Category: News

Ice Cream Jokesters Can’t Take a Joke

Ben & Cherry's
Caballero Home Video

Ice cream company, Ben & Jerry’s, has sued adult film companies Rodax Distributors and Caballero Video, alleging that the release of hardcore pornographic films bearing titles similar to those given to their own internationally famous ice-cream products will likely cause “confusion, mistake or deception” and leave hungry confectionery fans bewildered. Uh, I didn’t get any sweaty testicles in my tub of Schweddy Balls, fellas! What gives?

In an apparent lack of self-awareness and a notable loss of any sense of humor, Ben & Jerry’s found the forthcoming Ben & Cherry’s porn DVDs so offensive that they immediately issued a threatening lawsuit that has unfortunately resulted in the targeted titles, which include Boston Cream Thigh, New York Fat & Chunky, and Peanut Butter D-Cup, from retail shelves around the country. Rodax and Caballero filed a federal consent order in Manhattan Tuesday that specifies that they will now destroy all materials related to the titles.

So, let me get this straight: Ben & Jerry’s can make mad bank with immature double entendre names for ice cream products – names like Schweddy Balls, the Hindu-mocking Karamel Sutra, and Chubby Hubby (briefly also known as Hubby Hubby) – but they can’t take a joke, let alone an obvious parody (a staple of the adult industry) when it “threatens” their registered copyrights? What do they expect, some choc fudge craving holy terror to just blindly wander into an adult establishment, pick up a DVD case, pry open the seal and start chowing down? What’s next, Bill Cosby suing the makers of Not The Cosby Show XXX because it really isn’t the Cosby Show?

Fred Willard: Busted for Beat-Off

Remember when Paul “Pee-Wee Herman” Ruebens was busted for masturbating in a Florida porn theater back in 1991 and how it all but ruined his career for a good eight or nine years? Well, Fred Willard, star of TV’s Fernwood Tonight and Modern Family, and films like Anchorman and Best in Show, is facing the same crisis of celebrity after also being found beating-off in Hollywood Tiki Theater, a theater screening adult movies, by LAPD officers.

Willard was arrested on July 18 after an LAPD officer conducting a “walk-through” in the theater allegedly found the comedian engaging in a “lewd act”. While many news outlets have been reporting the act as masturbation, plain and simple, Willard offered his version of events on Twitter.

The film in question? Well, at the time of his arrest Willard would’ve been watching one of three movies playing on a rotating schedule: Follow Me 2 (Evil Angel), Official The Client List Parody (Zero Tolerance), or Relax He’s My Stepdad 2 (Combat Zone). Instead of venturing out into (relative) public world to, uh, enjoy himself with a porn movie, perhaps Willard should’ve stayed home. That’s the sentiment behind an offer from Gamelink, an adult video-on-demand service; an offer of a lifetime supply of V.O.D. minutes and a free masturbator sex toy of his choice.

Man, maybe I should start beating off in theaters, too!

TSA Saves Airline Passengers from Huge Dick

A rather odd tale of air travel security popped up on Huffington Post this week, telling of a man who was temporarily detained and question by TSA agents after they detected an abnormal, uh, package in his trousers.

Jonah Flacon

Brooklyn’s Jonah Falcon, an actor with uncredited roles in such films as Death to Smoochy, City by the Sea, The Good Shepherd, and A Beautiful Mind, was slowly making his way through a security checkpoint at San Francisco International Airport on July 9th when a TSA agent noticed the prominent bulge in his pants and decided it was time to pull out that ol’ “Sir, that cock is weapon,” line. Only the agent was unaware of who he was dealing with. Falcon is, after all, the owner of the world’s largest recorded penis. At 13.5″, Falcon’s member was even large enough to cause the rumor mill to falsely claim his father was none other than porn legend, John Holmes.

Falcon told HuffPo that he had packed his own belongings carefully “to the left” and that he wasn’t erect “at the time”. After an agent inquired as to the contents of his pockets, Falcon admitted that they were empty. The next step was to haul Falcon and his hidden anatomical marvel into an x-ray body scanner and through a metal detector. Still puzzled, another agent of the TSA asked Falcon if he had some kind of abnormal growth. The agents even applied some powder to Falcon’s pants in order to detect whether or not the mysterious package was of a threatening nature. Eventually giving up the search for answers, the agents set Falcon off to his gate, where he made his flight without delay.

Now, this could be a thoroughly embarrassing situation for any number of reasons, but for Falcon, it was a laughable affair and a lesson he’ll take with him on all future travels. “I’m just gonna wear bike shorts from now on,” he said. “That way they’ll know. You’d think the San Francisco TSA would have had experience with hung guys before, but I guess not.”

Aussie Sex Party Not Playing Games With Censors

Australian Sex PartyThe continuing saga of the Australian Sex Party, Down Under’s most absurdly controversial political outfit, and its leader, Fiona Patten took a strange turn with the recent implementation of an R18+ classification for video games putting pressure on the federal government to reassess the current classification of much softcore and hardcore pornography, which remains illegal in many parts of the country.

Federal Minister for Home Affairs and Minister for Justice Jason Clare said of the recent passing in the Senate of legislation that would introduce an R18+ legal classification of video and computer games depicting such extreme acts as murder and physical assault that makes such games available to adults but not minors, “The R18+ category will inform consumers, parents, and retailers about which games are not suitable for minors to play… The reforms also mean that adults are able to choose what games they play within the bounds of the law.”

Patten and the Australian Sex Party are up in arms because this focus on permitting depictions of violent activities suggests those activities are more acceptable than the still-banned graphic depictions of human sexual interaction. “The ALRC (Australian Law Reform Commission) has recommended that the Commonwealth assume enforcement powers for classification issues… so that the Asutralian moral standards are seen as equal in different jurisdictions. THis needs to be expedited or come next January [when the law is to take effect] we will see computer games legally available in Queensland that are four and five times more explicit than restricted (Category 1) softcore magazines, which are banned in that state.” An absurd situation and understandable complaint, right?

“If ‘simulated’ depictions of high level sexual activity will soon be legal in commuter games, the government should consider amalgamating the two upper adult categories of R18+ and X18+,” Patten said, calling such simulations “extremely real” and claiming the difference between the R and X ratings will be “merely academic and of little consequence” to most users of so classified content.

Whether or not Patten and her comrades will have any real impact on the impending rejigging of Australia’s classifications remains to be seen. Until then, violence-addicted Aussies can rest easy knowing that, although they might not be able to kick back and watch a classic hardcore movie without worrying about Johnny Law beating down the door, they can at least commit dozens of acts of assault, battery, and homicide, all depicted in extremely graphic fashion, with no legal consequence. In short: fucking’s out but killing is bonze, mate!