I’m really enjoying your column, and decided to send you a question of my own. My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost 9 years, there’s no piece of paper binding us, so it’s not a marriage rut, but for some reason the sex isn’t like it use to be. When we were dating, it would last for hours and we couldn’t wait to be back in bed again. For longer than I care to mention, it’s now gone to just a quickie on Saturday night, no real lead up to the excitement, just more of a roll over, roll off and then the snoring begins. Where has the passion gone?
Timing Out in Bed
Dear Timing Out,
Your question is one that’s probably been asked since the era of cavemen. You said you weren’t married, but, living together means you share the same sort of routine, scheduling and lifestyle, that is missing only that piece of paper, so, even though you haven’t walked down the aisle with the scent of tossed rose petals before you, you’re basically a spouse in the house.
You broached the question as if your boyfriend carries sole responsibility for things not being as they were, but, let’s look at this in a logical sense. It’s no one’s fault, it’s environment and time. When you’re dating, it’s the newness, the excitement, the exploration of learning about one another, the responsiveness and arousal is all on extremely high levels, which maybe if the sexual endeavor lasted for only an hour, it felt as if it was all night long.
It’s not that he’s grown tired of you, or you’ve grown tired of him, it’s just that you’ve gone from making love to having sex. You’ve grown accustom to one another, so, there’s no sense in preheating the oven when you can slide the meat in and have it done on a quick broil setting. The foreplay use to be centered around the bedroom, now it’s spanning into writing out the monthly bills, figuring out menus for the week, calling the garage to have a tune up done, all of those every day duties that call for your attention but bring no passion with them.
If you want stamina, then proceed with choosing a day and making that day work for you. Put a naughty note in his lunch bucket, wrap a pair of your sexiest panties around his steering wheel to find when he leaves for work, text him a message through the day that just says a simple, “Thinking of you and feeling hot.” Let his mind churn all day long about the past passion you shared, have him in a state of a semi-erection, and then when he gets home, leave a trail of your clothing to the bedroom. Don’t let him rush through things, have on sexy lingerie, do a little bump and grind with the bed post, bring strawberries and champagne into the scenario, turn on his mind first and foremost and his body will surely follow.
There’s no set in stone time for how long sex should last, it depends on how long you want it to last. Bring him up and to the edge, and then tease him without the pleasure of the pinkness between your thighs, make him really want you to where when it does happen, it will sound like the 4th of July in your head, the orgasms will be so powerful.
Sometimes when a partner needs more from the other, they have to exercise a little work to make it happen, but it will be worth it. Keep the moisture building motives working, seduce him on a Wednesday and then promise him more kinkiness on Saturday, he’ll think about it for the rest of the week and be looking forward with anticipation. Play sexual games, turn on your feminine charm, make him want you the way he did when you were dating, before you know it, he’ll be participating as well and you’ll reap the rewards.
Forget trying to put a measurement of minutes to your foreplay and sex, leave the egg timer in the kitchen where it belongs, the main thing is getting him hard boiled and then simmering on a slow heat until you both are ready for eruption. The playfulness will bring back memories, mixing that with your years of comfort you’ve built will make the experience even more erotic. Close the drapes and open your minds, it’s never too late to share healthy horniness!
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