Porn | Mr. Pink's Blog - Part 182

Earth’s Horniest Heroes

Unless you’ve been living under a drunken haze these past few months, you’re surely aware that a little comicbook movie about a team of mighty heroes in tight costumes called The Avengers just opened to record box office takings with $207.4 million opening weekend. There are, however, some long time members of the Merry Marvel Marching Society who haven’t yet shelled out the $9 dollars for a ticket (plus a $2 service charge and and another $3 for 3D glasses) to see their comic heroes on the big (really fucking big) screen. Rising ticket prices isn’t the only reason for avoiding the biggest blockbuster of the summer, though; there’s also resentment.

I, a long time fan of the Avengers comics – the Harris/Epting/Palmer run in the early ’90s, especially – resent the exclusion of the most attractive of the female team members: Ms. Marvel, The Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter, and, yes, even She-Hulk. With only ScarJo as feminine eye-candy, it stands to reason there’s demand enough from the male heterosexual portion of The Avengers’ audience to demand this travesty be rectified. It’s too late for Marvel, though. Axel Braun beat them to it.

Axel Braun is the undisputed king of the contemporary porn parody and the man responsible for such hardcore takes on comicbook legends as Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman, all in movies suffixed XXX: A Porn Parody, so it’s no shock he took on Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and it’s no surprise he decided to include such wearers of skimpy form-fitting costumes as those women listed above. If you’ve seen his work you’d know that Axel Braun is many things, but he ain’t no damn dummy.

Check out the trailer for The Avengers: A XXX Porn Parody then report back here immediately, solider. That’s an order! (Don’t worry, it’s SFW.)

Now, just tell me Lex Steele doesn’t give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money as Nick Fury, and tell me Xander Corvus doesn’t bring the appropriate self-obsessed teen angst Spider-Man requires, and tell me you wouldn’t risk being crippled by the aggressive sexual potency of Spider-Woman’s (Jenna Presley) pheromone-aided seductive techniques. And that’s the Jessica Drew Spider-Woman, not one of the other, lesser versions. And Braun’s got Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) in there, Brooklyn Lee squeezed into an ever tighter, shinier catsuit than ScarJo’s Black Widow, and fucking Chyna plays The Sensational She-Hulk – is that perfect casting or what? Really the only casting decision that seems a touch off is that of Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel; she’s great and all, but kinda slight for one of the most powerful human women in the Marvel Universe. How does the marvelous Ms. Swallow fare in her sex scenes with Spidey and Scarlet Witch? Vivid has every planet-threatening, kitten-saving, costume-shredding, face-blasting second of the most adventurous porn parody Braun has produced thus far, The Avengers XXX.

Audrey’s Booty’s Back

For what was starting to seem like an endless winter, Audrey Hollander, the soft-spoken redhead who seemed determined to shove every object known to man upside her anus, appeared to be on hiatus from her porn career, if not retired altogether. Having divorced her husband Otto Bauer, Audrey apparently decided to gain some perspective by stepping back from the industry that she had set ablaze with her trademark rough, frenetic anal penetration scenes. Now, with a sassy new hairdo and a recharged sexual energy, Audrey comes hurtling back to porn with one of her most powerful scenes yet.

As Audrey Hollander became synonymous with supremely rough hardcore sex, it shouldn’t surprise her fans to discover that she quietly launched her on a Kink dot com website, in a late February scene on Bound Gangbangs specifically. Thrust into a bedroom set and pounced upon by four guys – or maybe five; it can be hard to tell in all the confusion – Audrey is, in the words of Kink’s wordsmith, “brutally manhandled…gets two dicks in her ass, then two dicks in her pussy while in bondage!!!” Yup, true to the sites premise, Audrey spends almost the entire scene with both sets of limbs bound together or to her torso or to each other with thick rope, and somehow manages to cover role-play, bondage, double penetrations both vaginal and anal, fisting (in both all three orifices), spitting, slapping, breast abuse, choking and gagging, and messy semenal deposits both inside her and on her pale, freckled face and chest. Wow!

