TSA Saves Airline Passengers from Huge Dick

A rather odd tale of air travel security popped up on Huffington Post this week, telling of a man who was temporarily detained and question by TSA agents after they detected an abnormal, uh, package in his trousers.

Jonah Flacon

Brooklyn’s Jonah Falcon, an actor with uncredited roles in such films as Death to Smoochy, City by the Sea, The Good Shepherd, and A Beautiful Mind, was slowly making his way through a security checkpoint at San Francisco International Airport on July 9th when a TSA agent noticed the prominent bulge in his pants and decided it was time to pull out that ol’ “Sir, that cock is weapon,” line. Only the agent was unaware of who he was dealing with. Falcon is, after all, the owner of the world’s largest recorded penis. At 13.5″, Falcon’s member was even large enough to cause the rumor mill to falsely claim his father was none other than porn legend, John Holmes.

Falcon told HuffPo that he had packed his own belongings carefully “to the left” and that he wasn’t erect “at the time”. After an agent inquired as to the contents of his pockets, Falcon admitted that they were empty. The next step was to haul Falcon and his hidden anatomical marvel into an x-ray body scanner and through a metal detector. Still puzzled, another agent of the TSA asked Falcon if he had some kind of abnormal growth. The agents even applied some powder to Falcon’s pants in order to detect whether or not the mysterious package was of a threatening nature. Eventually giving up the search for answers, the agents set Falcon off to his gate, where he made his flight without delay.

Now, this could be a thoroughly embarrassing situation for any number of reasons, but for Falcon, it was a laughable affair and a lesson he’ll take with him on all future travels. “I’m just gonna wear bike shorts from now on,” he said. “That way they’ll know. You’d think the San Francisco TSA would have had experience with hung guys before, but I guess not.”

Harmony Rose: From ATM to EMT

Harmony RoseRetired adult performer Harmony Rose, star of Blame It On Daddy, Dual Invasion, and Bitch Bangin’ Bitch #1, recently started training as a volunteer EMT (Emergency Medical Technician). Now, you’d think that the Cave Spring Rescue Squad would welcome with open arms any 29-year-old woman eager to freely give her time, skills, and energy to helping them save lives, but that hasn’t been the reaction of some officials in Roanoake, VA.

After learning of the unusual former occupation of Ms. Rose, now known by her birth name, Tracy Rolan, Fire Chief Rich Burch was so befuddled he had to turn to his higher-ups for guidance, specifically the Office of the County Attorney. As reported by Huffington Post, Attorney Paul M. Mahoney responded in a letter stating that Roanoke County generally did not involve itself in the decisions of volunteer squads, but also added “Anything that results in public ridicule of the volunteer squads… must be avoided.”

After what certainly sounded like a tacit endorsement of Ms. Rolan’s would-be dismissal, it might surprise you to learn that even in the seemingly conservative Virginian community she joined after leaving porn, the former Screamin’ for Semen star has not been cast out by the townspeople as some sort of modern day Frankenstein’s Whore and instead has found an outpouring of support for her new career path, support visible on, of all places, a news station with a contextually hilarious name: WDBJ7. The station’s Facebook page has been inundated with supportive notes by those both for and against pornography, each one proudly insisting that they’d have no objection to having their life saved by a woman who once roomed with Tory Lane, licked Sandra Romain’s ass on air with Howard Stern, and was nominated for two Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene AVN Awards. After all, if they require the attention of an EMT, they’ve likely got bigger problems than Harmony’s past in porn.

Bree Olson: Hollywood Douchebag

Bree OlsonWhen Bree Olson, anal-loving, pregnancy-fantasizing adult superstar, got tangled up in the most recent Charlie Sheen trainwreck, came out the other side only to turn her back on porn and retire, many of us thought we’d never hear her candy-coated, slightly shrill voice again. And then she turned into a pop star.

With her debut music video, ‘Hollywood Douchebag’, Bree Olson is angling for your attention once again, only this time she’s not using her tits and pussy to get it. (Well, she is, really, but she’s uncharacteristically covered them up.) Instead of crooning about the plains of her home state Indiana or guesting on some rapper’s latest tirade, Bree put herself in the spotlight – surprise, surprise – with a self-written ode to the alpha males populating the entertainment hotbed of the Golden State. With plenty of inspirational resources at her disposal, the wannabe Agnetha or Anni-Frid throws hilarious insults at the kinds of guys she no doubt runs into with great regularity in LA.

Although she clearly has her sights set on a breakout musical parody hit akin to Lonely Island’s ‘I’m On a Boat’ and ‘I Just Had Sex’, Olson hasn’t completely discarded her sexually explicit past and in fact cast adult performer Alexis Ford as a principal dancer and even hired noted porn helmet Andre Madness (Bree & Alexis, College Tails, Grindhouse XXX) to direct the video, which sees Bree go up against a typical type-A cud, a real Pseudo-Situation, a top-tier Hollywood Douchebag.

And don’t worry, folks. Unlike almost every other screen appearance Olson has made, this one is, to use the parlance of our times, SFW, even if it does see her show off her cleavage and cavort around with various scantily clad men and women. Oh, Bree! It’s so nice to have you back!

PMarizzle No Anal! Fo’ Shizzle?

Phoenix Marie analWord over at Bang Bros is that Phoenix Marie has just seen her very last anal scene hit the WiFi waves, putting an end to a career that has brought boners and smiles to thousands upon thousands of guys, and placed Ms. Marie herself among the ranks of porn’s most astounding performers. So, is she really giving up her gaping anus in favor of vag-only sex, or is that the end of Phoenix Marie as we know it?

Thankfully, it isn’t the latter; Marie isn’t giving up porn for good, just adjusting her career to suit the demands of her lifestyle. Being plugged in the butt by some of the biggest dicks in porn certainly has its drawbacks (or so I’d imagine) and Marie surely doesn’t want to run the risk of a permanently prolapsed rectum or repeated anal tearing, which is completely understandable and could be one of the reasons behind the artificially buxom Arizonan’s decision to focus not on gapes, ATMs, and DPs but on directing, where she hopes to bring all her “sick and twisted pleasures” to the screen.

Considering Marie once told Luke Ford that her biggest fantasy was “With four guys that want to hurt me in a good way, having them shove and do DP. That would be fun,” it’s unlikely she’s hanging up her anal speculum for good, which is good news for us all.