Porn | Mr. Pink's Blog - Part 182

Smurfing Around with Hustler

Of all notable pop culture properties, few are less overtly sexual than The Smurfs. The Muppets have that dominating vixen Miss Piggy and even the Teletubbies offered up some rather sexual imagery (those things on their heads sure seemed phallic and Twinky Winky was a noted gay icon), but the closest it seems The Smurfs ever came to promoting discussion of sexuality was that scene in Donnie Darko where Donnie’s friends suggest Smurfette, as the only notable female Smurf, serviced the entire village; hardly a reputable journal of psychological or sociological inquiry. There you have it, Smurfs aren’t a sexually motivated creation. This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX, however, is.

Another parody porn from the reigning king of the genre, director Axel Braun, this seemingly uncalled for hardcore romp through Smurfdom centers around the not at all blue pornstar, Nicole Aniston. Slaving away behind the reception desk at the Hustler offices, Nicole is startled by the sudden space-time-continuum-destroying arrival of three little blue people on her desk. It turns out Brainy Smurf (Jeremy Conway) rigged up a teleportation device and thrust himself, Papa Smurf (Jay Crew), and the delightful Smurfette (Lexi Belle) into the present day real world. Evan Stone, also plodding around the Hustler offices – so, no springing for elaborate sets or location shoots then, Braun? – presents Nicole with a challenge: if he finds the little blue critters, he’ll want them all to himself, forcing the busty blonde to distract him the only way she knows how. Fast-forward a touch and the Smurfs soon discover another of their kind (Charley Chase) and Hustler shutterbug Bill Diehl promptly shoots both Smurfettes in a lesbian scene that begins the show the superficial nature of their blue skin.

Soon enough, the bright blue penises arrive on the scene and the colorful makeup is really put to the test. Although it’s somewhat distracting to find yourself counting the globs of blue body paint falling off the performers as Papa and Brainy prove to Charley that they’re blue from head to toe, even beneath their tight white and red trousers. Lexi’s Smurfette isn’t denied a solid dicking, either, and the final sex scene pits her diminutive cobalt pussy against Gargamel’s (Barry Scott) impressive pink sword.

This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX is now available as a two-disc set (with bonus 3-D version and glasses included) in adult retail establishments everywhere. Those fully devoted to online video can see the bluest blue movie of all time at Hustler.

Le Petite Revenge

It looks like AMKingdom might just be the lucky adult entertainment company to come away with this seasons biggest smash as the company’s high profile release, Revenge of the Petites, has now sold out of its entire first printing. Overwhelmingly positive reviews have been flowing in from all corners of the industry since the title’s initial May 9 release. Revenge of the Petites, which stars Marie McCray, Skin Diamond, Vanessa Cage, and Celeste Star, has been called “An absolute must-see,” by AVN’s Peter Warren and “A charming, light-hearted feature with impressive production values,” by XBIZ’s Dan Miller. Now, as it goes back for a second printing to fulfill existing orders and fall into the laps of thus-far-deprived customers, praise just keeps piling on for AMKingdom’s big budget college-themed sexual extravaganza.

Revenge of the Petites sees director Harry Sparks and stars Marie McCray, Skin Diamond, and the rest of the girls taking on the tried and true tradition of American coming-of-age college comedies like Revenge of the Nerds, American Pie, and Animal House, but with a decidedly more provocative slant. But to what can AMKingdom attribute the release’s success? CraveOnline editor William Bibbiani points to director Sparks: “Sparks is a legitimately strong director who isn’t trying to make a mainstream film that happens to have sex with it, or an ‘adult’ film that happens to have a narrative. He incorporates both mindsets, thought by some to be inherently conflicting, in fairly equal measure and crafts in the process a genuine motion picture experience that’s both pleasurable and arousing. We have a long way to go before the worlds of conventional filmmaking and pornographic content are intertwined, but Revenge of the Petites is at the very least a step in the right direction.”

I’d suggest picking up your copy sooner rather than later unless you want to miss the Petites boat altogether. Who knows how long this printing will last.

