Happy and Horny Housewife

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comDear Missy Pink;

I hope my letter falls under the criteria of what you offer advice for, it’s not really a sexual issue between my husband and I, but it is sexual about myself. I guess I would be considered a MILF of sort, I’m in my mid 40’s, have 2 grown children, a husband I adore, a good life, and a sex drive that just won’t stop! I work out at the gym 4 times a week, my husband always tells me how hot I still am, and our bedroom is kept active multiple times a week, even quickies in the middle of the day, but I need more. All I think about is the burning between my legs that needs constant attention. I’m wearing my spouse out, he’s more than happy to keep me satisfied, but, I haven’t told him just how sex driven I am, I’m afraid he’ll feel inadequate.

Happy and Horny Housewife

Dear Happy and Horny Housewife;

Well, it seems like you do have a bit of a dirty dilemma, but one that most any man in the world would love to be dealing with! Normally, after a few years of marriage, the husband ends up receiving more doggy style sex than anything, and in this case, it’s not what you think, actually, it’s where he sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead!

One thing I didn’t read in your letter was any reference to looking outside of your marriage for the means to manage your moisture, kudos to you for that! With that being said, I would say the answer to your sexual issue could be solved in one word….gasoline. Yes, fill your vehicle’s tank to full, take a trip to the next county over, find that little hidden shop that carries toys for big girls, and go on a shopping bender! You’re more than fortunate that your marital mate is ready to drop his boxers and service both of your needs on the frequent basis that he does, and who doesn’t love those afternoon quickies?! But if you’re still seeking something for your saturation, then I would advise you to maybe bypass the batteries and go for the big guns that run off of AC/DC. Don’t worry about shaving your legs, just spread them and let the gooey times roll!

You claim you need more attention from the comfort of your own bed, and it sounds as if even though your husband is very in tune with your body, maybe it’s time you take a little road trip over your own curves. If you’ve never thought about masturbation, it’s time you do. One thing about it, whenever you want it, you’re always available to do what needs done. Buy yourself a vibrator that does everything but the dishes, have a multitude of settings, take yourself through stimulating foreplay and then flip that baby to high and let the juices fly!

When you toss a load of whites into the washer, lean firmly against the front of the machine as the agitator starts, let it warm up your mid-section, and then set time aside for you to spend with your new purchase, you won’t be cheating on anyone, and those self induced orgasms through the day will be just the thing to hold your horniness over until the hubby gets home from work.

Scrape the dust off of your credit card, get excited tonight at the thought of your shopping spree tomorrow, and always remember, masturbation is sex with someone you love!

Vicky Vette, Legal Eagle

Ok, so Vicky Vette may not actually be a bar association member or legal professional of any kind, but she is quite crafty with a lawsuit. On March 29 2012, a Los Angeles court denied a motion by AdultFriendFinder and Danni.com that called for dismissal of Vette’s charges that these parties, both owned by Penthouse, used her likeness to advertise on thousands of banner ads and promo graphics without her permission. With the motion to dismiss denied, Vette’s case can now proceed to trial, but this is but a piss in the ocean when it comes to adult performers holding control of their likenesses and imagery. So, what’s the word from Ms. Vette on the issue?

“It is outrageous that AdultFriendFinder can think it it’s ok to use my image without even letting me know. I think it’s a scam on me & the general public. I am not sure where this ranks in the ‘annals’ of jurisprudence but I am happy with the result in Court. I know of at least three other girls in the business they are doing the exact same thing to, including Bibi Jones, Carmen Valentina & Gisele. I had nothing but respect for Danni and Penthouse (which owns AdultFriendFinder) so I am a bit stunned they would treat adult stars this way.”

Vette’s attorney, Michael Kernan, Esq. told LukeIsBack.com “AdultFriendFinder argued it had model releases barring any claims, but the Court was not convinced anything covered the image in question.” Now perhaps other adult stars will take action against what is clearly a crime of misinformation and false advertising perpetrated against those who might consider joining AdultFriendFinder, which claims to have a registered community of more than forty-one million users, by those cashing the checks on their sexual frustration.

Adult FriendFinder

Might I suggest, Andi San Dimas, Dana DeArmond, Harmony Rose, and Melanie Rios, that you all consult an attorney immediately? And can I have some kind of finder’s fee? Thirty percent should do it. Cheers.

Idols Romp in Playboy Mansion

While you sit at home lazing on the sofa dreaming about nabbing a chance to not just step foot inside the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner’s den of deliciously deviant behavior and some of the wildest parties Hollywood has ever known, American Idol’s nine surviving contestants are set to take up residence in, well, not the Playboy Mansion, but a a mansion nonetheless formerly occupied by the cast of Playboy TV’s recent reality fuckfest, “Swing.” Telling TMZ reporters about their relentless sexual adventures while they stayed at the lush ten bedroom Hollywood residence, swingers and former castmates, Michael and Holli also offered some advice to the new Idol occupants: watch where you sit.

