Nerd Hunting

Nerd HuntingThe Bang Bros’ website Fuck Team Five has found itself in plenty of rather sketchy situations in its short online lifespan. There have been humiliating mid-blowjob phone calls to some guy’s poor wife, a three-girl chant of “Nothing gets inside Madison Ivy’s butthole!” and dozens upon dozens of amateur Miami and LA guys getting a chance at pornstar pussy paradise. One episode in particular is especially noteworthy to me because I occasioned to meet one of the “random” guys Fuck Team Five picked up while cruising down Melrose Blvd. on a gorgeous Southern California Sunday afternoon. Then he was a 21-year-old aspiring standup comic fresh off the bus from Godknowswhere, USA. His name, well, for a long, long time I completely forgot his name, but with his starring role in Todd Philip’s (Road Trip, Wedding Crashers) newest opus, Project X, plus a genuine background as an adult performer, Jonathan Daniel Brown might not be a name we’ll be forgetting anytime soon.

One day back in 2008, Brown, having only recently arrived in Hollywood, was walking down Melrose minding his own business when a white van pulled up and out jumped three of the most astounding slutty pornstars known to mankind: Ashlii Orion, Jennifer Dark, and Phoenix Marie. Orion, surprisingly, managed to recall quite a few details of Brown’s participation and how he fared in his first onscreen performance.

“I remember him being this cute little nerdy guy, shy, and super nervous!” Orion told AVN. “He was really nice so I felt bac that I had to make fun of him in true Fuck Team 5 fashion.” It seems being pasty, chubby, and bespectacled, and struggling to make it as a standup comic – which is when I met him while attending a mutual friend’s “show” at a dismally vacant East Hollywood Ramada Inn – hasn’t relegated this so-called “nerd” to the depths of social isolation. Instead, he’s fucking Ashlii Orion until he “popped all over [her] ass.” Kudos, guy I met at a shitty comedy/karaoke thing in a crummy hotel not-really-but-sorta-in Hollywood a few years back. Kudos, indeed.

In closing, all I can say is thank your lucky stars that more also-ran strandups of Hollywood aren’t nabbing themselves small porn roles. That scene’s already enough of a circle jerk as it is.


Eva Angelina Bounces Back

Eva AngelinaPornstars stop performing for any number of reasons. Linda Lovelace panicked, “got out” and saved her sanity; Jenna Haze wanted to focus on directing and fucking her beau, the lead singer of Dillinger Escape Plan; Sasha Grey had to prove herself an artiste, and Hayley Paige just plain died. Eva Angelina, though, her departure from the sexually-explicit screen was a little less worrisome.

Having progressed from flat-chested newcomer in a Shane’s World college-themed blowjob scene to amply-chested, tattooed goddess of hardcore, lascivious, powerful throat, pussy, and anal penetrations, often in the most lurid combinations, on sites such as Brazzers and ZTOD, it seemed like Eva Angelina was poised before her greatest success. She got that success (and one hell of an award) but it didn’t come from AVN or XBIZ or XRCO, it came from her womb.

After welcoming her daughter Silvi Mountain with then-husband and fellow pornstar Danny Mountain in 2008, Eva seemed to disappear from the industry for a number of years. Although rumors about a hastily made decision to quite porn for the suburban life weren’t exactly running rampant, nobody really knew whether or not Eva was planning a comeback. Then, almost out of nowhere, a few scenes started to filter through the networks and she reappeared.

Brazzers was the one of the first sites to showcase the post-baby-body Eva Angelina, with Bang Bros and Naughty America soon to follow, and what a sight it was. Even more decked-out and spruced-up than before, the reinvigorated AVN-winner had shaved the sides of her head, added a few tattoos, and launched herself back into porn, surprising many fans with her noticeably exuberant attitude lending itself perfectly to assfucking and double-penetration scenes with the likes of James Deen and Mick Blue. It had been a while since Eva threw herself headlong into a cockfest, but she proved to be in exemplary shape nonetheless.

