Tag: Sex Advice

Ms. Pink,

I’ve read your articles and I hope it’s alright for a gay male to ask a question. I’m in my late 50’s, and have been with the same partner for 19 years, but, our sex life has gotten more than stale. It seems nothing I do anymore is exciting to him, he’s grown tired of me and I must admit, I have fantasies that I’ve never told him about, or anyone else before now. I’m not very well endowed, in fact, my manhood is quite small, and the thought of another man humiliating me about the size of my cock while spanking me is the only thing that gets me hard enough to masturbate. I wouldn’t want anyone to find out about my kinky desires, but I’m not sure how to feel that type of turn on.

Over The Knee Needs

Dear Friend;

First of all, never feel shame over your fantasies, the mind works as it does and there are many things we can control in our lives, but drifting, desirable thoughts isn’t one of them. Yes, we can control whether we act upon them or not, but, they’ll slip in when you least expect it, it’s human nature. You can be making passionate love with the person of your dream, having everything absolutely perfect at that moment, but, at the time of orgasm, your mind suddenly shifts to something totally different, it’s just the way our libido works, it’s confusing and exciting, all wrapped up in one morsel of life.

It sounds as if you might be making a circle of sorts with your BDSM fantasy. First of all, you get sexually turned on at the thought of humiliation and spanking, but you also don’t want your long time partner or anyone else to know, which in turn feeds the fire of the same fantasies. It’s as if you’re being punished for having such thoughts, hence, the spanking aspect. And of course, the being ridiculed over having a small cock is also a form of verbal brutality as well.

Meaning, the same items that give you an erection for masturbation are items that bring a subconscious guilt as well, which make them even more taboo. There’s a submissive side to you, and possibly somewhere back in your younger years, you were humiliated by someone and it took a turn into a sexual nature, and you’ve remembered that type of stimulation, now making you long for it once again. You want someone else to control the dynamic in power, and, the spanking is all a part of the humiliation, making it a verbal and physical desire for you.

The question is, do you really want to experience this lifestyle or is it just something in your mind that says if you have it, then everything will be beautiful in your world again. There are many different ways of being degraded in a submissive situation, such as body worship, foot worship, bondage, even menial tasks such as cleaning someone’s house naked, scrubbing floors, toilets, the list could go on endlessly, but for you, the act of being spanked is the main focal point of what you want.

Being gay has nothing to do with your secret desires, these things can live in the mind of people from all sexual orientation. If you don’t feel confident in discussing what you’d like with your partner, then think of a friend, someone you trust, express your desires, even if it’s a female that may have cuckolding tendencies. If she has a male significant other that would be open to a bisexual relationship, share a threesome, get a taste of what you’re wanting and see if it still holds the same power as it does for you to masturbate by.

I would recommend however, no matter who you experience this fetish with, be open and honest with your partner, at least tell him what’s in your heart, what you need at this stage of you relationship, be faithful in the fact that you’ve shared many years together. He may surprise you and partake in the things that intrigue you, to spice things up. You said nothing you do seems to turn him on anymore, which means he’s wanting something different as well. Turn yourself over to him with honesty and he may then surprise you by turning you over his knee.

Dearest Missy Pink,

First of all, I want to say, I’m in my mid 40’s, have been married for nearly 20 years and am a successful business owner. My husband has never felt threatened in any way by my place in the community, or financial independence, in fact, he’s always been my biggest supporter in every endeavor. With my job, I do have to travel, and, when packing my suitcases, I will include what I call my “travel toy.” A smaller sized vibrator, sex toy, and, I’ve never hidden it from my spouse. We are open in all discussions about every topic, and our relations are no different. I’ve explained to him that while in a motel room, I enjoy relaxing with a solo masturbation session before falling asleep, it has no reflection on him, it’s just something I do for myself. He feels as though I’m replacing him in our love life with a battery operated device, and he is threatened by my using it. It remains packed in it’s personal case when I’m at home, it only comes out when I pack for a business trip. How do I make him understand he has nothing to fear?

— Buzzing Business

Dear Friend;

There are a few different factors that come in to play

– from the situation you’ve presented me with.

You’re more than pleased in knowing your husband doesn’t feel threatened by your status in the community, or the fact that your paycheck holds a digit or two more than his own, so, first of all, allow me to offer a pat on the back to him for being secure in his manhood. He’s given much it sounds like, but, I’m sure your relationship has been filled with give and take scenarios, so, you’re both to be commended.

Since he has been your biggest fan throughout the occurrences of life, you feel more than confused over why a small sex toy should make him feel inadequate. And he, on the other hand is probably disappointed with himself for having those feelings, but, at least you have the type of closeness where being open and honest is a natural act, nothing is kept inside to brew and manifest into an even larger issue.

For one moment, kick off your high heels and step into his shoes, look at things from where he’s standing. He has supported you throughout the last 20 plus years of your life, he’s stepped back just a bit, with no qualms, for you to be large and in charge, even though some men may have seen that as a blow to their ego, he’s been happy to do whatever puts a smile on your face.