Such a potent scene would scare of most beautiful young pornstar women, regardless of their dedication to their work, but, as is her M.O., Audrey takes it all in stride and even ends the scene by promising she’ll be back for more. Oh, and if you’re bummed you can’t check out Audrey’s astonishingly brutal return without a Bound Gangbangs members, don’t be; like those on all Kink websites, this scene is also available to stream or download through the network’s pay-per-view system. Is that music to a hardcore lover’s ears or what?

Asa Akira’s Still At It (Again)

You’d think after taking on two not-quite-but-almost-randomly selected dudes she found in South Beach, Asa Akira would be tiring of spreading her legs for inexperienced cocksmen, no matter how well they hold up under pressure. Sure, it makes for great adult entertainment, but what about her own sense of sexual satisfaction? Neither of the first two guys focused all his attention on getting her off, instead trying their hardest to keep hard and pop without much delay. They both did a pretty good job, sure, but Asa’s first ride on the Bang Bus hasn’t ended yet and there’s some guy in board shorts walking up to the bus right now… and he recognizes the graffiti-ridden interior and Ms. Akira both! Hopefully this dude will manage to polish off what could easily be the greatest pornstar-headed Bang Bus adventure of all time and ensure Asa returns for another jaunt sometime soon.

As soon as the latest of Asa’s pseudo-suitors ambles aboard the Bang Bus, he makes it abundantly clear that he’s willing to at least try to fuck the irresistible Japanese-American AVN winner, and, since he seems like a pretty “chill” dude, he’s given his shot at porno glory. Starting again with some tender making out, things soon move from the back seat to the floor where the guy quickly moves in what most women would call the only correct direction: down.

Using every trick, technique, and tool at his disposal, our latest wannabe-pornstar not only elicits a smile and a moan from an experienced pornstar and self-avowed wanton slut, but a legitimate orgasm, too! When asked if he has managed to arouse an erection, the board-shorted beach-goer replies in the negative. That’s ok, though; Asa’s already gotten off and now gets to snuggle with her new pal, who really just seems thrilled to be on the bus at all.

Lamenting the apparent finality of her first Bang Bus appearance – during which she came twice, just not with the Angry Birds player she fucked in the middle – Asa insists she’ll be returning for another go-around and tells the Bang Bus director that this isn’t “The End,” it’s just “To be continued…”

Possible Porno Auteurs

For all Hollywood’s financial, technological, and artistic success, no mainstream (or even indie) filmmaker has used any part of the Hollywood system to produce and distribute an explicit pornographic movie. Sure, a few directors have included unsimulated sex in their films specifically to arouse their audiences sexually, as opposed to intellectually or emotionally (see Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny or Larry Clark’s Ken Park), but where is that genre-breaking, convention-destroying hardcore sex movie Hollywood radicals have been promising for decades?

In order to encourage the more adventurous auteurs out there, I decided to come up with a short list of filmmakers I’d love to see tackle a narrative movie with explicit sex aimed at fairly mainstream audiences. Some choices might seem a little out there, but so are some of the directors’ oeuvres.

Steven Soderbergh:

While the Traffic and Oceans 11 director has announced he’ll be retiring after his current projects are finished, it’d be great if he could squeeze a hardcore porn flick out, too. Why? His upcoming Magic Mike stars Channing Tatum as a male stripper

Lars Von Trier:

Ok, so he refuses to visit America and hates the Hollywood system, but since he’s cast some of our greatest contemporary actors, let’s give the Danish enfant terrible a pass. He did, after all, includ a few brief glimpses of actual penetration in 2009’s Antichrist, but the bodies didn’t belong to actors Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe. Next time, Lars, why not go all out and have, say, Alexander Skarsgård present Christina Hendricks with a pearl necklace, porno style?

Steven Spielberg:

Everyone loves Spielberg, right? The guy made E.T. and Schindler’s List, for chrissakes! Doesn’t that prove he’s an unquestionable genius of the cinematic arts? Given his cache and cred, instead of wading in tear-jerking territory with his most recent efforts, why doesn’t Hollywood’s most powerful auteur put his weight behind something truly revolutionary? What’s that? He already has?

Well, color me impressed.