Dat Haircut!

A rather odd trend has been sweeping the porn industry of late and it doesn’t concern puckering anuses, cum-covered faces, Nacho Vidal, or ill-advised tattoos. Nope, this time a haircut is what’s got pornstars engaging in gossip circles, trading styling tips, and recommending scissor sisters who are more concerned with follicle health than eating pussy. A haircut, you say? Yeah, a fucking haircut! Check it out…

Pornstar haircuts

Eva Angelina, Christy Mack, Skin Diamond, and Kagney Linn Karter are four of the more notable pornstars sporting this rather extreme short-back-and-sides do that recalls the intricately shaved patterns on the heads of manner rappers and ballers, but until recently had not been seen in the pornographic arts. What possessed women so follically blessed models to take electric shavers to their temples and keep it superlong on top? Is this something of an aerodynamic design intended to aid their head-bobbing? Is this hairstyle akin to a gay man having a pierced right ear, except for wanton sluts? Should us guys just start publicly propositioning every woman we see with such an undercut?

Ladies, gentlemen, any insight you can toss my way would be much appreciated. My girlfriend has been considering this cut and I just gotta know what the fuck it means, if anything. Can I rest easy or should I be concerned that said girlfriend is out gallivanting around town, showing off her close-cropped sides to every swinging dick in the tri-zipcode area?

Against Her!

Laura Jane GraceA few notable exceptions aside, rock ‘n’ roll is generally considered a man’s game, and heavy rock is especially male dominated. Babes in Toyland might have been one of the most ferocious punk bands of the last twenty-five years but nobody gives a shit anymore and a lot people still believe that women aren’t supposed to rock unless they’re dressed in skintight pleather and belting it out Xtina-style. Now, though, one woman appears to be challenging that notion in a pretty surprising way.

Tom Gabel of Floridian punk band Against Me! recently announced to his fans and the music world at large that he intended to begin life as a woman, taking the name Laura Jane Grace. After initial concerns from fans that this could mean the end of Against Me!, or at least Gabel’s sharp, growling voice, Gabel confirmed that she would remain married to her wife, graphic artist Heather Gabel, and continue fronting Against Me! While Considering I can think of only one other instance of a biologically male member of a notable hard-rock band undergoing “the transition” – Keith Caputo of Life of Agony became Mina Caputo in October of 2011 – this is a pretty monumental event in the history of transgender people in entertainment.

With an outpouring of support from the music and transgender communities – there remain some ignorant, bigoted “ex-fans” throwing around insults and hate speech – it looks like a pretty positive start to Laura’s new life and, although the transition is never easy and isn’t something most cisgender people cannot really comprehend, with notes like this from the likes of WWE champion CM Punk, Laura’s path will hopefully be relatively easy one.

 

Against Me! continues its current tour supporting The Cult and fans can look forward to someday seeing a liberated Laura jane Grace, “six-foot-two, in heels, fucking screaming into someone’s face.”

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Earth’s Horniest Heroes

Vivid Video - Avengers parodyUnless you’ve been living under a drunken haze these past few months, you’re surely aware that a little comicbook movie about a team of mighty heroes in tight costumes called The Avengers just opened to record box office takings with $207.4 million opening weekend. There are, however, some long time members of the Merry Marvel Marching Society who haven’t yet shelled out the $9 dollars for a ticket (plus a $2 service charge and and another $3 for 3D glasses) to see their comic heroes on the big (really fucking big) screen. Rising ticket prices isn’t the only reason for avoiding the biggest blockbuster of the summer, though; there’s also resentment.

I, a long time fan of the Avengers comics – the Harris/Epting/Palmer run in the early ’90s, especially – resent the exclusion of the most attractive of the female team members: Ms. Marvel, The Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter, and, yes, even She-Hulk. With only ScarJo as feminine eye-candy, it stands to reason there’s demand enough from the male heterosexual portion of The Avengers’ audience to demand this travesty be rectified. It’s too late for Marvel, though. Axel Braun beat them to it.

