Tag: Laughs

Dat Haircut!

A rather odd trend has been sweeping the porn industry of late and it doesn’t concern puckering anuses, cum-covered faces, Nacho Vidal, or ill-advised tattoos. Nope, this time a haircut is what’s got pornstars engaging in gossip circles, trading styling tips, and recommending scissor sisters who are more concerned with follicle health than eating pussy. A haircut, you say? Yeah, a fucking haircut! Check it out…

Pornstar haircuts

Eva Angelina, Christy Mack, Skin Diamond, and Kagney Linn Karter are four of the more notable pornstars sporting this rather extreme short-back-and-sides do that recalls the intricately shaved patterns on the heads of manner rappers and ballers, but until recently had not been seen in the pornographic arts. What possessed women so follically blessed models to take electric shavers to their temples and keep it superlong on top? Is this something of an aerodynamic design intended to aid their head-bobbing? Is this hairstyle akin to a gay man having a pierced right ear, except for wanton sluts? Should us guys just start publicly propositioning every woman we see with such an undercut?

Ladies, gentlemen, any insight you can toss my way would be much appreciated. My girlfriend has been considering this cut and I just gotta know what the fuck it means, if anything. Can I rest easy or should I be concerned that said girlfriend is out gallivanting around town, showing off her close-cropped sides to every swinging dick in the tri-zipcode area?

Earth’s Horniest Heroes

Vivid Video - Avengers parodyUnless you’ve been living under a drunken haze these past few months, you’re surely aware that a little comicbook movie about a team of mighty heroes in tight costumes called The Avengers just opened to record box office takings with $207.4 million opening weekend. There are, however, some long time members of the Merry Marvel Marching Society who haven’t yet shelled out the $9 dollars for a ticket (plus a $2 service charge and and another $3 for 3D glasses) to see their comic heroes on the big (really fucking big) screen. Rising ticket prices isn’t the only reason for avoiding the biggest blockbuster of the summer, though; there’s also resentment.

I, a long time fan of the Avengers comics – the Harris/Epting/Palmer run in the early ’90s, especially – resent the exclusion of the most attractive of the female team members: Ms. Marvel, The Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter, and, yes, even She-Hulk. With only ScarJo as feminine eye-candy, it stands to reason there’s demand enough from the male heterosexual portion of The Avengers’ audience to demand this travesty be rectified. It’s too late for Marvel, though. Axel Braun beat them to it.

Axel Braun is the undisputed king of the contemporary porn parody and the man responsible for such hardcore takes on comicbook legends as Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman, all in movies suffixed XXX: A Porn Parody, so it’s no shock he took on Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and it’s no surprise he decided to include such wearers of skimpy form-fitting costumes as those women listed above. If you’ve seen his work you’d know that Axel Braun is many things, but he ain’t no damn dummy.

Check out the trailer for The Avengers: A XXX Porn Parody then report back here immediately, solider. That’s an order! (Don’t worry, it’s SFW.)

Now, just tell me Lex Steele doesn’t give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money as Nick Fury, and tell me Xander Corvus doesn’t bring the appropriate self-obsessed teen angst Spider-Man requires, and tell me you wouldn’t risk being crippled by the aggressive sexual potency of Spider-Woman’s (Jenna Presley) pheromone-aided seductive techniques. And that’s the Jessica Drew Spider-Woman, not one of the other, lesser versions. And Braun’s got Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) in there, Brooklyn Lee squeezed into an ever tighter, shinier catsuit than ScarJo’s Black Widow, and fucking Chyna plays The Sensational She-Hulk – is that perfect casting or what? Really the only casting decision that seems a touch off is that of Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel; she’s great and all, but kinda slight for one of the most powerful human women in the Marvel Universe. How does the marvelous Ms. Swallow fare in her sex scenes with Spidey and Scarlet Witch? Vivid has every planet-threatening, kitten-saving, costume-shredding, face-blasting second of the most adventurous porn parody Braun has produced thus far, The Avengers XXX.

