a chance to look, we can’t blame them for following what’s in their “jeans.”

Nothing says you can’t become his personal little porn star. Break out that dusty credit card and buy yourself some lingerie and stockings, maybe a kick-ass pair of stilettos, and then show him that he can fall in love and in lust with you. Keep in mind the only actual satisfaction the porn brings to him is the hard-drive on his computer, but when he’s ready to slide his floppy into the portal of pleasure, he’ll find that waiting for him in bed each night. Don’t be threatened by something in cyber space, spin your own world wide web and let him curl your url!