Axel Braun is the undisputed king of the contemporary porn parody and the man responsible for such hardcore takes on comicbook legends as Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman, all in movies suffixed XXX: A Porn Parody, so it’s no shock he took on Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and it’s no surprise he decided to include such wearers of skimpy form-fitting costumes as those women listed above. If you’ve seen his work you’d know that Axel Braun is many things, but he ain’t no damn dummy.

Check out the trailer for The Avengers: A XXX Porn Parody then report back here immediately, solider. That’s an order! (Don’t worry, it’s SFW.)

Now, just tell me Lex Steele doesn’t give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money as Nick Fury, and tell me Xander Corvus doesn’t bring the appropriate self-obsessed teen angst Spider-Man requires, and tell me you wouldn’t risk being crippled by the aggressive sexual potency of Spider-Woman’s (Jenna Presley) pheromone-aided seductive techniques. And that’s the Jessica Drew Spider-Woman, not one of the other, lesser versions. And Braun’s got Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) in there, Brooklyn Lee squeezed into an ever tighter, shinier catsuit than ScarJo’s Black Widow, and fucking Chyna plays The Sensational She-Hulk – is that perfect casting or what? Really the only casting decision that seems a touch off is that of Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel; she’s great and all, but kinda slight for one of the most powerful human women in the Marvel Universe. How does the marvelous Ms. Swallow fare in her sex scenes with Spidey and Scarlet Witch? Vivid has every planet-threatening, kitten-saving, costume-shredding, face-blasting second of the most adventurous porn parody Braun has produced thus far, The Avengers XXX.

Sara Jay v Brazzers v Sara Jay

Sara Jay BrazzersWhen you stumble across a blog purporting to belong to a notable adult performer, how seriously do you consider the possibility that the person behind said blog not only isn’t the performer in question, but not even a manager, agent, representative, or lay-fan? This turned out to be the case with SaraJayBlog.com, a now defunct page which its focus, pornstar Sara Jay, says was started by Brazzers, the reigning champion of online porn networks, in an effort to “steal traffic” and impersonate her. Brazzers, however, denies the allegations and says Ms. Jay has her facts all wrong – but it doesn’t end there.

Although Brazzers’ director of marketing Kate Miller has declared that the company “never owned, operated, nor was involved in the registration or management of SaraJayBlog.com” Jay still insists her lawsuit was kosher, kosher enough to, in her words, “[win] at the trial court and court of appeal levels.” With Brazzers allegedly agreeing, according to Jay, to relinquish any and all claims on the url, the pornstar decided to settle. “It was a bitter battle with Brazzers but it was better for both sides to resolve it.”

Brazzers, however, is still scratching its collective head. Miller denies that Jay’s lawsuit even went to court, or to trial, and it most definitely never went to the Court of Appeal. Sorry, Sara, but it looks like Brazzers one-upped you there. Oh, you’ve something else to add in your defense? You claim Brazzers cited a model release that allegedly allowed their use of your name and likeness and that they do the same to other adult performers? That’s another heavy charge. Let’s see what Brazzers had to say about this latest charge, shall we?

“Contrary to recent reports, Sara Jay did not success in any way, shape or form in her lawsuit against Brazzers… In fact, after spending significant amounts on legal fees prosecuting what Brazzers maintained at all times was a frivolous action, Sara Jay did not receive a single amount, payment or money in settlement. Instead, Sara Jay abandoned her case and released all claims she conceivably had, in exchange for Brazzers’ agreement not to proceed with its pending motions for sanctions, or file claims for malicious prosecution against her and her attorney.”

Ouch.

This is definitely one battle worth watching from the sidelines. Team Brazzers or Team Sara, whose side are you on?

