While many in the United States only know her as an insanely attractive walk-on player in such movies as The Italian Job, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, and Piranha 3D, Kelly Brook has a long career in her native England, a career encompassing everything from billboard modeling and a stint as a Page Three girl to, well, lunging blindfolded and open-mouthed at a dildo while seated across from fellow television personality Holly Willoughby, whose nickname “Willough-booby” gives you some indication of her talents. Yes, you read that correctly.
That absurdly mustachioed man messing with his lovely lady guests is Keith Lemon, a character created by British comedian Leigh Francis, whose antics revolve almost entirely around his libido and, for whatever reason, he has managed to thrust an erect phallus in front of two open-mouthed superbabes as they bob and weave, attempting to catch a straw (a dildo, a fish…) between their lips.
In comparison, American television’s most recently incident of extreme sexual suggestiveness was, well, Seth MacFarlane hosting the Oscars. With competition like that, it’s no wonder the Brits, those sexually naive and hilariously awkward Brits, might have us beat this season.
Playtex Products, the company that brought you the ubiquitous pink dish-washing glove, the Gentle Glide 360 tampon, and the Kinder-Grip graphic baby bottle, now introduces something previously unheard of, a baby wipe for sexually active adults, and they’ve chosen a rather odd young fellow to be the official spokesperson for Fresh + Sexy Wipes: Andrew W.K.
The unstoppable party animal, would-be UN Goodwill Ambassador to Bahrain, and avowed shower-resistor known to his parents as Andrew Wilkes-Krier might seem like a curious choice to represent a product intended for genital hygiene maintenance before and after sex, but as the relentless partier is hot on the heels of a tour celebrating the 10th anniversary re-release of his debut album, I Get Wet, maybe it makes perfect sense after all.
Andrew says: “Whether you just finished rocking a packed club or have an intimate encounter after a busy day, this product will make couples feel brand new. Fresh + Sexy Wipes were specially designed to help couples feel confidently clean, before and after they engage in sexual activity!”
All this from a guy who celebrates the accumulation of bodily filth on his all-white uniform and routinely vomits blood on himself after a Taco Bell binge? With Andrew W.K., every situation is an opportunity to party, clean or dirty, naked or clothed.
This past Sunday, The 85th Academy Awards celebrated the efforts of filmmakers, business people, and performers and the films we loved throughout the year. Daniel Day-Lewis won another Oscar and that foxy Hunger Games chick won her first (at just 22-years-old!), but the real winners weren’t filling the Dolby Theater in Hollywood, they were the heterosexual men watching at home.
Even before first-time (and last-time) host Seth MacFarlance belted out an instantly loathed song about seeing the breasts of female actresses on the big screen, naming names and titles with aggressive glee, boobs were the talk of the red carpet. Winner of Best Supporting Actress, Les Misérables’ Anne Hathaway, waltzed into the ceremony (and all the pomp and circumstance that surrounds it) with nipples blazing bright. Dubbed “Les Nipplerables” by the hash-taggers of Twitter, Hathaway’s perkiness distracted, at least, from that horrific hairstyle she seemingly dropped onto her head from a great height. Bonus!
Gawker has the full video compilation of every crude, offensive, sexist, racist, and otherwise questionable joke MacFarlane made during his hosting gig, but if you just want to see the best advertising (42 million viewers!) Mr. Skin never paid for, a performance Salon has called a celebration of misogyny (among other things), the infamous We Saw Your Boobs song, well, here you go:
British four-piece pop group, The Spice Girls might’ve seemed naff at their heyday in 1997, but no matter how well cultivated your musical tastes might have been, you still knew them by their nicknames and precocious “Girl Power” ideology. And now, thanks to Jordan Septo, the master of the musically-inclined porn parodies, you’ll get to see Sporty, Scary, Ginger, Posh, and Baby Spice in refashions the biggest-selling girl group of all time as wannabe (geddit?) pornstars.
Following on from the success of Saturday Night Fever XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody and OMG… It’s the Flashdance XXX Parody, Septo has shifted focus to more recent nostalgia acts with the rather predictably titled OMG… It’s the Spice Girls Parody. With ol’ reliable Evan Stone taking the paternal role of the Spice Girls’ manager, Simon Fuller, the rest of the cast have been plucked from all stratas of the adult industry and given the chance to fill the tallest platforms in porn history. As Scary Spice (Melanie Brown), ring-locked Misty Stone gleefully strides with a buoyant smile and leopard-print catsuit. One of porn’s signature redheads, Dani Jensen seems a fairly appropriate fit for Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell), but doesn’t quite fill out her signature Union Jack dress well enough, if you ask me. Baby Spice (Emma Bunton) is played by an effervescent and effusively girly Jessie Rogers, who dons a candy colored dress and pigtails. As the future wife of footballer David Beckham, Allie Haze does her best Posh Spice (Victoria Adams) impersonation in, what else but a little black Gucci dress. The incredibly fit (in more ways than one) Dani Daniels, hot on the heels of her breakthrough feature role for Elegant Angel, tackles arguably the most difficult Spice Girl, Sporty (Melanie Chisolm), who, thanks to her trim, boyish figure was unfortunately labelled “the lesbo one”.
I don’t know about you fellas, but I’ve been ogling the Spice Girls for years ever since Say You’ll Be There, so I’ve no complaints about this particular parody. What, though, of the precedent Septo’s latest effort sets? Where do we go from here, porn parodies of other musical acts? An Abba parody would be loads of fun, as would a parody focusing on the legendary sexual exploits of some famous rock studs – Hendrix and Cynthia Plaster-Caster, Led Zep and a tuna, both the Glimmer and the Toxic Twins perhaps – but history dictates the end result will be something nobody wants to see: Nickelback porn.
While many in the United States only know her as an insanely attractive walk-on player in such movies as The Italian Job, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, and Piranha 3D, Kelly Brook has a long career in her native England, a career encompassing everything from billboard modeling and a stint as a Page Three girl to, well, lunging blindfolded and open-mouthed at a dildo while seated across from fellow television personality Holly Willoughby, whose nickname “Willough-booby” gives you some indication of her talents. Yes, you read that correctly.