But, when it comes to the bedroom, where your business suit and stockings come off, the glasses are removed from the bridge of your nose, and your long hair falls softly over your shoulders, instead of wrapped tightly on the top of your head, you are now a bit more submissive, and he brings the strength to the sheets. This is where your husband feels he is now in control, the stronger and more powerful, HE is the one that brings you pleasure and passion during hardcore actions. What this means is, when you pick up the case that carries your smaller sized vibrator and place it into your suitcase, he does feel as though he’s being replaced, because in his mind, that battery operated sex toy will bring you to an orgasm the same way he does, and quite possibly, he may fear, even better.

You have the type of relationship with your husband where there’s wonderful openness, use it to the advantage of your marriage. Explain to him that a vibrator could never replace him, but also listen to him when he tries to explain why he feels it might. It’s called compromise. Maybe sharing a little phone sex across the miles could be an alternative, where you can still use the stimulation of your vibrator, but only while hearing his voice, so he feels secure in knowing it’s still him that you want the most. There are endless possibilities as to how this could play out. Don’t brush off his doubts and fears as something ridiculous, anything that’s real to him, should be the same for you.

Missy Pink,

My boyfriend and I began seeing each other as a couple about 18 months ago, but, we’ve been friends for over 4 years. I’ve always known he considers himself to be bi-sexual. He’s never acted upon it, but has always said it’s just something he feels. Our sex life is okay, not frequent, but it does happen, however he can’t cum unless I’m performing oral sex on him, and I always feel neglected sexually. I truly care about him and I know he feels the same, but needs aren’t being met and I don’t know how fair that is in a relationship.

Needing More

Dear Friend;

First of all, allow me to say, congratulations to your boyfriend for being honest up front, and, a pat on the back to you for venturing into a relationship with him knowing that you may not hold his full, sexual attention.

It sounds to me like the most treasured aspect of what you both share, is your friendship. He has a lot of thoughts and emotions going on and he trusts you, that’s a precious commodity to have in life.

With that being said, there are some decisions to be made. I’m sure neither of you want to lose the close trust and comfort of being the go-to person in this crazy thing called life. But, you need to ask yourself if periodic sex is enough for you, especially when oral sex is what he desires and there’s not much attention paid to you, in the physical sense. He’s been more than upfront about everything from the beginning, so, to expect more, or to think you can change him, that’s not being reasonable on your part.

You cannot force someone to be something they’re not, and, if you consider how hard it is to change something about yourself…now imagine how difficult it is to change someone else.

It sounds as if the two of you have a bond in friendship that is worth treasuring, and, remaining in a relationship where hopes are high but the fulfillment is low, it will begin to alter the closeness between the two of you. Maybe it’s time he takes the steps called for in experiencing romance with another man, only then will he truly understand himself better, hence, being able to understand his relationship with you better as well.

As much as you may not want to hear this, encourage him to be who he is, and if that’s bisexual, or gay, love him still for the wonderful person he is. He’s still the same person you’ve built a cherished friendship with, and closeness is felt in a hundred different ways, not just with intercourse.

Dear Missy Pink,

I have a sexual hang-up. When I was in my late teens, my parents walked in to find my boyfriend going down on me. I was humiliated! They screamed, grounded me, and treated me horribly until I finally left for college and unfortunately, didn’t come back often for visits. Every time I would see them, I could still hear the things they said and the names they called me. It was so traumatic, it’s made me feel ashamed and dirty to partake in what should be exciting acts of sexual closeness. I’m now almost 30 years old and every relationship I’ve had has ended the same way, I want to be intimate, but, I can’t recover from the disgrace.

– Celibate and Sad 🙁

Dear Friend;

It’s not an easy thing to overcome humiliation in any form, but, when it’s sexual, it seems to root deeply and not want to release. Being “discovered” by a friend or stranger would be embarrassing, but, to have it be your parents, yes, the trauma would be very hard to forget. Not only are we raised to believe sexual acts are taboo, and, that training begins at a early age,…”Don’t masturbate, it will make you go blind!” or, “If you touch yourself, you’ll grow hair on your palms!” So, combining that stigma, along with the forever striving to make our parents proud, only to be caught in a “personal situation,” such as that, it’s one of those, “just let me find a hole and crawl in,” scenarios.

Being caught would have been humiliating all on its own accord, but, it sounds as if the reaction of your parents is what’s caused the scarring upon your sexual libido. Your feelings have probably gone from humiliation to anger and then, back and forth a few times.

You’re nearly 30 years old, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord, release yourself from their stern words and discipline. As long as you allow their words to continue haunting your thoughts, you’re allowing them the victory they were striving for. You weren’t doing anything wrong, or at least nothing that a very large percentage of the world’s population wasn’t doing at that age, it’s over and done with, it’s very much time to move on.

You’re no longer under their roof and they have no say as to who’s between your thighs! Open your mind and your legs, recall how good it all felt before they stepped into your zone of arousal, you’re missing out on the many wonders and wetness of softcore and hardcore sex. If it takes counseling, get it, if you think you can move past it on your own, then by all means…move, but, it doesn’t sound as if that’s happening very easily. Even though you were free to come and go, it’s as if they still have you locked in the attic, an outcast to the family, it’s time you forgive them and yourself.

You’re a grown woman, with needs, wants and desires, but no relationship because you’re allowing them to block the erotic endorphins. Take a deep breath, square your shoulders, put on sexy lingerie and get back in touch with the world of orgasmic pleasure.