“Swing” thrust real couples eager to experiment with open relationships into accommodations built for hooking up with anybody and everybody in sight. As a result, few places were off-limits when it came to satisfying ones desire. Michael and Holli detailed their activities and said no room or surface was off-limits when the swingers started swinging. In showers and elevators, outside, and on every floor and countertop in the residence, you could watch loving men and women share each other with other previously monogamous couples in fairly explicit detail on the Playboy TV show. Idols be warned: Hollywood ain’t the healthiest of towns and you just never know what’ll be stick to the back our your Blackberry should you set it down on a kitchen counter between tweets. And before you go grabbing that guitar and sitting on the music room floor for an impromptu Kumbaya singalong, you might want to check the carpet for stains; it turns out the room where the Idols will practice their warbling was once a mattress-filled pounding palace dubbed by the “The Boom Boom Room” Swing cast. Tasteful.

Tie a Flesh-toned Ribbon

Hollie StevensThe economy, the Republican candidates for nomination, birth control, abortion, immigration, gas prices, off-shore drilling, American Idol, and tom-ay-to or tom-ah-to: these are some of the highly contentious and controversial issues we all have to adopt a stance on sooner or later. Staunch opponents of the Left will shoot down “Obamacare” at any opportunity. The Right-baiting Occupy movement calls for a radical dismantling of America’s long-idolised super-rich elite. And Hollie Stevens has cancer.

“Wait, what? Hollie Stevens has cancer? Egads. Let’s just hope it’s not the titty cancer! It is? It is the titty cancer? Oh, fuck, we’re doomed.”

That’s right, folks, it is with much dismay that I, Mr. Pink, bring you news of the ailing health of the blonde clown-porn pioneer. Although Ms. Stevens, known as much for her kinky, adventurous clown-themed photoshoots as for her thick ass and predilection for shaking it all about, overcame her initial bouts with The Big C thanks to a life-saving mastectomy, but was soon felled once more by a terrifying diagnosis. The cancer had not only reappeared near the initial surgical site, but it had spread to her bone. Then, as told by Laura Lasky on a donation page she setup for Stevens at Give Forward, it was discovered that more tumors had reared their ugly heads in Hollie’s liver and right leg, and has “compromised her hip and leg as well as her chest wall and other breast.” After undergoing chemotherapy and radiation, Hollie was once again hit with an unfathomably daunting task, battling another instance of cancer that formed in her right sixth rib.

When others would have simply given up and let things lead to the ultimate conclusion, Hollie steeled herself for another session on the operating table. While certainly not the sunniest of forecasts for this supremely asstastic adult sensation, this Tweet from the hospital-saddled Hollie herself and dated April 6th, four days after her date with the scalpel, is anything to go by, her career could be back on track sooner than you think.

 

Donations can be made to aid Hollie Stevens’ recovery at Give Forward.

Ten Thousand Little Piggies

MrPinksAs I was kicking around YouTube the other day, taking in a few slowed-down clips of K-Pop girl groups’ dance routines, videos of French late-sixties model, actress, and singer, Zouzou, as well as some infuriatingly slow DIY computer maintenance tutorials, I came upon a ten-minute, one-shot, discreetly-captured voyeuristic celebration of, of all things, the female foot. More specifically, the Miami-living Cuban-American female foot captured at “the local electronics store”. Complete with insta-hiphop backing soundtrack and lengthy explanation of the circumstances surrounding the camera-phone shooting, the producer of said video clearly wanted to share his fondness for the lower-limbed stabilizers and perambulators of the human body. And, after a brief search, you’ll see it’s clear the gentleman that shot and uploaded “Cute Latina Mom at the local electronics store” is far from alone.

Possibly due to its banning of overtly and explicitly sexual content, YouTube seems to have become a haven for non-nude “stripteases”, workout videos, and foot worshipping fetishists who’ll do almost anything to capture footage of the female foot in its natural state. Shooting women largely without their knowledge, the foot-fans of YouTube has created a communal archive of thousands upon thousands upon thousands of videos showing naked and barely-covered feet wriggling, twitching, rubbing against each other, and even just walking. Not being a foot fetishist myself, I don’t really understand why some folks seem to lust so feverishly after such a basically non-sexual body part, but for those that do, YouTube seems the place to be if you’re ok with the more mild variations on adult foot fetishism produced by users like kcknowsbest, blahfeet, and MsFootShow.

As always, if you want something a little more risque, why not head to Mr. Pink’s and find out if Hot Legs & Feet, Footsie Babes, or any of the other valuable foot-focused porn sites we’ve covered are worth your time and money. Although, I must say, if you’re dedicated a foot fetishist enough to be reading this blog, our higher-ranking sites will definitely put a smile on your dial.