Sickened By Show-Offs

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comDear Missy Pink;

I’m sure you hear a lot of odd questions coming across your desk, but I have an issue that has me at my wits end trying to figure out how to handle it. I’ve always considered myself to be normal when it comes to sexual excitement, not always strictly vanilla, but, I don’t teeter over too far into fetish things, they just don’t excite me, but, my husband is another story. We live in a very nice apartment complex, on the third floor, and there is a circle courtyard layout that has another building wrapping around directly across from us. There’s a couple that moved in about 6 months ago, about our age and very free with their sexual expressions, to the point of leaving lights on and curtains open when they have wild sexual times. I’m not a prude, and the first time we noticed them from our bedroom window, I watched right along with my husband, mostly because it’s not something you see every day, it gave that taboo, kinky sort of excitement, but then, after a few minutes I tired of it, and after multiple times a week having it happen, I was pretty much disgusted by it. My husband however has become obsessed with watching them, he’s actually re-arranged our bedroom furniture so the view takes no effort for him, and as soon as the clock chimes at 9pm, he leaves me in the living room to go spend time being a peeping-tom. Of course I’m getting plenty of sex now myself, which I’m not complaining about, but, it seems the only time he can be intimate with me, is while watching them, if I tell him I think it’s gross and I don’t get turned on like he does, he tells me to go back and watch TV in the other room, he’ll just jack-off.  It seems like this couple’s display of being exhibitionists is all he thinks about, and quite frankly, I’m becoming worried, does he have a serious problem?

Sickened By Show-Offs

Dear Sickened;

Well, it does indeed seem like you have a bit of a problem on your hands. First of all, let’s look at this logically, if you’re going to have someone putting on a display of public sex, being exhibitionist as you so correctly labeled them to be, probably 90% of the population would stop and watch. Sort of like an accident – you don’t want to see it, but you can’t take your eyes away from it either. You are of a more strict nature with your desires, since you watched for awhile, found it intriguing and enjoyed the fetish aspect, but then you were happy with life as it’s always been, and you didn’t need to watch the neighbors doing the mattress mambo to put you in the mood for dancing.

You could always go visit the neighbors, maybe bake some muffins and ask them to keep their biscuits covered at night, but, chances are, that will just alienate them and anger them, feeling as though their right to be free is being jeopardized, which could lead to either some bad neighborly situations, or, they may become even more wild in their sexual displays. Granted, consideration on their part should be taken, but at the same time, they’re paying their rent, the same as everyone else, and they are living life as they enjoy it.

You’re actually dealing with two issues here, the first being, they are indeed exhibitionists, and the second being, your husband has discovered his voyeur side and it’s in full bloom. If he only wants to have sex with you, when the neighbors are having sex with one another, well, that tells me you’d better stock up on lotion, because I don’t think you’re going to be offering him any lubrication any time soon. To move the bedroom furniture as you said he’s done, in order to have the best, non restricting view, yes, he’s drawn in deeply. I wonder what will happen when their lease expires, if they happen to move, where is that going to leave your mate? There will be a void that he’s going to ache to have filled in some means or manner. He’s hooked, and like a lot of other things that can become an addiction, he’ll need his fornicating fix, and this may create some deeper marital issues than the one you’re facing now.

This has seemingly gone past the point of playful peeping, it’s now become a consuming need for your spouse. Your union is being affected by his voyeurism fetish. I really think if there’s a way to mention it, with tact to your neighbors, that would be a good beginning. I wouldn’t reveal your husband’s response to their romping in plain view, I would just politely say that whether they’re aware of it or not, their bedroom is directly across from yours, and you didn’t want them to be ashamed for the fact they can be seen. Maybe they honestly believe being three floors up, there would be no cause to hide anything, and if you approach it in that manner, they might think you’re doing it as a favor to them. As for your husband, you really need to have a heart to hard-on discussion with him, let him know his actions have exceeded what you feel is normal and you’re worried about him and your marriage. If there’s still a shred of decency within him, he’ll hear you, understand and act upon your concerns, if not, then you might want to recommend talking with a professional. That may seem a bit drastic, but, as I said, I’m a little concerned about how this may escalade.  By all means, keep a logical head in dealing with it, don’t let your emotions run away with you, and please, please, whatever you do, don’t buy your husband binoculars for his birthday!