Ice Cream Jokesters Can’t Take a Joke

Ben & Cherry's
Caballero Home Video

Ice cream company, Ben & Jerry’s, has sued adult film companies Rodax Distributors and Caballero Video, alleging that the release of hardcore pornographic films bearing titles similar to those given to their own internationally famous ice-cream products will likely cause “confusion, mistake or deception” and leave hungry confectionery fans bewildered. Uh, I didn’t get any sweaty testicles in my tub of Schweddy Balls, fellas! What gives?

In an apparent lack of self-awareness and a notable loss of any sense of humor, Ben & Jerry’s found the forthcoming Ben & Cherry’s porn DVDs so offensive that they immediately issued a threatening lawsuit that has unfortunately resulted in the targeted titles, which include Boston Cream Thigh, New York Fat & Chunky, and Peanut Butter D-Cup, from retail shelves around the country. Rodax and Caballero filed a federal consent order in Manhattan Tuesday that specifies that they will now destroy all materials related to the titles.

So, let me get this straight: Ben & Jerry’s can make mad bank with immature double entendre names for ice cream products – names like Schweddy Balls, the Hindu-mocking Karamel Sutra, and Chubby Hubby (briefly also known as Hubby Hubby) – but they can’t take a joke, let alone an obvious parody (a staple of the adult industry) when it “threatens” their registered copyrights? What do they expect, some choc fudge craving holy terror to just blindly wander into an adult establishment, pick up a DVD case, pry open the seal and start chowing down? What’s next, Bill Cosby suing the makers of Not The Cosby Show XXX because it really isn’t the Cosby Show?

Sex, Toys & Rock ‘n’ Roll

Phil VaroneUnless you’re Tommy Lee of Motley Crue (and Pamela Anderson sex tape) fame, being a drummer in a hard rock band doesn’t exactly equate to any kind of career in the sex industry, but Phil Varone of Skid Row is out to change all that. California Exotic Novelties, one of the leading producers of sexual aids in the USA, has signed the tattooed tub-thumper to a partnership that see Varone extend his already well established line of sexual products into the toy and novelty arena. (The drummer has already unleashed Phil Varone’s Secret Sex Stash, a feature-length sex tape compilation documenting his wild backstage antics both in and out of groupies’ pussies.) Dubbed Phil Varone’s Sex, Toys & Rock ‘n’ Roll, the product line launched back in May and is already making a splash.

Phil Varone's Sex ToysThe flagship product of Varone’s novelty line comes, not surprisingly, from a cast of the man’s member. Claiming to be the world’s first dong with a Prince Albert piercing, Dr. Philgood comes in vibrating and non-vibrating versions and presents its users with six inches of insertable shaft with a circumference of six-and-a-half inches and a nickel-free stainless steel semi-circular piercing. Varone’s latest endeavor isn’t purely a self-congratulatory exercise, though, and his other products prove that. The Cock-toban Penis Pump allegedly aids penile growth. The All Access Vibrating Pass comes in red and black and is a bullet-shaped vibrator with handy wrist strap. Erections can be enhanced and extended with the Ghost Rocker, while the Pierced Rocker cock ring adds a testicular support for additional stability. The line includes nipple clamps and cock rings galore, but peaks with Varone’s Sex Stix, a pair of multi-speed vibrating drum sticks “for solo or ensemble performance” that come complete with Phil’s signature scrawled on the shaft.

To take a peek behind the molding and casting process that produced readymade replicas of Varone’s seasoned boner, check out this “long form” (lol) video.

THE LONG FORM VIDEO- MOLDING PHIL VARONE’S DONG from visionmind on Vimeo.

An Overload of Kelly Shibari

Kelly ShibariEnter the name “Kelly Shibari” into Google and the first result you’ll get isn’t a Wikipedia entry, podcast interview, or guide to the art of Japanese rope bondage, it’s a sponsored advertisement for Fleshlight. To be more specific, it’s a Fleshlight ad promoting the company’s latest Fleshlight Girl, whose vulva has been cast in a mold for your masturbatory pleasure. To be even more specific, that new Fleshlight Girl is none other than the reigning queen of BBW porn, Kelly Shibari.

For those who’ve been living under a rock these past few years (at least where porno’s concerned), Kelly Shibari is the Japanese-born, LA and Vegas-based adult superstar whose ample figure and indomitable attitude has helped bring about a renewed interest in all things Big, Beautiful, and Womanly. As if she didn’t have her fingers in enough porn-related pies – she’s also a producer/director, runs three websites (Padded Kink, Kelly Shibari XXX, and The PRSM Group, the latter a social media marketing consultancy firm), a sometime host of Playboy Radio’s ‘Night Calls’ show, has won a Feminist Porn Award, played the title role in Roseanne: The Parody XXX, and was even featured in a video for German metal band Rammstein’s song ‘Mein Land’ – Kelly now takes a starring role of a very different kind as one of Fleshlight’s flagship models. With her privates now immortalized in Fleshlight form for her growing legion of ardent admirers to fuck, you’d think Kelly’d take a bit time off, but instead she’s set to unleash upon porn fans her debut feature-length DVD release, Kelly Shibari is Overloaded. Oh yeah, and she directed the damn thing, too!