Earth’s Horniest Heroes

Unless you’ve been living under a drunken haze these past few months, you’re surely aware that a little comicbook movie about a team of mighty heroes in tight costumes called The Avengers just opened to record box office takings with $207.4 million opening weekend. There are, however, some long time members of the Merry Marvel Marching Society who haven’t yet shelled out the $9 dollars for a ticket (plus a $2 service charge and and another $3 for 3D glasses) to see their comic heroes on the big (really fucking big) screen. Rising ticket prices isn’t the only reason for avoiding the biggest blockbuster of the summer, though; there’s also resentment.

I, a long time fan of the Avengers comics – the Harris/Epting/Palmer run in the early ’90s, especially – resent the exclusion of the most attractive of the female team members: Ms. Marvel, The Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter, and, yes, even She-Hulk. With only ScarJo as feminine eye-candy, it stands to reason there’s demand enough from the male heterosexual portion of The Avengers’ audience to demand this travesty be rectified. It’s too late for Marvel, though. Axel Braun beat them to it.

Axel Braun is the undisputed king of the contemporary porn parody and the man responsible for such hardcore takes on comicbook legends as Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman, all in movies suffixed XXX: A Porn Parody, so it’s no shock he took on Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and it’s no surprise he decided to include such wearers of skimpy form-fitting costumes as those women listed above. If you’ve seen his work you’d know that Axel Braun is many things, but he ain’t no damn dummy.

Check out the trailer for The Avengers: A XXX Porn Parody then report back here immediately, solider. That’s an order! (Don’t worry, it’s SFW.)

Now, just tell me Lex Steele doesn’t give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money as Nick Fury, and tell me Xander Corvus doesn’t bring the appropriate self-obsessed teen angst Spider-Man requires, and tell me you wouldn’t risk being crippled by the aggressive sexual potency of Spider-Woman’s (Jenna Presley) pheromone-aided seductive techniques. And that’s the Jessica Drew Spider-Woman, not one of the other, lesser versions. And Braun’s got Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) in there, Brooklyn Lee squeezed into an ever tighter, shinier catsuit than ScarJo’s Black Widow, and fucking Chyna plays The Sensational She-Hulk – is that perfect casting or what? Really the only casting decision that seems a touch off is that of Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel; she’s great and all, but kinda slight for one of the most powerful human women in the Marvel Universe. How does the marvelous Ms. Swallow fare in her sex scenes with Spidey and Scarlet Witch? Vivid has every planet-threatening, kitten-saving, costume-shredding, face-blasting second of the most adventurous porn parody Braun has produced thus far, The Avengers XXX.

Audrey’s Booty’s Back

For what was starting to seem like an endless winter, Audrey Hollander, the soft-spoken redhead who seemed determined to shove every object known to man upside her anus, appeared to be on hiatus from her porn career, if not retired altogether. Having divorced her husband Otto Bauer, Audrey apparently decided to gain some perspective by stepping back from the industry that she had set ablaze with her trademark rough, frenetic anal penetration scenes. Now, with a sassy new hairdo and a recharged sexual energy, Audrey comes hurtling back to porn with one of her most powerful scenes yet.

As Audrey Hollander became synonymous with supremely rough hardcore sex, it shouldn’t surprise her fans to discover that she quietly launched her on a Kink dot com website, in a late February scene on Bound Gangbangs specifically. Thrust into a bedroom set and pounced upon by four guys – or maybe five; it can be hard to tell in all the confusion – Audrey is, in the words of Kink’s wordsmith, “brutally manhandled…gets two dicks in her ass, then two dicks in her pussy while in bondage!!!” Yup, true to the sites premise, Audrey spends almost the entire scene with both sets of limbs bound together or to her torso or to each other with thick rope, and somehow manages to cover role-play, bondage, double penetrations both vaginal and anal, fisting (in both all three orifices), spitting, slapping, breast abuse, choking and gagging, and messy semenal deposits both inside her and on her pale, freckled face and chest. Wow!

Such a potent scene would scare of most beautiful young pornstar women, regardless of their dedication to their work, but, as is her M.O., Audrey takes it all in stride and even ends the scene by promising she’ll be back for more. Oh, and if you’re bummed you can’t check out Audrey’s astonishingly brutal return without a Bound Gangbangs members, don’t be; like those on all Kink websites, this scene is also available to stream or download through the network’s pay-per-view system. Is that music to a hardcore lover’s ears or what?