Over at Bang Bros, Eva was added last week to the list of pornstar babes who’ve lent their bodies to one of the Bros’ newest sites, Pornstar Spa, and what a welcome return to BB HQ it was! Eva’s stunningly curvaceous body is showcased to perfection by the HD cameras as what is supposed to be a relaxing deep tissue massage turns into sex so hardcore it tests her endurance, flexibility,stamina, kegel power, and resilience as some lucky bastard (and his big purple dildo) gives the new mother a complete working over. In her Naughty America and Tonight’s Girlfriend scenes, Eva showed only a hint of the effect pregnancy has on the female body – stretch-marks being visible for, oh, a few seconds here and there. While this physical “flaw” is bound to turn off some compulsive masturbators, those eager to celebrate the return of one of contemporary porn’s greatest success stories will likely be even more turned on by Ms. Angelina than ever before, stretch-marks and all.

Eva, it’s great to have you back!

Misti Dawn’s Vegas Wedding

Misti DawnRedheaded goddess and Burning Angel’s reigning super-nerd, Misti Dawn, is one of Joanna Angel and Co.’s breakout stars. Well, she was until she found herself in something of a predicament. As she detailed recently on her blog, Meow Misti Dawn, the native Indianan celebrated her continued success in porn by trading vows and marrying fellow adult performer, Michael Vegas, in, well, Las Vegas, of course. One of the hottest young alt.pornstars in the business getting hitched to a well-endowed gentleman of similar professional pursuits – that, my friends, is what we call a porno dream come true.

Sharing their physical selves with others for money is one thing, but Misti and Michael shared so much more. After calls from fans for the tattooed redhead to give up her rear passage, Misti followed her anal debut (with James Deen in Burning Angel’s LA Pink) with a few interracial scenes in which she spread her lilywhite cheeks for dicks that’d usually have your average midwestern gamer-girl quaking in her Chuck Taylors. Mr. and Mrs. Vegas also spread their love online, both by appearing in scenes together and hosting blogs, podcasts, and their private sexual adventures with an audience that, truth be told, probably only cared because Misti is one of the more relatable and charming pornstars, “alt” or otherwise, of recent years.

As things so frequently seem to, though, Misti’s moment of porn industry bliss didn’t last long.

Warney No Porny?

Shane WarneIn Australia, cricketers are revered as the most skillful of all athletes. Able to either deflect a speeding ball, hard as a brick, with nothing but a wooden plank as their tool or take said ball and manually send it flying down the pitch, bending, swaying, and cutting through the air almost as if controlled by telekinesis, the greatest Australian cricketers are nothing short of national heroes. Although now retired from the international game, former Australian spin bowler, international celebrity, and spokesman for hair regrowth treatment, nicotine chewing gum, and online poker companies, Shane Warne just keeps getting himself headlines. Tabloid fodder for years thanks to his predilection for sending saucy text messages, his fluctuating weight, and numerous marital infidelities, Warne, who was once dubbed The King of Spin for his near miraculous leg-spin bowling technique, now finds himself back in the spotlight for two reasons.

First, Warne’s grinning image has been popping up in some rather unexpected places recently, most notably on sexually explicit adult websites. No, “Warney” hasn’t dropped his daks for a nude pictorial, he’s just been plugging 888poker and the ads appeared on a number of adult websites, causing yet another sex-related controversy for one of the greatest cricketers of all time. Warne’s manager claimed to know no reason why the 888poker ads would be appearing on an adult site, but said he and his client would be investigating the issue and examining the ties between The Shane Warne Foundation, a charity the cricketer started a number of years ago, and the online poker company his blinding white teeth and sunglass adorned face are pimping in the ads. Sounds like a real non-event, don’t it? Well, in typically idiotic fashion, the printed and online rags of Australia have blown something insignificant way out of proportion because it’s their trusty whipping boy and headline ace Warney’s face planted right next to a gaping female asshole. Hey, maybe that’s why he’s grinning so much!

Oh, and the second reason Warne is back in the media spotlight? He’s engaged to marry Elizabeth Hurley.