Overloaded, which hits retail stores September 26 but has already managed to top the Videos4Sale best-seller list for four consecutive weeks, shows Kelly celebrating Japan’s recent victory in the FIFA Women’s World Cup by performing for the very first time a blowbang and bukkake scene in which her co-stars are none other than the fans she’s been tantalizing and entertaining all along. Twenty lucky fans managed to ace the health tests Kelly rightfully required and participated in the event, which now takes top billing on her forthcoming DVD. Also on the menu are a number of other firsts for Kelly: her first group sex scene, first anal creampie, and first double-vaginal with creampie.

Best of all, folks, Kelly (along with Fleshlight, Exile Distribution, and Monarchy Distribution) is running a “Pink Ticket” contest that will result in one extraordinarily lucky fan being the recipient of a personalized erotic video shot by Kelly of Kelly exclusively for their own personal use with (you guessed it) a signed, personalized Kelly Shibari Fleshlight. And just so other fans don’t feel left out, anyone who buys Kelly Shibari is Overloaded on DVD will find a discount code inside that’ll allow them to wield their very own signed, personalized Fleshlight so they too can fuck Kelly ’til their heart’s content… or ’til it sputters out from all the excitement.

Videobox Welcomes You to Club Tranny

Club Tranny at VideoboxA couple of years ago, highly lauded online adult video compendium Videobox surprised its thousands of subscribers by letting them know that the most requested category was transsexual. Yep, chicks with dicks eclipsed double-anal, fisting, oral creampie, and anal-prolapse to take home the most coveted potential Videobox category no-prize of 2009. Three years later, though, and there’s still no dedicated transsexual channel to be found. Or at least there wasn’t until now!

Recently announced on Videobox’s always entertaining and enlightening blog, Club Tranny is the site’s all new, 100% transsexual premium channel and it’s already boasting more than 300 scenes. Although many of the comments on said announcement focused not on trannies but on the copious requests for a Classics channel, VB has clearly made a good move here. Whenever a tranny DVD was added to the main collection (and they still will be) there would be a number of knee-jerk reactions in the comments section calling for the VB crew to get rid of this “sick shit” that “no man on earth would want to jerk to”. While those sentiments might not have been very tastefully put, I can see where they’re coming from. If you’re an avid fan of pussy and pussy-focused porn, you’re not likely to enjoy transsexual hardcore. So why not add a separate section entirely focused on trannies to keep the large (but evidently silent) contingent of tranny admirers happy and cut down, if not completely abandon, adding TS movies to the main VB archive?

We’ll have to wait and see exactly how popular Club Tranny turns out to be, but even at this early stage, isn’t Club Tranny simply more evidence of Videobox’s unparalleled commitment to excellent service and customer satisfaction? I think so!

The Perfect Pornstars

Jessica Alba Perfect PornstarEveryone’s favorite purveyor of celebrity pseudo-porn, Mr. Skin, recently assisted YTD (YouTubeDownloaderSite) in their survey of past AVN Male and Female Performer of the Year winners in an effort to find out who in the celebrity realm comes closest to fans’ idea of the perfect pornstar, both male and female. Before we get to the results, though, let’s take a look at who was analyzed by the researchers, who looked at eye color, hair color, height, weight, age, zodiac signs, US state of origin, and, for the women, measurements and whether or not her bust was artificially enhanced.

AVN Female Performers of the Year (1993 – 2012):

Ashlyn Gere, Debi Diamond, Asia Carrera, Kaitlyn Ashley, Missy, Stephanie Swift, Chloe, Inari Vachs, Jewel De’Nyle, Nikita Denise, Aurora Snow, Ashley Blue, Lauren Phoenix, Audrey Hollander, Hillary Scott, Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze, Tori Black, and Bobbi Starr.

AVN Male Performer of the Year (1993 – 2012):

Jonathan Morgan, Jon Dough, Rocco Siffredi, TT Boy, Tom Byron, Lexington Steele, Michael Stefano, Tommy Gunn, James Deen, Evan Stone, and Manuel Ferrara. (Ferrara, Stone, Steele, Byron, and Siffredi all won multiple times.)

So, combine the above listed factors of these performers and who do you think you’d come up with? With the immense database of celebrity identities at Mr. Skin, YTD found that the ultimate female and male pornstars would be none other than the most facially symmetrical MILF in Hollywood, Jessica Alba and the most agreeably sexy Batman in history, Christian Bale. No surprises there, huh?

Aside from being the object of every male movie-goer’s lust, Alba, a 31-year-old Taurus from Califnornia, brought home the proverbial bacon thanks to her 5’6″, 118 lb, 34C-25-24 frame, and her brown hair and eyes. Bale, a Welshman, on the other hand, showed that male pornstars need not be American to win the industry’s highest accolade; his 6′, 180 lb body, green/hazel eyes, and brown hair placed the Dark Knight, a 38-year-old Gemini, among the best and brightest cocksmen of porn.

Wanna see how it all worked out? Here’s the rundown, courtesy of a neat-o burrito infographic by the YTD folks.

Perfect Pornstar