Possible Porno Auteurs

For all Hollywood’s financial, technological, and artistic success, no mainstream (or even indie) filmmaker has used any part of the Hollywood system to produce and distribute an explicit pornographic movie. Sure, a few directors have included unsimulated sex in their films specifically to arouse their audiences sexually, as opposed to intellectually or emotionally (see Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny or Larry Clark’s Ken Park), but where is that genre-breaking, convention-destroying hardcore sex movie Hollywood radicals have been promising for decades?

In order to encourage the more adventurous auteurs out there, I decided to come up with a short list of filmmakers I’d love to see tackle a narrative movie with explicit sex aimed at fairly mainstream audiences. Some choices might seem a little out there, but so are some of the directors’ oeuvres.

Steven Soderbergh:

While the Traffic and Oceans 11 director has announced he’ll be retiring after his current projects are finished, it’d be great if he could squeeze a hardcore porn flick out, too. Why? His upcoming Magic Mike stars Channing Tatum as a male stripper

Lars Von Trier:

Ok, so he refuses to visit America and hates the Hollywood system, but since he’s cast some of our greatest contemporary actors, let’s give the Danish enfant terrible a pass. He did, after all, includ a few brief glimpses of actual penetration in 2009’s Antichrist, but the bodies didn’t belong to actors Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe. Next time, Lars, why not go all out and have, say, Alexander Skarsgård present Christina Hendricks with a pearl necklace, porno style?

Steven Spielberg:

Everyone loves Spielberg, right? The guy made E.T. and Schindler’s List, for chrissakes! Doesn’t that prove he’s an unquestionable genius of the cinematic arts? Given his cache and cred, instead of wading in tear-jerking territory with his most recent efforts, why doesn’t Hollywood’s most powerful auteur put his weight behind something truly revolutionary? What’s that? He already has?

Hung like a War Horse

Well, color me impressed.

Blazing with Pornstars

Madison IvyToday, dear friends, is the day when stoners around the world wake up, bake up, and just keep on bakin’ all through the day. Today, good buddies, is 420, April 20th, the big FOUR-TWO-OH; the only day of the calendar year when you can find people blazing up across campuses, nature reserves, public parks, by the beach, and pretty much anywhere else they please. While anyone looking to have a lil’ toke this weekend should definitely keep in mind all applicable laws, whether in a Medical Marijuana State or not. If it’s not, like, totally illegal and shit wherever you are, spark one up and let your freak flag fly – ’cause your favorite pornstar is probably doing the very same thing. Need proof?

Bustacious cock-and-smoke-blower Madison Ivy – seen above with the result of a good day’s work on set – is clearly gearing up for a big day and is putting her engineering skills to work on a monster doobie. Careful not to put someone’s eye out with that, Ms. Ivy!

Self-styled alt.porn stoner chick Kayden Faye (a.k.a.: Kayden 420) is already kicking off celebrations in suitable style, putting on a smoke-filled cam show for her fans.

Marie Luv has already had a few #stonermoments, as you can see from this tweet: a poorly doctored image of Kermit the Frog and… Dude! Fuck! Oscar looks like a giant nug of weed, man! He totally does!

And my favorite stoner pornstar, Charley Chase, who has been exceedingly forthcoming about her 420 celebrations in the past, seems strangely quiet so far. From the looks of things, though, that could be because she’s been squeegeeing her third-eye open for a week in the lead up to 420. Take a look at this pic and tell me she’s not on cloud nine!

Charley Chase

For those who don’t smoke pot and wouldn’t know Jack Herer if he rose from the dead and passed you the dutchie, the weed aspect of 420 Girls might bore you, but the sites has hand picked the hottest stoner girls in adult entertainment and now features them talking about, imbibing, and showing off their stashes of nature’s little miracle weed in true pothead style. Dude, just check out this music video starring one of porn’s most outspoken stoners, Charlie Laine.

So, wherever your 420 takes you, whether you’re a dedicated OG Kush guy, a disciple of Indian Bhang, or someone with a hard-on for the White Widow, stay safe, have fun, and if you see a cool-looking chick with reddened eyes and a sly grin, for chrissakes talk to her! Who knows, you two could end up taking your pot party somewhere a little more private.